Am I being grabby?

[Julies87]

Genuine question as I don't know how to feel about this. It's another in law one I'm afraid.

We have 3 kids and DH sister has 4, all similar age ranges and all under 10. Ours are overall younger than SILs as they're a little older than us although the youngest child in both families are the same age.

When our first came along GPs said they'd set all the GCs a budget for Christmas and birthdays of £30, which is lovely obviously and that's what they stick to with SILs kids. However over the years I've noticed that the presents our kids get are always half that, they only ever spend £15 max per child.

I didn't really notice at first but now I've become aware it really annoys me. DH is upset by it but seems willing to just ignore it. His choice but if they were my parents I'd say something but we have a very different relationship I suppose. DH loves his parents and they're nice people, they don't really 'talk' though IFSWIM. How do I get past this and learn to ignore it 🤷

My mil does this.

Last year she got DN a iPad, my DS got a jumper with the sales tag still left on. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just ignore it now, and tampered down how much I spend on her.

I would not be upset over money spent but I would if the gp were more obviously interested in the other gc.if they get more attention,more leniency then I can understand the hurt but not over money.

What? 😂 it’s not rude simply as you don’t like it. There are multiple people telling uou you’re being unreasonable , the majority of votes saying rhe same, and you’re still saying you don’t know. What’s the point in asking?

I don’t know that I would call it grabby, you are just aware of the imbalance and that bugs you. I had the same with MIL, one year was particularly bad when she got my kids cousin a digital camera and portable speakers for Christmas whilst she gave my DS a t-shirt she had bought at a market stall in Thailand and my DD a pair of Primark shoes 2 sizes too small, when I asked if she had the receipt so I could exchange them for the correct size she said it wasn’t possible as she had got them at the charity shop.

Yes you are.

They lied to you and said they would spend £30 per child. They are not decent people and are playing favourites with their other GC. I’d keep them away from my children if I was in your shoes.

You're being very grabby. It's incredibly crass to try to work out how much presents cost and then compare them.

Haha! Nice one!

If they were my parents I would say something

Would you really? I honestly cannot imagine ever questioning anybody over the cost of a gift they have purchased. You and your husband sound like two spoilt brats if as adults you are sat there comparing the cost of different gifts and feeling aggrieved that you think your families might have cost less.

This is a bit of a first world problem me thinks. Do your PIL taking interest in the children? Be grateful, be so so grateful that’s wonderful. That’s where the main benefit is. Perhaps do you think you’re not as obnoxious and picky as the other party, and that you would be fine. Show that you are the bigger person.

I know how you feel.

We used to buy Xmas presents for all the nieces and nephews. My Dd loves Christmas and loves the whole choosing and wrapping. So every year we would go shopping and spend ages so she could make her choice. I had a budget of £15 per child. We would wrap the presents and send them by post.

My BIL has three children, I have one. So every year his children got to unwrap Christmas present from us. My BIL is the rich on in the family. So what did my DD get? An Amazon voucher for £10, and it wasn’t even sent through the post. Just an email to my husband.

So I know it isn’t just about the money, it’s the fucking lack of effort that hurts. Left to my own devices I would have just stopped sending them anything, but to my DD that was part of the fun of Xmas, and I couldn’t ruin her joy by letting on.

Shes older now and remembers this, even though I never mentioned it to her.

I’m still trying to work out if the issue is they’re giving all 7 £15 presents or your 3 £15 presents and the SIL £30 each?

As a grandparent, it can be difficult to keep up with the interests of grandchildren. I know you can ask the parents, but I’ve read plenty of times on here, that parents wish that grandparents would just use their initiative. It’s precisely the not being sure that means you ask.

I tried to ensure that gifts were of similar value as far as possible and often took them shopping for birthdays and let them choose. Now they prefer cash.

OP, I wonder if your reaction is motivated by the perception of fairness rather than being 'grabby'?

Perceived unfairness can trigger visceral disgust in some people. The Ultimatum Game experiment is an example of this.

The ultimatum game is important from a sociological perspective, because it illustrates the human unwillingness to accept injustice. The tendency to refuse small offers may also be seen as relevant to the concept of honour.

The extent to which people are willing to tolerate different distributions of the reward from "cooperative" ventures results in inequality that is, measurably, exponential across the strata of management within large corporations. See also: Inequity aversion within companies.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultimatum_game

If they are good grandparents otherwise I think it's very unlikely that they are consciously or deliberately spending half as much on your kids

While I understand how you feel, they buy your children little things throughout the year so I wouldn't dwell on it.

I know they probably buy the other grandchildren stuff at other times too, but they don't sound unkind.

I think it's crass and embarrassing to work out the cost of presents bought and measure the sum of money against that spent on others.

Grabby? Yes.

The first answer, is the right one.

If you boil it down to pennies, you could just do what my inlaws and family do, which is just exchange £20 notes every christmas.

It was a good year last year, as I gave away a battered old torn £20, and got a pristine one back in return.

Our PIL did this here too. SIL DC always had more spent. I know because my nephew slipped what GP had bought them and I knew the cost because I'd bought the same for DS. It was twice what out DC got. As teens my nephews got £50 in a card each last year at Xmas. Our DC just got the card. It was only when DH pointed out the discrepancy that FIL pulled out a wadge of notes and gave them £30. So still not equal.
SIL has been massively favoured over the years getting her wedding paid for and a £10k house deposit whilst DH got nothing, so shouldn't be surprised it continues down the line.
It's not the value, it's the principle.

£30 x 7 isn't small change for anyone.

Like others have said, maybe it's a limit, not a target.

Or perhaps they set the £30 amount, not really thinking through how much that would be in reality?

I'd let it go personally.

I think this may have to more to do with sexism and unconscious bias.

Your husband's parents may assume that your SIL can't provide as well for her children as your DH.

I don't think it is intentional (meaning that they dislike your children less) by more an older generational way of thinking.

Just a different take on this...

Just make suggestions ahead of Christmas for things that cost £30.

Or do what we do, I tell ds what I’m spending on dgs and ds orders a gift and I transfer the money.

I know where you’re coming from though my mil used to say she spent the same on all of us but couldn’t explain how dh’s younger dsis always got something like a sheepskin coat or whatever expensive item at such a knock down price! And it’s worse when it’s your dc.

And you don't think that's a rude thing to say?

I don't think you need to say anything to your PILs OP.

I think it's probably a case of your PILs buying presents that they think each child will like. Also, I often find that presents for older children are generally more expensive. Your nieces and nephews are slightly older so the things they like may generally cost more.

I would personally leave it it I was you. If you ever think of anything that is up to the cost of £30 that you think one of your children would like for a present, you could suggest that. Otherwise, I wouldn't raise this observation with your PILs.

So at present opening time your beady eyes are checking out each and every child’s present and then later looking it up to see what it cost?

Horrific.