Am I being grabby?

[Julies87]

Genuine question as I don't know how to feel about this. It's another in law one I'm afraid.

We have 3 kids and DH sister has 4, all similar age ranges and all under 10. Ours are overall younger than SILs as they're a little older than us although the youngest child in both families are the same age.

When our first came along GPs said they'd set all the GCs a budget for Christmas and birthdays of £30, which is lovely obviously and that's what they stick to with SILs kids. However over the years I've noticed that the presents our kids get are always half that, they only ever spend £15 max per child.

I didn't really notice at first but now I've become aware it really annoys me. DH is upset by it but seems willing to just ignore it. His choice but if they were my parents I'd say something but we have a very different relationship I suppose. DH loves his parents and they're nice people, they don't really 'talk' though IFSWIM. How do I get past this and learn to ignore it 🤷

Sorry that should read be thankful they are around to buy gifts who cares how much a gift costs it's the thought that counts.

But its not thoughtful, it's thoughtless to purposely spend more money on one set of grandchildren and then choose to spend less on the other set. In face it's quite spiteful in my opinion. I'd be gutted if my parents had done that to ether me or my brothers children.

How do you or the op know how much they have spent? It could be a case of they buy things that are on offer so it may look like they get more. Either way a gift is a gift and people should stop being so greedy 7 grandkids are a lot to fork out for no matter whever it's a fiver or £15.

I've possibly been on the other side of this. But I think there were reasons.

I'm the youngest of 7, My eldest brothers had their DC young. When my eldest was born, my eldest nieces and nephews were in their 20s, there were a group who were teenagers/late primary at the time and then mine and my sisters DC are in a younger group.

By the time we had our children, DHs parents were dead and so was my dad and my elderly mother was their only grandparent. At this point all the other grandchildren still had another full set of GPs and had also had the love of my parents for more of their life. When my mum died, my DC were still primary age (as were my sisters) but the rest were all adults.

My mum did give mine more for Christmas and birthdays but she did explain her reasons to my siblings. I did tell her it was not her job to compensate my DC for their lack of other grandparents but she wouldn't listen. I would have traded anything extra spent on them for them to have more people to love them tbh.

I can see why you’d be hurt by this, so I don’t think YABU. I don’t think it’s grabby to want to feel as though your children are equal in their grand parents’ eyes to your SIL’s children. I don’t think you can really say anything though…

The op has already said that she knows the pricing of the gifts and that this isn't a one off, money isn't the issue with the grandparents. She's also said that the grandparents buy the favoured set of grandchildren their school uniforms but don't do this for the other set. It's unfair and it's hurtful in my view.

1stTimeMama ·

My MIL buys nothing for my children, for birthdays or Christmas, but gives her adult children, their partners and her other 2 teen grandchildren a sack or gifts each.

I really hope you don't buy her anything!

This is precisely what we did - at my MiL's own suggestion - and my husband's sister took gratuitous offence. We were both in the room when MiL addressed me directly on the subject and I responded that I felt it a sensible suggestion. SiL then turned on her mother and attacked her verbally; I merely picked up my phone and began messaging, then left them to it and retreated from the room.

SIL was pissed because she actively liked using Christmas to give me, in particular, passive-aggressive little 'gifts' that would register her disapproval. Her own mother clipped her wings nicely, giving me precisely what I wanted as I was getting quite tired of it, and the whole situation, if awkward, was quite entertaining from my POV.

The moral of this story is in response to this comment: It's not the amount of money that upsets me, it's the inequality and the feeling my kids are lesser somehow.

Precisely. Make no mistake about it, the sort of people who go to this degree of effort to convey such a message are doing so deliberately.

I think a lot of it is age dependent. DPiL buy gifts of (I assume) massively different values for DD and DSS. It's because DSS is 11 years older, DD is two and perfectly happy with second hand itEms (if she even knew what that meant 😂)
Quantity wise, I'd say DD gets more gifts though (from everyone), because her gifts are much cheaper. But no one is trying to hit a target to make sure both children have the same amount spent on them!
We also spend a lot more on DSS than DD for the reasons above.
It's not because we favor one over the other, it's just about what each one likes / would be happy with gift wise.
I am very close to DPiL and I wouldn't dream of questioning why DSS received gifts of a higher value than DD - i don't even know how you could broach that subject! How could you evidence how much each present actually cost them?

Actions speak far louder than words and I've seen bias on both sides of the family with preferential treatment of siblings then the grandchildren of the preferred children so I don't think you're being grabby but god forbid you bring this topic up unless you want WW3 as demonstrated on this thread

Our kids get £10 each for Xmas and birthday from PIL, DH sometimes gets a present for both Xmas and birthday, they don’t give me anything. My parents on the other hand give our children more money and they gift both me and DH money, I don’t allow it to bother me to be honest, I guess different families have different set ups.

Then surely it would be better for them if they spent £15 on all of their grandchildren rather than £30 on some and £15 on others.

I absolutely don't, but my husband will send her something. We don't see her often now as we moved across the country, but we visited last Christmas and she actually handed out these sacks of presents to her son and his boyfriend when they popped in whilst all my children, who were all under 12 then, had to watch and leave with nothing.
She sent money over for the first few years, and then that stopped, so I now keep well out of it and it's up my husband if he wants to send her anything. Just to add, she also doesn't get my husband, her actual son, anything either!

Op is it the GP buying the gift's? I'm wondering if they ask your Dil to buy as a help to them?

And it's Dil who is cheekily reducing your costs.

I don't think you are being grabby.
I think you should keep an eye on it and respond appropriately if it becomes more obvious as DC get older and they may start to notice.

It may also be that more expensive gifts are being requested . My SIL asks my PIL for very specific, very expensive gifts for their DC and PIL feel obliged to buy them . DH and I are not greedy fuckers so our DC get cheaper presents from PIL.

You are not being grabby at all. It hurts for grandparents to treat their grandchildren differently.

Not that really though is it? if they kids all had toys of different prices over the years...and sometimes the SILs kids had cheaper toys...then its all fair. You cant really year on year give your daughters kids more expensive presents without someone raising the question why.... Im a grandparent...wouldnt dream of spending different amounts... they get stockings and a cheque for the same amount...always.

I agree. It seems like you've noticed the discrepancy with them towards your children in other areas, so I would scale back interaction and affection accordingly, until or unless it reaches a degree of severity where you feel you must speak about it directly.

Only on Mumsnet do people not notice that one grandchild gets more, or if they do, they're overwhelmed with gratitude nonetheless. It's not grabby, you've used the wrong word and de-railed your own thread. I'd notice and I'd not care about the price difference as much as what it said about the relationships involved.

The sheer unfairness would annoy me.

My in-laws used to do this. They spent tons on my nieces and nephew and a fraction on my son. Their reasoning was that my son had his other grandparents (my mum and dad). Still thought it was a shitty thing to do.

I would have thought there is a reason for the discrepancy.
Do your kids have lots of stuff anyway where their cousins don’t?
Do yours/ you take care of their toys?
Are thank you letters/ emails/ phone calls given promptly?
Do the grandparents spend more on yours generally because they only live 5 minutes away?
Is it time versus money - do they see the other kids less,so make it up with better gifts?

To answer some questions, no my kids don't have more than their cousins, they are considerably better off than we are so it's the other way round, ours have less. The GPs spend £30+ each on their daughters kids but no more than £15 each on ours.

They were the ones who set the £30 budget and made sure to let us know that was the budget. It's actually very obvious at the grand gift openings that our kids get less now. MIL even commented on it last year saying she felt she hadn't got our kids enough. Of course my answer was don't worry they've had loads but she had got them exactly half what their cousins had.

They see ALL the grandkids the same amount, we all live 15 mins from each other, we see everyone on a weekly basis. My kids don't get more through the year but they do get regular treats tbf, as do all the cousins. It's not based on age, there is only 6 years between the oldest and youngest child.

YANBU, that's awful and it's clear that it's the inequality that bothers you. If they spend £15 each on SIL's kids too then you'd be fine.

I would spend £15 on MIL/FIL. Make it a point to not spend more than that.

SIL is also considerably better off than we are although we're doing ok.

Unfortunately there are people who thing the richer you are, the better presents you deserve.

I don’t think you’re grabby. I just think it’s a sad fact that in a lot of families the GC of daughters are favourites over sons. Maybe your DSiL does more for them than your DH. A son’s a son and all that…