Am I being grabby?

[Julies87]

Genuine question as I don't know how to feel about this. It's another in law one I'm afraid.

We have 3 kids and DH sister has 4, all similar age ranges and all under 10. Ours are overall younger than SILs as they're a little older than us although the youngest child in both families are the same age.

When our first came along GPs said they'd set all the GCs a budget for Christmas and birthdays of £30, which is lovely obviously and that's what they stick to with SILs kids. However over the years I've noticed that the presents our kids get are always half that, they only ever spend £15 max per child.

I didn't really notice at first but now I've become aware it really annoys me. DH is upset by it but seems willing to just ignore it. His choice but if they were my parents I'd say something but we have a very different relationship I suppose. DH loves his parents and they're nice people, they don't really 'talk' though IFSWIM. How do I get past this and learn to ignore it 🤷

I don’t find this grabby at all. As a child, they will eventually notice the difference in treatment between them and their cousins if they haven’t already. As you said, they don’t even seem to get the gifts right in terms of appropriateness. But sadly this is something you probably can’t broach as it will cause an issue. It’s probably due to them feeling closer to their son than daughter sadly. I feel for you OP and don’t think you’re unreasonable at all x

And yet you're on another thread complaining about entitled people. 😂

Actually this is very interesting. Yes I do have a very strong sense of fairness and justice which is shown by my career choice. Fairness has always been a strong motivator for me.

It's not the amount of money that upsets me, it's the inequality and the feeling my kids are lesser somehow but I think I'm being silly. They are great GPs overall who love my kids so I need to let it go.

For some who seemed to think we're there toting up the cost of everything after an event. It's not like that, you just notice eventually and when you see it you can't unsee it.

I don't think it's grabby either, it's sad when they show obviou favouritism
Can you start suggesting things they would like to receive

I don't think it's grabby. You just want it to be fair.

I wouldn't say anything but I also would volunteer my services for anything. My exs DM viewed me as second best to her other sons partners despite me being the only one to do anything to help or even spend time with her. So I stopped. And no one stepped up. Ah well.

This.
I hate the thought of people totting up the price (not value, they're two different things) of gifts. If its something your kids like, what's the problem?

I guess it’s not the money per se, but the “fairness” and the implication that your DC are second best? This would annoy me too, but it’s hard to bring up without looking grabby.

The problem is the kids will notice as they get older…

Alway nice to meet a stalker.

The point your trying to make is……?

Oh get over yourself. I've been on two threads this morning and I happened to notice the names on the most attention-seeking posts.
It kind of figures you don't see the irony of your entitlement...

I'm just amazed that with three kids you have the time to memorise the price of every toy on the market.

I think it's totally bizarre that they'd tell you how much they're spending in the first place.

You are not being grabby but I always find it bizarre that families work on £ amounts for presents and compare.

I think your DH should suggest presents to his parents, they might genuinely not know what they would like - my parents often asked me what my son would like or for ideas - and sometimes I would buy it and give it to them and they would give me the cash.

I seem to have upset you. I hope you can relax and enjoy the rest of your day 😀

If you feel up to it you can always answer my question about what point you were trying to make.

They buy your children things throughout the year, so no I wouldn’t be upset by this, they aren’t ignoring them,

I don’t get this. I am so grateful for every gift my son gets. And I have never compared to what his cousins get at all. It doesn’t even register.

Just let it go OP. Even if your worst fears are confirmed and they buy them more expensive gifts, there’s nothing you can do about it so don’t let it eat you up. As long as they have a good relationship and are kind and supportive that’s all that matters.

It’s just stuff at the end of the day.

Name change fail @MatteHancock?

I have three children. I love them equally. No favourites. Truly

they have very different personalities. With myself and with my DH (their father) they’re each different. Growing up our DS wanted just about the entire toys r us catalogue. Today, I cannot get him anything. You ask her he wants for birthday, Christmas etc - he says nothing. He has everything he needs. He’ll spend loads of money on his sisters but only one ever asks for things. For me, I transfer money into his account because he won’t accept gifts. He wants to give

DD1 will ask for anything and everything. No consequence of cost. We have to give her a budget

DD2 will usually say she doesn’t want anything or will say what ever we’d like to give her so we push and make offers if various things.

could it be some similar dynamic with your DH and SIL? Does she ask for certain things or her DC ask? Do you advise what gifts your children would want for Xmas by sharing their Xmas list?

perhaps you/your DH could take some control about this by providing the DC Xmas list and ask what they’d like to buy from the list?

if you’re concerned about the school clothes, do the same. Advise what they need do if their going to out use for SIL DC, you can give your list too. Or ask them to come school shoe shopping.

I set a budget for gifts, some may go under budget and some over. Swings and roundabouts. I don’t set other peoples’ budgets and certainly don’t work out what people have spent on gifts. I hope you’re conversations with your DH about this are away from your DC.

I think it would look very bad if you tried to address this, yes.

I think it depends on whether or not the gifts are actually good. It sounds like they don’t get it quite right, but I don’t think you can do anything about it really unless you do a list? It might be just one of those things I’m afraid. I wouldn’t get involved. If dh is truly upset he can talk to his mum about it. I don’t think you’d come across well if you did sadly!

Do your children go without?I doubt it so let it go. You say they buy them bits through the year and Spend time with them.There is no price on that,be grateful .

I wonder if SIL just asks for stuff, tells the DGP what her kids would like that costa around £30 and asks them to help out with uniform as "4 DC is just so expensive"

We experienced this dynamic SIL got more of everything- help, time, gifts, money because she asks and ILs but into the myth of "always being closer to daughters". SIL is a bit of a user tbh and ditched them when her new DH came along.

Nope. Change my name often. Here’s another one for you to stalk babe.

What point where you trying to make?

My PIL do this with DP's sisters. Combined with other things (like willingness to babysit & general assistance, money given towards house deposits, holidays, clothing etc) it seems to me it is because PIL feel they still need to look after their daughters because they're girls. Whereas DP and his brother are boys and should look after themselves. MIL in particular thinks it is my mother's responsibility to do things like babysitting rather than her.

I would think of things they want or need that are the original budget and ask if they would be happy to get that for them.