Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

I would think of things that your nephews and neices would LOVE to do, arrange those for your own kids and then invite the others along.

I would also have a chat with just the adults saying there seems to be a bit of an unfriendly vibe, can we do anything to fix it? If they don't want to know, that's fine, but at least then it's clear (to them) that they are the ones being weird and unfriendly. It might be that there's something that is bothering or offending them but they don't know how to broach it so are being passive aggressive instead.

Whatever the outcome, kill them with kindness, OP.

I think its time to build up resilience. Sadly your brother has shown his hand. You mentioned your children were excited to see their cousins, time to start gently letting them down “remember little Billy, Freddy and Johnny might be busy with their own friends so we might not see them much” etc. No point in weeping about a relationship that isn’t there, grow strong and help your children to do so too. Make your own plans and don’t wait for invites.

Have you ever invited your brother and family to visit you? If so what happened?

She says they go ‘at least twice a month’, and stay longer at half terms and holidays. That’s what strikes me as odd about this whole situation — that it’s so regular and the kids are still ‘so excited’ to see cousins who aren’t interested, and she’s bawling her eyes out over it. I think I’d understand it more if it were only a few times a year, but as they’re such regular visitors, it does sound slightly as though the OP wants ‘excitement’ and social overtures that might be more understandable if these visits were rarer. If the children and their cousins, and both sets of parents, don’t get on particularly, and are forced into proximity every other weekend, I think it’s a bit much to expect such regular inclusion.

Which is not to say that I don’t understand the OP’s with for a warm relationship between cousins.

I agree with trying this out. Think of some fun ideas they might all enjoy and ask your brother if the kids would like to join you.
Take them out for some food?
A play or kick about in the park?
Maybe a movie night and sleepover if there's space?

In defence of the in laws’ DC, I used to absolutely HATE forced interactions when I was a kid. I remember being about their age and being told ‘go and play with XYZ’ or ‘ask XYZ what she’s interested in’ and I really, really didn’t want to. In some cases this included cousins if I was feeling shy or socially awkward - I didn’t see them often and didn’t know them like I knew my own friends.
I wasn’t being antisocial for the sake of it, I was uncomfortable. Would have been much happier with my Walkman or Gameboy (showing my age lol).

It’s possible the ILs know this about their kids and don’t want to push the ‘enforced fun’ aspect.

If they don't want to know, that's fine, but at least then it's clear (to them) that they are the ones being weird and unfriendly.

That’s a bit of a non sequitur. It might be clear to them that the unfriendly vibe is because one or more of OP’s kids is a pain in the arse, or because six kids none of whom have chosen each other are unlikely to get on swimmingly at all times, or because grandad favours one set over the other, or because they’re just visiting too often, or some other reason.

Something doesn't add up with this thread 🤔

Haven't RTFT. I think the cousin's behaviour is quite typical of this age group although I acknowlege that this is very sad. You are unlikely to change things a whole lot here nor do you have any real responsibility to. I think what you have to focus on how damaging this actually is for your kids. If you feel it's seriously affecting them and they're getting nothing positive out of being with their cousins then give your kids the choice whether they want to keep going or would rather have a day out together or see their friends. Don't ever be afraid to empower your children to be in charge of their own happiness. If you feel a sense of duty towards your family then you could always visit alone. No family is worth being miserable for and they especially aren't worth your kids being miserable. Don't overthink it. Do what's right for your immediate family x

You have a SIL problem. It’s never going to get better.

OP perhaps you just have to understand there is no closeness between you and your brother's family.

FWIW I have zilch in common with DH's sisters, the one with DC in particular. We have different values, different.priorities and our children have been brought up on different moorings.

At 12, 10 and 9, your DC could naturally be in touch with their cousins. They aren't so you need to drop it and let them know their cousins might be doing other stuff. They shouldn't be "crushed".

As an only I really wanted my dc to have family. Having got to know the family I'd rather they kept a distance. DH has 13 cousins - he's not in touch with any of them except for the odd Christmas card. The only thing he has in common with his sisters is sharing a home with them as kids. He left at 18 when they were 16 and 13. There was never much of a bond and thank goodness they both live on a different Continent.

This. I can well imagine being hostile if, as a kid, I was expected to play host every other weekend to visiting family regardless of what I wanted to do. They may want to see their own friends, have their own family time, or even just relax and zone out after a week at school.

The adults aren’t even particularly hiding their feelings, so of course the kids won’t.

I think some people have this idea that just because you share a bit of DNA wih people, that friendship is guaranteed.

For every person who is best friends with their cousins, there is another who hasn't seen their cousins for years and wouldn't recognise them if they passed in the street. It's nothing to feel "sad" about or try to force the friendship. It is what it is.

Do you look down on them? You keep posting about how yoire fronm London, you holiday, have weekends away your kids are privately educated, every post smacks of showing off and pointing out how very provincial they are.

id be curious to see their view on this. I suspect it would be very different indeed/

You seem to have contempt of your own.

No-one cares that you are from London or that your DC go to private school.

The children aren't "beyond rude". It isn't the cousins jobs to entertain your DC. The world doesn't stop because your family deigns to visit.

I also have 3 children (although mine are a bit younger, 10, 9 and 7) and I can't imagine them being particularly up for forced socialising every other weekend with family or family friends who happen to be a similar age. I'm surprised your 12 year old isn't kicking back against it a bit more - they are getting to an age where they'll have stuff they want to do on a weekend rather than being ferried off to see family for the whole weekend every fortnight.

We are also in London and although my DC don't go to private school, they have friends who do. My DD9 does hockey (at a club, not at school) and I'd say 80% of the kids there are from private schools and although some of them are away some weekends, none of them are away every weekend! I'm sure your kids have friends who stay in London at weekends and they'd probably like to see them and do activities and so on!

As the sibling that carried the load in terms of the day to day care of my elderly parents I see a lot in this comment OP.

You have mentioned multiple times that they don’t want to travel - what’s your issue with that? You’ve repeated it a few times - that’s their prerogative - maybe when you arrive for two days out of 14, they might just like to be able to chill and relax in their own home and with their own lives and friends rather than having to either look out for your dad, entertain the London cousins or travel off somewhere because you’ve tried to encourage them to travel more…

If they carry the lions share of looking out for your dad 12 days out of 14 why are they providing the birthday meal and entertaining all of you when you’re there - could you not have either hosted at your Dads house or taken everyone out for the birthday meal?

Cut them some slack OP, be grateful they are around for your dad allowing you to have your life in London without the worry of him being alone or trying to juggle his appointments and daily needs around your work and life from a distance. And trying hard not to sound unkind here but I can see why your SIL may not be encouraging the relationship - the way you speak of her on here, you clearly don’t like her. But yet you want her to entertain your family when you arrive. Maybe gently reflect on whether she has sensed this and whether you might have some small part to play in why they don’t want to forge friendships with your family?

You clearly all have a great bond with your dad and it’s lovely that you do come to stay so regularly and help with his home etc. But as others have said, either just focus on your dad and your own DH and kids or try to make your own friends and lives in the village - leave your DB SIL and kids to get the benefit of you being there and give them a few days to themselves with no hosting or caring responsibilities.

Maybe the cousins just aren't that interested in hanging out with random kids they barely know? Or maybe they've talked enough in the past to realise that they haven't got much in common, beyond a bit of shared genetics? They are all old enough to have decided "yeah, we're not going to be mates". It's not like they're toddlers who'll play with anyone.

The cousins probably HAVE got things they'd rather be doing, like seeing and chatting with actual mates, than hanging out with elderly grandad and cousins they're not friendly with.

I think you are probably visiting too frequently and it’s starting to irritate them because they are trying to juggle everything when you aren’t there and then being expected to entertain you every other weekend is getting too much. The kids want to get on with their lives with their friends, but they can’t because you keep snapping your fingers and showing up. You need to think how you would feel if you were them. I think it probably comes across that everything is on your terms and they feel suffocated by it. Your children probably annoy them because they are the reason they can’t just get on with their weekends. Your kids might be just as unwelcoming if the situation was reversed.

They don't leave the village. They're going to a nearby city in a couple of weeks Christmas shopping but that's it!

As in lifestyle we love to travel with the dc, once or twice a year. My bro & sil in law rarely leave the village with their dc for days out & don't holiday

Their friends in the village are carefully chosen & would be similarly wealthy to them. In the past their dc have made comments about certain children in the village who they don't like & won't play with.. Sil or bro would chip in with a bitchy comment about the family.. Not nice.. Sil also from the village

Dc go to a private day school (no weekend school & matches are sporadic) all their activities are built into their school week which frees up family time at the weekend. Alot of their friends families also travel out of London at the weekend

when we arrived with dad the kids just ignored us all.. It was beyond rude

My dc are really inclusive & play with everyone which I am so proud of them for

When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward

I never said my dc were clueless & awkward

ant then,,

However in recent months they seem to have grown resentful to my three & we don't know where it stems from.

I think everyone else is starting to understand where it stems from

you.

Also I think you have very high expectations of the reaction you want. People are just going about their lives. This makes me think in turn you are unable to manage your kids’ expectations. It feels like they are trying to send a message and you haven’t got it nor have your kids and now they have resorted to rudeness to shake you off. Give them some space and don’t put your hopes and expectations on to them. They will come to you if they want to see you. Sometimes kids just don’t hit it off so don’t force it.

The views of the world you’re expressing op sound very black and white. Your children are inclusive, you’re proud of your dcs. Your brother, wife and dcs are not nice and beyond rude.

Reading between the lines, I am imagining that you or probably your dcs have insulted or upset your n&ns. Perhaps you or they didn’t mean to, but it does sound that way if things have changed over recent months. Perhaps they feel judged by you. That wouldn’t surprise me at all.

If you want to fix this, I would stop acting like the victim in this and try to sort it out with your brother and/or SIL. Firstly to apologise if you’ve done something wrong as you’ve noticed an atmosphere and ask if maybe you could talk about it as you’ve noticed an atmosphere.

You aren’t going to get anywhere though if you don’t actually tackle the issue of judging your family and way of being favourably in relation to theirs. If you have 3 dcs in London all in private school, you aren’t really living in the real world and must have a very large income. I lived in a similar bubble a few years ago and didn’t realise I was… until I wasn’t.

As for schooling, my dd changed from state secondary to private school so I have experience of both schools. I can very much assure you your dcs aren’t being as inclusive as you may think in your bubble. My dd isn’t either as certain friends have fallen by the wayside. Children, who she would hang out at school in the popular crowd, the ones getting sanctions and getting in fights. There are an awful lot of children, who your dcs will not have ever encountered.

I wonder whether visiting every other weekend is too much, it may feel quite invasive for the other family, it is their 'territory' as it were.

They may feel as though you intend to muscle in on their closeness to your father and maintain a high profile in the family for you and your dc while they still do all the actual caring work & practical help.

I'd love to see where you deduce this? The posts from OP just seem to be giving context, no idea where the snide 'you' is coming from.

No I'm not I'm responding to questions asked. I was asked why my kids don't do activities at the weekend or attend parties.. The answer simply is activities are catered for in after school clubs & due to the dcs friends leaving London at the weekend parties happen midweek. That is because the school they attend. End of. I didn't voluntarily give the information.