Am I being grabby?

[Julies87]

Genuine question as I don't know how to feel about this. It's another in law one I'm afraid.

We have 3 kids and DH sister has 4, all similar age ranges and all under 10. Ours are overall younger than SILs as they're a little older than us although the youngest child in both families are the same age.

When our first came along GPs said they'd set all the GCs a budget for Christmas and birthdays of £30, which is lovely obviously and that's what they stick to with SILs kids. However over the years I've noticed that the presents our kids get are always half that, they only ever spend £15 max per child.

I didn't really notice at first but now I've become aware it really annoys me. DH is upset by it but seems willing to just ignore it. His choice but if they were my parents I'd say something but we have a very different relationship I suppose. DH loves his parents and they're nice people, they don't really 'talk' though IFSWIM. How do I get past this and learn to ignore it 🤷

Stalk? Babe?

Okay, gonna step back from the crazy….enjoy your name changing.

Crazy? That’s offensive.

Hope you can move on from this and enjoy the rest of your day.

It's the thought that counts , my DD gets less spent on her Xmas by in laws. We are higher earners and don't really need it we can buy for her ourselves. The other DGC are not so financially comfortable so no it doesn't bother us. I see it as unfair if she did have lots spent on her in-laws aren't minted and have 4 DGC to pay for.

You’ve really lost the spirit of Christmas if on Christmas morning you are scrutinizing the gifts and totting up the costs and comparing how “well off” your sister-in-law is compared to you.

It’s not the money, it’s the lack of equal treatment. The buying school uniform for the other grandchildren demonstrates that.

You can’t say anything though

I had this with a grandparent. As I grew up I did notice. It made me feel second best. But OP, be glad they otherwise seem to like your children. My grandparent couldn't give less of a shit about me even now.

What I find really odd is that the grandparents actually SAID to the family at one point that they were aiming to spend up to £30 per grandchild. This suggests that they were very conscious of the cost of things and of wanting to spend similar amounts on all the children and for everyone to perceive it as fair. And then they are actually doing it differently.

If they had never referred to the £30 figure then I wouldn't give it a second thought. I would assume that the GPs hadn't noticed what they were spending on each child, or that they had happened to spot a £15 gift which they thought a particular child would love, or that they believed younger children would be just as happy with a £15 gift as a £30 gift. In that case I would say you were being grabby to notice and care how much is spent on whom.

But it was the grandparents who brought the subject of money into it in the first place! Very odd.

PiL always favoured their dd's dc over ours & Bil's. We moved away (not because of this). Our dc only got a present if dh went back to collect them.
After 2 years my dc no longer got a present whether dh went to visit or not. That was for Christmas and birthday. They didn't even bother to post a birthday card for any of them. DC noticed.
My dc were 10, 8 & 2 when they got their last Xmas presents from ILs. The 2 older ones got a selection box and £10. Youngest just got a box of jelly babies. SiLs 3 dc had over £50 each spent on them. (Mentioned in passing on phone to dh - X loved the abc we bought/Y hasn't stopped playing with abc).
The following year dh took presents from us to them. Nothing was given in return. Something was muttered about not having finished shopping yet. They knew when he was going. No presents ever appeared. Nothing has ever been bought since.

My DC have unfortunately missed out on decent grandparents. My mother was slightly better but very obviously preferred my sibling's dc.

I truly understand being riled at the perceived unfairness of the cost of presents. But if they otherwise love & pay attention to your DC, then appreciate the relationship. Things may even out over a few years. If things remain blatently unfair your dc may point it out themselves as they get older. It will then be their choice what to do.

I totally get it. And I think it's to do with the sex of the parent in some cases. My SIL's child got way more generous presents than our DC. Also, she is more demanding. It's hard not to find it hurtful.

No I don’t think it’s grabby to want your children to be treated equally.
I have this with my PILs, not only presents but time spent with DC compared to cousins too, so can understand the disappointment.
I’ve mentioned it to DH several times and refuse to rely on them now for childcare etc. maybe one day they’ll realise they’re not being equal, maybe they wont and it’ll be too late anyway

My MIL buys nothing for my children, for birthdays or Christmas, but gives her adult children, their partners and her other 2 teen grandchildren a sack or gifts each. It's infinitely unfair, and we've had no explanation for it.
As others have said, £30 is their limit, bot the amount t they MUST spend, and as long as the gifts are something each child will love, I'd not worry about how much is spent.

My own children are 10 years apart in age

What this PP said was sensible but I expect that they are intended that it will be even by age and so even out over a childhood.

I do think that the GPs are being a bit odd in the OP and have a suspicion this isn't what they are doing.

How do you know what each gift cost? Surely your DH’s parents could have bought them on Black Friday or any other reduced sale before Christmas.

i would never be critical if my parents bought my nephews something for £20 each and my kids only a fiver each - but then we are very minimal-living family who doesn’t care about the monetary value of gifts. This year, I’ve spent less than a tenner on each of my younger nieces and nephews and £15 on the older couple because they’re adult nephews and I found gifts they would like for that amount.
My FIL will get a bottle of whisky for less than £20 but my MIL asked for a scarf and I found a pretty one for £6.50. Nothing has to be equal. It’s about the thought - which you know already so don’t worry if yours spend less on your kids.

I think this depends.

In normal circumstances, I would not be itemizing the cost of gifts given to my DC. I likely wouldn't even notice. It would be a different scenario should I notice a consistent difference between the grandparents' treatment of children from another branch of the family, or between one of my children and the other/s.

It sounds as though the latter might be the case from your OP. If so, YANBU. Favouritism, or golden children vs. scapegoats, is a very toxic, unhealthy family dynamic and one I'd be pulling out all the stops to protect my children from. Is it only the gifts making these differences apparent, or is it discernible in the GPs' general treatment of the children, in the time or affection devoted to them, or in praise vs. 'subtle' criticism? Those things are all important, and, were I in your position, would determine the level of effort put into the relationship from this point on.

It is not 'grabby' to be concerned about your children being treated as second-best to someone else's. Some AIBU contributors just love any excuse to stick the boot into OPs posting here. The 'you've been told, why are you asking?' type of comment is particularly directive and those posting really do come across as ridiculous. You're not Head Teacher around here, nor are you the thread police; others will post as they see fit and no OP has to capitulate to your orders.

Have you spoken to them about it? Have you spoken to your DH about it? Have you asked HIM to speak to his parents about it?

Your kids really won't notice the difference; it's you with the problem.

Not grabby at all, if the limit had been £10 per child and the GP had spent that for all GC I don’t think the OP would have had any issue.

People lack the ability to think beyond numbers OP, I can see why you are upset. It must feel to you that your dc are second best.

I would ask your DH to speak to his parents, they may be closer to your sils dc and not considered that you have noticed. If they are nice they will feel mortified and rectify it. You never know the conversation may bring DH and his parents closer.

You’re being utterly ridiculous and coming across as very “grabby”. Your poor DH and in-laws.

grabby and petty

is it really worth getting worked up over this? I mean most of the tat kids get has a limited shelf life anyway so does it really matter if its £15 or £30? As long as they are loving to all the gcs then who cares.

you're also ruining the joy of present giving for yourself and potentially your kids if you don't have a good game face

I would definitely start suggesting things. GPs much prefer that.

I honestly don't get most of the replies on here. It's not grabby to feel aggrieved that your children are being treated differently and unfairly when they are. It's not a good thing to teach them the lesson that it's ok for people to treat them that way either. It wouldn't be a big deal if it was a couple of quid but half the price of the presents their cousins get is quite a substantial and noticeable difference. They may not notice now but they will eventually and it will be hurtful.

It's not the amount of money that upsets me, it's the inequality and the feeling my kids are lesser somehow

Exactly. It's the message they send by the decision to spend less that's the problem.

At the moment, your DC are too young to notice. The issue will be when they become aware as they get older.

MY DD1 was favoured in this way over her younger sister by my PILs and my Dsis's children were favoured over both of mine in this way by my DPs. As she grew up, she noticed and was just as upset by being favoured by one set of grandparents as she was by being treated as second best by the other set.

If you have a deep sense of justice, this will never feel right. It's perfectly reasonable to feel this way and not in the slightest bit grabby.

I think you're right to feel a bit aggrieved.
I'd give them a list of things at £30, see what happens.

Why not just say 'Let's stop all this present giving'? It obviously causes more problems than it's worth.

If one set of grandchildren are getting more spent on them than the others and the adults can plainly see it because the gifts are being opened in front of both sets of grandchildren and parents then that's shitty behaviour from the grandparents and I would definitely say something op. It's not fair and it's hurtful.

Be thankful that they ar