Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being grabby?

126 replies

Julies87 · 20/11/2022 10:50

Genuine question as I don't know how to feel about this. It's another in law one I'm afraid.

We have 3 kids and DH sister has 4, all similar age ranges and all under 10. Ours are overall younger than SILs as they're a little older than us although the youngest child in both families are the same age.

When our first came along GPs said they'd set all the GCs a budget for Christmas and birthdays of £30, which is lovely obviously and that's what they stick to with SILs kids. However over the years I've noticed that the presents our kids get are always half that, they only ever spend £15 max per child.

I didn't really notice at first but now I've become aware it really annoys me. DH is upset by it but seems willing to just ignore it. His choice but if they were my parents I'd say something but we have a very different relationship I suppose. DH loves his parents and they're nice people, they don't really 'talk' though IFSWIM. How do I get past this and learn to ignore it 🤷

OP posts:
BamBamBilla · 20/11/2022 10:52

They've set a limit not a target. If your kids like their gifts, what is the problem? Are you measuring love with money spent?

takealettermsjones · 20/11/2022 10:54

How do you even know exactly what they've spent, or that they've not decided to change the amount for all the kids now that there are more of them?

Autumnisclose · 20/11/2022 10:54

I'd leave it. The kids won't notice the difference for some years yet. Maybe they're hard up, 7 grandchildren is alot to pay for.

Tigofigo · 20/11/2022 10:55

Oh my PIL did this!! It was a bit hurtful so no not grabby IMO, it's hard to see GC treated differently. They clearly favoured DSIL's DC but I think as our DC were young(er) they didn't think they need as good presents etc too. Also we didn't spend as much on them perhaps?

A big part of it also transpired to be us not telling them ideas of what to buy. Once we gave more ideas the spending seemed to even out a bit but the favoritism is still there.

In the end I made my peace with it. No way would I bring it up, it would create bad feeling for years.

Mischance · 20/11/2022 10:57

A gift is a gift and to be thankful for. At different stages in their lives children are happy with different things - e.g. at one, you could wrap up a saucepan and wooden spoon and they would be happy! As long as your children have been remembered and they are happy with their gift, then all is well. Counting how much people have spent is a bit gross really - and grabby!

I set a limit for presents for my GC, but they do not get that exact amount - it just depends on what they are interested in at that stage in their lives. The limit gives the parents an idea when they suggest things that they might like for me.

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 11:00

Yes you are being grabby, get a grip. You and your husband. As the first poster said it’s a bloody limit not a target

mamabear715 · 20/11/2022 11:00

I don't think it's grabby at all, you are hurt for your children, what mother wouldn't be? I don't know what the answer is, but I do empathise, it should be exactly the same for all the GC.

Whinge · 20/11/2022 11:00

When our first came along GPs said they'd set all the GCs a budget for Christmas and birthdays of £30

Did they mean £30 total? So £15 for birthdays and £15 for Christmas?

IhateMattHancock · 20/11/2022 11:01

Reminds me of the expression "knowing the cost of everything but the value of nothing".

Santagiveyoursackawash · 20/11/2022 11:01

Ime it is a symbol your dc are second rate...

Original poster
Julies87 · 20/11/2022 11:02

To answer some questions, we always know what everyone gets as they're the type of family who have a get together for every birthday and a big Christmas party where everyone exchanges gifts so you usually see what everyone gets (this is wierd to me but I go along to them).

Money is no issue, ILs have own business and are loaded.

I know how much stuff tends to cost these days as I have 3 kids and know every bloody toy in existence now. As I said I didn't realise for a long time.

They don't always get suitable toys, my DS who was 8 last year got a present he had no interest in and was for ages 12+ but it cost exactly £15.

OP posts:
808Kate1 · 20/11/2022 11:03

Depends if you notice other instances of favouritism towards the other kids, in which case no, you're not being grabby.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/11/2022 11:04

I think it could be a combination of them being younger (compounded by the fact the GPS have already bought presents for that age group and it’s not so interesting), combined with not knowing what to get. Could it also be that they see you and your DH as better off?

Anyway, tell them what you’d like them to get within the official budget.

honeylulu · 20/11/2022 11:05

I would have noticed too but I wonder if the actual reason is "limit not a target" as pp have said and relates to your children's ages.

My own children are 10 years apart in age and our son (eldest) gets a lot more spent on him just because he tends to ask for less but more expensive items; new phone, laptop, branded trainers etc. Whilst daughter asks for art supplies and LOL dolls. She thinks she has done better because she has a bigger pile of presents than her brother (so is happy) but his have cost more. We could insist on spending equal amounts but £500 worth of art and craft stuff and barbies would be insane.

It will be interesting to see if the value of the gifts evens out as your kids get older and into more gadgets and branded stuff.

Original poster
Julies87 · 20/11/2022 11:09

808Kate1 · 20/11/2022 11:03

Depends if you notice other instances of favouritism towards the other kids, in which case no, you're not being grabby.

There are little things like they buy school clothes every year for SILs kids, not sure why but they're always expensive and nice but they've not done that for ours. We see them about the same amount, they're involved in the kids lives. They love our kids I don't doubt that and they do get them lots of little things through the year. I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable 🤷

SIL is also considerably better off than we are although we're doing ok.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 11:09

Are they close to your DC? It doesn’t sound as though they are, if they’re buying age inappropriate gifts with no idea what they actually like to play with or are interested in. If they’re struggling to know what to buy and they aren’t getting any pointers from you, perhaps they’re loathe to waste money up to the present limit. Whereas their other GC they have much more knowledge about. How often do you and the DC spend time with their GPs?

Original poster
Julies87 · 20/11/2022 11:10

And it's the fact it's always £15, they used to do a lot of the Argos 2 for £30 gifts IFSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Julies87 · 20/11/2022 11:11

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 11:09

Are they close to your DC? It doesn’t sound as though they are, if they’re buying age inappropriate gifts with no idea what they actually like to play with or are interested in. If they’re struggling to know what to buy and they aren’t getting any pointers from you, perhaps they’re loathe to waste money up to the present limit. Whereas their other GC they have much more knowledge about. How often do you and the DC spend time with their GPs?

They see the kids every week, we live 5 minutes away so they should know what they like!

OP posts:
Maves · 20/11/2022 11:12

But the expensive gifts could have been in the sale? Yes it is grabby! They are probs just buying what they think kids would like why spend god knows how long searching for something approx £30 just for the sake of spending £30. No need for dh to be upset about it a lot of kids in life don't have the luxury of gp buying gifts be thankful.

Original poster
Julies87 · 20/11/2022 11:13

Maves · 20/11/2022 11:12

But the expensive gifts could have been in the sale? Yes it is grabby! They are probs just buying what they think kids would like why spend god knows how long searching for something approx £30 just for the sake of spending £30. No need for dh to be upset about it a lot of kids in life don't have the luxury of gp buying gifts be thankful.

You're probably right, ok I'm being grabby. I accept it 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 11:14

Why are you still saying you don’t know if you’re unreasonable? How many people need to tell you you are before you accept it?

SandyY2K · 20/11/2022 11:17

I'd leave it tbh. Especially as it's the inlaws. I also wouldn't challenge my own parents on the amount spent, unless it was a cash gift and my kids got less so it was very clear to see.

I remember a situation with my Dsis. Her MIL gave gifts to the grandchildren, but they were teenagers and the cousins talked about the gifts. My niece was upset that Grandma gave her cousin a gift + money and she only got the gift and she told Dsis...it wasn't fair.

In your case, the kids are so young and it's not cash gifts.

They are not obligated to give a gift.

If they got a you that was unsuitable, I'd ask if they had the receipt to exchange it....I'd only do that with my own parents, as I know DH wouldn't want to ask his family to exchange it. He's just not like that.
In which case, I'd probably sell the toy in ebay or sphock and buy a suitable one for my child.

zestysparkles · 20/11/2022 11:19

Does SIL maybe buy the GPs gifts and you don't? Otherwise I do think it's a bit off.

Original poster
Julies87 · 20/11/2022 11:20

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 11:14

Why are you still saying you don’t know if you’re unreasonable? How many people need to tell you you are before you accept it?

Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Take your rude behaviour elsewhere, if you've nothing helpful to say 🙊

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/11/2022 11:20

@BamBamBilla

They've set a limit not a target.

I love this saying. My daughter always says this about the speed limit, even people are driving so fast.