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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

394 replies

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:00

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

OP posts:
Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:07

Jourdain11 · 20/11/2022 11:43

I also have 3 children (although mine are a bit younger, 10, 9 and 7) and I can't imagine them being particularly up for forced socialising every other weekend with family or family friends who happen to be a similar age. I'm surprised your 12 year old isn't kicking back against it a bit more - they are getting to an age where they'll have stuff they want to do on a weekend rather than being ferried off to see family for the whole weekend every fortnight.

We are also in London and although my DC don't go to private school, they have friends who do. My DD9 does hockey (at a club, not at school) and I'd say 80% of the kids there are from private schools and although some of them are away some weekends, none of them are away every weekend! I'm sure your kids have friends who stay in London at weekends and they'd probably like to see them and do activities and so on!

If you read my post, we're not away every weekend either!

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 20/11/2022 13:10

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:07

If you read my post, we're not away every weekend either!

If you read her post, she's not saying you're away, she's referring your post saying the other families from your DC's school are away every weekend. There really is a pattern to your posts that you're righteous and can't possibly be at fault.

Jourdain11 · 20/11/2022 13:21

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:07

If you read my post, we're not away every weekend either!

I did read your post, but I wasn't talking about your family, I was referring to the fact that you say all their school friends are away every weekend. Even every second weekend is quite a lot though! What if they want to do other things or see friends at home, or just relax at the weekend rather than setting off in the car to spend a weekend with cousins who aren't enthusiastic about socialising with them?

EarringsandLipstick · 20/11/2022 13:21

There really is a pattern to your posts that you're righteous and can't possibly be at fault.

I feel I'm reading a different thread as I don't see this?

However OP, I had assumed this was a long-standing problem. If it's only been a recent thing, why not ask DB?

Jourdain11 · 20/11/2022 13:22

Pinkdelight3 · 20/11/2022 13:10

If you read her post, she's not saying you're away, she's referring your post saying the other families from your DC's school are away every weekend. There really is a pattern to your posts that you're righteous and can't possibly be at fault.

Ha, thank you - you put that more succinctly than I did!

Greytea · 20/11/2022 13:31

How old is your “elderly” father?
Does he need care? Does he have disabilities? Does he need help with things?
Is he lonely?
Does he have a social life?

My lovely parents live five hours away and are in their mid-late 80s. It would be impossible for me to visit them twice a month. Same with my sister. I’m curious as to why you visit him so often.

Both you and your brother’s family are wealthy. Is your father too?

When you visit, I assume you all stay with your father. Does he have to get all the beds changed for five people and do the shopping for you all?

Is it a lovely house? In a lovely location?

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:31

Jourdain11 · 20/11/2022 13:21

I did read your post, but I wasn't talking about your family, I was referring to the fact that you say all their school friends are away every weekend. Even every second weekend is quite a lot though! What if they want to do other things or see friends at home, or just relax at the weekend rather than setting off in the car to spend a weekend with cousins who aren't enthusiastic about socialising with them?

Well they travel to see their grandfather, they're extremely close to him & have a very special bond. Spending their time with him is absolutely not a chore. They learn so much from him & enjoy his company immensely.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 20/11/2022 13:32

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:31

Well they travel to see their grandfather, they're extremely close to him & have a very special bond. Spending their time with him is absolutely not a chore. They learn so much from him & enjoy his company immensely.

But they need their cousins there as well?

diddl · 20/11/2022 13:33

Your dislike of your brother & sil comes through in spades.

Perhaps their kids have picked it up & decided that they're no longer interested in your family?

Do you often ask if your kids can tag along to stuff without either you or your husband?

Stripedbag101 · 20/11/2022 13:36

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:31

Well they travel to see their grandfather, they're extremely close to him & have a very special bond. Spending their time with him is absolutely not a chore. They learn so much from him & enjoy his company immensely.

Is this true? Your twelve year old gets so much enrichment from visiting his of her grandfather every other weekend that they would rather do that than ice skate or got to the cinema or the pool with their school friends? I find this really really hard to believe.

I am sure they love their elderly grandfather and enjoy seeing him. But this all seems a bit OTT.

my best friend has an amazing holiday home, lots of water toys and speed boats etc. her 13 year old son has started protesting going - he wants to ‘hang’ with his friends. That is a normal part of growing up. Your kids seem straight out of an Enid blyton book!

Northernparent68 · 20/11/2022 13:37

HeraldicBlazoning · 20/11/2022 11:27

I think some people have this idea that just because you share a bit of DNA wih people, that friendship is guaranteed.

For every person who is best friends with their cousins, there is another who hasn't seen their cousins for years and wouldn't recognise them if they passed in the street. It's nothing to feel "sad" about or try to force the friendship. It is what it is.

Valid point, most people I know do not see their cousins regularly

MichelleScarn · 20/11/2022 13:39

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:31

Well they travel to see their grandfather, they're extremely close to him & have a very special bond. Spending their time with him is absolutely not a chore. They learn so much from him & enjoy his company immensely.

So what are you doing when you visit, I see its been asked loads! Are you doing caring and household tasks for your DF when you visit? Can't imagine there's DIY tasks your DH needs to do every fortnight.
Now have the image of your dc and you gathered at the feet of your DF wholesomely, and judging everyone else while they run around hosting!

Gruffling · 20/11/2022 13:39

Talk to your brother, it's the only way you will know what is going on.

How are your DCs social lives? The arrangement sounds disruptive for them. As much as you love your dad I think you should prioritise DC.

I get it, I've been that person trying so hard to build relationships with extended family who were not interested. In retrospect, it would have been better to spend time strengthening relationships with friends that wanted to spend time with us.

It could be that your brother's family are just maintaining the relationships for the sake or your dad. Consider the reality that when he is gone, you won't see them much and prepare yourself and your family to be resilient by building friendships outside of the family.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/11/2022 13:40

OP thinking this through a bit. Who gets the shopping in for when five of you descend. Do you bring it and pay for it?

Who changes the beds, washes the towels, etc.

If it's your sil I can understand why she's a bit "off" with you.

Greytea · 20/11/2022 13:46

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 13:31

Well they travel to see their grandfather, they're extremely close to him & have a very special bond. Spending their time with him is absolutely not a chore. They learn so much from him & enjoy his company immensely.

Really? I find that hard to believe. All three of your pre-teen DC are extremely close to their “elderly” grandfather?

Or is it more like his house is like a holiday home to you that you visit on weekends, like some other private school parents may have?

Or are you actually taking on “caring” responsibilities for him because he is now struggling?

Pinkdelight3 · 20/11/2022 13:48

Well they travel to see their grandfather, they're extremely close to him & have a very special bond. Spending their time with him is absolutely not a chore. They learn so much from him & enjoy his company immensely.

Okay, I'm now thinking this is a tone thing. The way you talk about your side of things is OTT gushy to me and some others on here and perhaps to your DB/SiL, but obviously to some others it's fine. So just chalk it up to different strokes and either find a way dial down your expectations or keep crying cos it'll keep happening as not everything will fit with your kind, proud, special, inclusive way.

Gumreduction · 20/11/2022 13:49

I can’t shake the feeling that, based on your posts OP, I wouldn’t be that keen spending time with you and your Impossibly perfect children.

treadcarefully · 20/11/2022 13:50

I'm trying to put myself in your brother and his family's shoes.
They live there full time, and you maybe come twice a month and have expectations of all being together and doing stuff together including the children. Perhaps if it was every couple of months they would make more effort but every other week means their day to day lives are disrupted to a degree. I'm not taking sides but try and see it from their point of view. I do think it's an opportunity for the cousins to have a great relationship with each other but you can't force it.
Going forward make your own plans for your visits and enjoy spending time with your dad. Your db and sil might not feel under pressure then to do stuff together and may well join in more.

Sunnydays0101 · 20/11/2022 13:52

If your children and their cousins were close previously, it’s an age thing and happens. Lower your children’s expectations - remind your children prior to each visit that they might not see their cousins this visit. Allow your children to bring their devices and perhaps they could all link into a game together.

OhmygodDont · 20/11/2022 13:57

They just anit into you basically. To them you just invade their lives every other weekend/holidays and are clearly put out when they don’t want to make plans with or play you you guys all weekend.

Also rather insulting about them being so terribly insular, so what they enjoy and like their life’s just because they didn’t move to golden London doesn’t make them not as good as you and they probably feel that London snobbiness oozing our your pores.

my children don’t like their cousins either, the more they push the more mine pull back too.

Dontaskdontget · 20/11/2022 13:59

Well, bottom line is, your brother and SIL don’t like you very much, and none of us can tell you why that is. I suspect they’ve said something about you in front of their children, so now their attitude is rubbing off on the kids. A shame, but if you can’t have a frank conversation with your brother about what the problem is, then that’s an even bigger problem.

Assume this is your home village, in which case are there maybe other local friends you know from school days and can introduce your children to their families? Maybe join local Facebook and check out events and plan in advance to take your DC, and ask if their DC want to come along with yours? If you grew up there and are visiting this often, it makes sense for you to integrate into village life more, quite separately from your brother’s family. Maybe start going to the local church on the weekends you’re there and volunteer to help the church with something.

saraclara · 20/11/2022 13:59

Really? I find that hard to believe. All three of your pre-teen DC are extremely close to their “elderly” grandfather?

Why is that hard to believe? My DDs and their cousins were extremely close to my PILs, from toddlerhood to their 30s. They did a joint eulogy at their adored GM's funeral, which was simultaneously humorous, loving and emotional and absolutely the best bit of it.

Greytea · 20/11/2022 14:00

If your dad needs support, why don’t you just go and visit by yourself? When I visit my parents, my whole family generally doesn’t come too. They come sometimes, but I typically go by myself.

Sunnydays0101 · 20/11/2022 14:01

Probably too since your children visit so often, their cousins might not want to spend every second weekend playing with your children. They are getting older now too and playing isn’t as easy as such. In a year for anyway, your 12 yo will want to hang out with their own friends at the weekend and not have to visit a grandparent or cousin.

It sounds as if you expect the red carpet when you visit but your relatives have their own lives and do not want to be entertaining your children so often.

saraclara · 20/11/2022 14:01

RosesAndHellebores · 20/11/2022 13:40

OP thinking this through a bit. Who gets the shopping in for when five of you descend. Do you bring it and pay for it?

Who changes the beds, washes the towels, etc.

If it's your sil I can understand why she's a bit "off" with you.

Why would it be SIL? OP's father doesn't live with them.