To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

This is so weird (on her part). Sit outside and stare through the window

I imagine she just wanted to have sex with her boyfriend without her 24-year-old daughter listening from the other room. That's a bit of a passion killer.

Can you find a cheap holiday Inn or Premier Inn for the night. They can be cheap if you can get a good deal. I don't think I couod tell my child to be out 7 hrs even if they are a young adult. Worst comes to the worst, can you hang out in the student library, get a load of work done and student union pub.

No you are not. I don’t like it as a mother and how often is this going to happen? . Why cant they go to his place? Your mum is entitled to a life but nope , don’t like this at all.

Being soft??
I feel nothing but empathy for OP.
It appears OP's family situation is far from straightforward. Not everybody tackles life in the same way or has the confidence to do so.
To be in your early 20's and spend Xmas alone whilst your mum is with a boyfriend you've never met is callous.
OP I wish you all the best in your studies and for a future with people who care and want the best for you.

OP, I really feel for you. It sounds as though you feel very responsible for keeping the peace and managing your mum’s emotions. Perhaps you don’t feel as though your emotions are as valid or safe to express and be heard. My advice, as a stranger on the net who doesn’t know you or the full ins and outs, find people who value you and want to hear about how you think and feel. Spend Christmas with those people. And when your mum is old and alone at Christmas and you have your own family to celebrate with…well, you’d be a bigger person than me to give her a seat at the table. You don’t let your kid spend Christmas Day alone while you spend it elsewhere. You don’t. It’s not a thing.

OP I just wanted to say that the way your mother is treating you is really not “normal” behaviour & you deserve better. I hope you can put up with the situation for the next few months until you graduate.

Most parents (unless very hard up, which doesn’t seem to be the case here) support their children financially as much as they can when students, they don’t take money from them. It sounds like you are getting the minimum student loan, which implies a relatively high income for your mother. Unless she refused to declare her income?

Regarding Christmas- if there are international students at your uni, there might be a meal & entertainment arranged for Christmas Day for those who can’t travel home. Might be worth researching to see if you could join in/help out?

2-9pm is hardly just a date night!
I agree, she should give you the cash.
You haven't met this guy in 5 years? Now that is weird.

It’s a difficult one as we don’t know the ins and out of your relationship. However from an outsiders point of view I think your mum is being unreasonable and potentially hiding something or just doesn’t care very much. The not meeting you in 5 years as a grown adult, but willing to meet his ten year old? Weird! Also spending the last few Christmases with him knowing you don’t have a great relationship with your dad. So are you left alone? And then the getting mean with you to the point she’s made you feel humiliated for being up a very reasonable emotion you’re feeling. Sounds like a narcissist to me! I have a very strange relationship with my own mother. There’s been a lot of hurt on her side towards me and I still find it hard to bring stuff up as it gets projected back on me, so I now just put up. Please don’t put up! You pay rent and deserve to stay in the house. Ignore other people’s opinions. You should have been given more notice and not expected to hide away from her partner. She’s a very strange woman, without adding any offence. I waited two years to introduce my children to my partner, so I get the waiting. But this whole situation just seems off to me. Hope everything works out for you anyhow x

Glad to hear you had a nice time at your nans. All the best in the future! I hope you get the grad job you want xx

It's bloody selfish!!

Street art? You know not everywhere HAS street art worth seeing and in any case, in some places now from around 4pm onwards its dark..

You seriously think she should be spending five hours in the dark looking for 'Steve Luvs Sasha' and illegible tags and cock & balls drawings scraped into the local bus shelter?

I know I am a good hour and a half from the nearest Banksy and as much as I do love Banksy, I am still not up for spending 4 hours gazing at it in the pissing rain, in the dark!

OP - tell your Nan whats going on, your Mum is behaving very rudely and theres no reason on this earth you should keep any secrets for her.

Bet she's seeing a married man and thats why she can't go to his place.

Well aren't you just amazing - have a Blue Peter badge!!!

I’ve got a really odd feeling about this something doesn’t add up;
she’s been seeing him 5 years but you’ve not been introduced;
he’s been to your house but only when your not there;
she spends Christmas with him happily leaving you home alone; her own child & claims she’s met his 10 year old child…ok what does your mum do for a living?
Why is she so defensive when you broach them subject of actually meeting him?
Why isn’t anyone allowed to know about this clandestine relationship?…..

Ok I might be hitting way outside the box here but is it at all possible you mum might be working as a sex worker just with this one guy; like he pays her to be exclusively available when he wants to see her? is she leading a double life & is trying to keep it under wraps; whilst your living at home it’s easy to cover her tracks because your rent covers the extra money coming in; I might be really wrong but she’s definitely hiding something & it’s something big; very big; and I think your being used as a cover for her.

sorry but yes you are being unreasonable. Why are you still living at home with mum at your age?

She’s been seeing him for 5 years and you’ve not met him yet? I suspect she’s an OW and her “boyfriend” is actually married to someone else.

I’m sorry OP. This is awful. Your mum is not right at all. This seems like child abandonment to me. It truly is shit, my mum is quite similar.

Seems strange her dissapearing at Christmas though, if he's married.

tHAT'S so weird! I've a daughter of 19 and I'd rather introduce a boyfriend than put her in the situation where she had to drive around for 7 hours. And my dd doesn't pay any rent!

I'd grit your teeth and then move out as soon as you've finished your studies. It's all very strange but you don't have to put up with this much longer.

Is she protecting you from him? Or is she embarrassed of him?

It's baffling!

Tell your mum no. She is your mum, not your bloody keeper and it's just as much your place as hers if you are paying rent - what does she expect you to do all day? Wander around aimlessly for 7 hours. How completely unreasonable of your mum. I would strongly recommend moving out ASAP - there is no way anyone is telling me when I can and can't come home and to stay out for 7 hours. Tell her to shove it lol - sorry it annoyed me...

@Cheeseandlobster Thanks for the newsflash.

My apologies, OP: my quotes didn't work- I was rolling my eyes at the PP who posted that.

OH MY GOD, just read all of your posts and most of the thread.
You poor little chicken. Sorry if that's patronising. My DD is only a couple of years younger than you are. I went out with a really funny decent guy for a few years and I never put him before my daughter, didn't invite him over on xmas day to sit with us. Your mum sounds like a really cold fish with terrible priorities. I had therapy a few years back to deal with my own mum's complete inability to understand that i have feelings, and it helped so much. I know therapy is expensive but after you get the full time job, if you can squeeze it in to the budget, it is very validating.

it's also really awful that she has you keeping this secret! Like double gaslight. She pretends it's all normal, but yet, you can't tell your Grandma

This post has made me feel very sad OP. You don’t deserve this. Please spent Christmas with your granny or as a pp suggested, volunteering at a Christmas lunch for the homeless/elderly. No one should be on their own for Christmas Day unless they want to be.

best of luck, it sounds like you’re working hard to secure your future and you sound like you’re destined for good things in life.

This is probably something you don’t want to think about with it being your Mum ..and o don’t mean to offend you …but could she and her boyfriend be part of a swingers scene and they needed the house empty to bring another couple round? Could explain why she is reluctant for you to meet him. Don’t mean to be offensive but such a specific time frame to be out of the house sounds really odd - like there’s some sort of meeting been arranged..