Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

I would have given up on these relationships years ago. I'm surprised your children are still so excited to see them when they're so consistently shunned.

I'd focus on doing your own thing as a family when you're there.

Exactly. All of this.

I have felt v let down by own siblings at times (tho I love them dearly, still) but the cousins, despite all being different, age-wise & interest-wise, get on great in their own way.

No way would I tolerate my DC being rude or exclusionary to anyone.

If they're doing lots of caring for df they may see your visits as respite and an opportunity to do less. You do come down too frequently to expect them to host you if it doesn't come naturally, especially when they have inviting commitments already in the family. You're able to come and go, they can't. I would leave it and take ownership of your time. Friendships can't be forced.

She is crying her eyes out because her tween nieces and nephews are friendly towards her tween children.

lots of kids don’t click. Some do. Yes it’s a shame as it would be great to have a close family relationship but you can’t force kids to like echo other.

You could join the facebook home village pages - the churches together page, the whats-on page, the community centre page, that kind of thing, they might be called something different - then you would be up to date with upcoming events there to bring your children to. (Christmas Lantern parade, church nativity with a real donkey, carols around the Christmas tree, coffee and cake fundraiser for local hospice etc)

Your DB and his family sound horrid. I’d ignore them and do my own thing when visiting your village. Just spend time with your dad and try and forget that your brother lives nearby. If you bump into him a breezy Hello should be enough. Same with his children.

Having read your updates there is no way I would be taking the whole family there every other weekend. I imagine your DC would prefer to do their own activities at home especially if they are being excluded. I’m really close with my family but every other weekend is a lot to bring the whole family together especially if it’s forced. I think the expectations are too high. Perhaps it will improve in future when there is less pressure & the kids are older.

12,10 and 9 year olds are old enough to know that people aren't friends with everyone in their class and that might be the case with the cousins here. It's strange that they are so excited to see children that aren't bothered by their presence and that you haven't tried to quash that enthusiasm and travelled with things for them to do. Did the cousins get along when they were younger ? Your kids are old enough to suggest that they hang out together when at your dad's.
Looking up the events seems like a no brained to me. Facebook is good for this kind of thing.
As for the pub - if someone was going to be invited for a pint, it would be you and not your h? Again, is there common ground apart from your dad? I know you said that you can't talk to your brother but it sounds like it's the same for him too.

I suspect they are resentful of doing all the caring work and you and your family coming in expecting the red carpet treatment. Surely that event you could have offered to take everyone. I'd love to hear the other side I'd imagine they would have alot to say on the matter.

Tbh OP it sounds like you've got one foot in London and one in your childhood village and it's causing problems for you. Which is the permanent base where your life is? London. So you're visiting home town as visitors, to see your das. Ring fence seeing your dad as the purpose, and in the meantime do more to integrate when you are in your home village, like joining church groups, Facebook groups, finding out about local events etc and then just nudge a little into it when you're there but remember it isn't your home life, London is.

Right now it feels like your cousin's are like gatekeepers in your mind and that's unhealthy.

Some weird hostility directed at Op because she dared move to London.

OP, you may be going home too often tbh. The cousins are probably feeling increasingly resentful at the notion that they should entertain your kids every time you turn up. They’ll have their own routines, their own friends, and their own preferences as to how they want to spend their weekends, yet they’re constantly getting disrupted. Of course they’re pissed off, it probably feel like an invasion to them.

You’re also making it difficult for your children to build and maintain their own friendship groups and routines at home because you keep dragging them away from it. It must be really unsettling.

Not everyone wants their lives to revolve around their family. However much you may idealize and want it, it’s not working for the other members of your family. In fact, it seems to be making everyone pretty miserable tbh. You’re not encouraging closeness, but resentment and dislike. Both sets of kids are unhappy here, and they’re also approaching an age where they’ll start getting more vocal in their opposition too. I think you’re very close to this fully blowing up.

YANBU, you and your family sound great, OP.

I do think you should just cut your losses with Db, sil and nieces and nephews.

Be polite but don’t suggest plans and keep your kids busy with activities so they don’t look to their cousins.

When you and the kids start caring less, then you’ll find the nieces and nephews wanting to spend time with them.

Yes I'd be interested in the other side of this one. "We are the main support for DF but DSiL and family swan down from the big smoke every other week and in the holidays and expect us to host them, include them in everything we do, want our kids to entertain theirs instead of spending time with their friends".

"crying", "heartbroken" and "crushed" are rather dramatic terms for two bunches of kids who simply don't want to be best buddies.

Presumably this idyllic village has a parish magazine, facebook local etc - nothing to stop the OP joining these and organising to attend events rather than expecting the local family to do it all for them.

@EarringsandLipstick it wasn't intended to be horrid. The whole thing sounds made up!

I don’t understand all the replies stating that the children don’t need to be ‘friends’. They’re not friends no, they’re family. Surely family should make an effort to get to know and include each other. Very strange.

So OP to recap:

Your feelings about this are wrong.
Where you live is wrong.
Your choice of school is wrong.
Your choice of childcare is wrong.
The frequency with which you visit family is wrong.
Your attitude to visiting family is wrong.
Wishing the cousins all got along is wrong.
Not taking devices along is wrong.
Who you take when you visit is wrong.

So there you go. There is nothing further to be gained from this thread. I’d abandon it if it were mine.

DH's parents live just outside London, are younger & more active than my dad & pop into us very regularly. Dh & his dad golf together regularly. They have a great relationship. My mil is very kind & has been very welcoming to me from day 1. His brother, wife & kids are living in the Far East due to work . We'll see them at Christmas, we love their company.

Yes they used to get on famously, it was lovely to see them together. Yes DH & I always brought them out with ours, no problem at all! However in recent months they seem to have grown resentful to my three & we don't know where it stems from.

I think you need to acknowledge the behaviour, your /their hurt etc head on with your children - they are old enough to understand differences in behaviour. This is so important in helping them to manage their feelings towards being disregarded. I would do this and then distance from your brother and his family tbh. They sound rude, insular and there may be others things MH-wise going on. It you need to acknowledge the hurt as a family - it will lessen all of your pain.

Well, no. Families are made up of individuals, and there’s no guarantee that people will get on because, through accident of birth, they share blood. Friends, on the other hand, are actively chosen, so of course those can be the most meaningful relationships.

Sorry, I see you're there every other weekend and all the holidays.

All I can think is that it's clear that you don't like your brother and his wife much and they don't much like you and it's pretty obvious to their children.

And I wouldn't expect cousins who see each other every other weekend to be make a huge effort to be welcoming. Maybe they find it annoying that they have to include your children?

I'd just stick to two families from now on. If you want to go to events (and there must be a village Facebook page and you must know other people if you grew up there), find out about them yourself and take your children to them.

This is an AIBU where I'd be interested in the ILs version of events. If the Op has visited every other week for years and the eldest child is 12 then there must be more history to this

It does sound like you don't like your db & his family very much, perhaps it's just a case of the feeling being mutual?

we are only hearing one side of this. And I would love to understand the other side.

the kids see each other very regularly, they are the same age. One set runs in enthusiastically every two weeks to see another set who don’t want to know. That seems like a strange dynamic. Something must have happened. They must have all played together fine at some stage.

cousins don’t need to be friends if they don’t want to. I hate this attitude of having to put up with crap just because you are related.

there does however seem to be more to this story than op is telling us. The kids see each other every other week?? Yet her kids still haven’t picked up that the other kids don’t like them? Even the twelve year old?

Some weird hostility directed at Op because she dared move to London.

I moved to London myself so it's not about daring to move there. It's about being more self-aware that you can come across as a bit twatty when you go back, which it sounds like the OP is with her delusions about her egalitarian inclusive children only at private school for the wraparound care, not at all like the snooty SIL who judges the hoipolloi even though she's the one who stayed in the village etc etc.

We live away from my home, but are keen for my DC to feel part of my family. We do go over regularly to facilitate this. Although my nephews and nieces are a bit older, they are all very welcoming of DC. Their parents would never arrange to do things, I think because we are not there, we don't feature in their thoughts that much until we are there, and that is ok. I arrange activities and everyone gets on board.

I think it might be a good idea to find things that interest the niblings and invite them. I am afraid that maybe they are a bit old now to have a lot of success but it is worth trying, because it would be lovely if they had a closer bond.