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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

394 replies

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:00

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

OP posts:
LisaJool · 20/11/2022 09:48

@RampantIvy I meant OPs home village.... they all sound odd tbh.

pictish · 20/11/2022 09:49

GoldenSpiral · 20/11/2022 08:09

@pictish 'I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London.'

Then OP mentions later that the other family are well off in their own right, just not living in London. I've met quite a few London bores. It wouldn't surprise me, based on what OP has said, if this may be adding to the tension.

No…you’ve picked up the ball and run with it.
It wouldn’t surprise you? So imagining it makes it so…to the point you feel entitled to be insulting to the OP?

Wait until you know.

JenniferBarkley · 20/11/2022 09:50

you've chosen a private day school for your DC, so you can hardly point the finger at SIL for carefully choosing wealthy friends for her DC and eschewing 'certain children' as by definition that's precisely what you've done - and now you're being bitchy about her.

Glad I'm not the only one who enjoyed this bit Grin

Greytea · 20/11/2022 09:51

Baconking · 20/11/2022 09:12

It's not just the OP and PP though. It's very common for people who have moved from other countries or part of the country to refer to the place they were raised as home.

My parents moved from Ireland and lived in London for 50 years, they always referred to Ireland as home when talking about it.
When in Ireland they also called London home.

I think it’s fine to refer to your own parents’ house as home, but you need to make it clear which “home” you are referring to - as the OP has her own home as well.

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 09:51

Pinkdelight3 · 20/11/2022 09:46

Their friends in the village are carefully chosen & would be similarly wealthy to them. In the past their dc have made comments about certain children in the village who they don't like & won't play with.. Sil or bro would chip in with a bitchy comment about the family.. Not nice.

No, it's not nice, but no one's nice all the time and everyone has a bitch now and then, especially in insular village life. You've cosseted yourself from that by living in London where that community doesn't exist in the same way and you've chosen a private day school for your DC, so you can hardly point the finger at SIL for carefully choosing wealthy friends for her DC and eschewing 'certain children' as by definition that's precisely what you've done - and now you're being bitchy about her.

I'm not saying SiL is great, but you're judging her and her her DC as though you and yours have some moral highground and it probably comes across and bugs the shit out of them. I'd be glad that everyone gets on as well as they do and stop being unrealistic about it.

My dcs school doesn't come into the equation. I was asked how we fit in their activities & their parties & I replied. We certainly weren't socially engineering by choosing the school. My dc are really inclusive & play with everyone which I am so proud of them for. We chose the school for wraparound care as we work lomg hours. It's just that simply.

OP posts:
Januarcelebration · 20/11/2022 09:52

Right so your brother and his wife are snobby, small minded, bad parents, rude etc and you think the same about the kids.

Yet are desperate to have your children heavily involved with them?

MiddleParking · 20/11/2022 09:57

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 09:51

My dcs school doesn't come into the equation. I was asked how we fit in their activities & their parties & I replied. We certainly weren't socially engineering by choosing the school. My dc are really inclusive & play with everyone which I am so proud of them for. We chose the school for wraparound care as we work lomg hours. It's just that simply.

You’re being pretty disingenuous there on a number of counts.

WeAreAllSpecksOnARock · 20/11/2022 09:58

If you live away from your family I don’t think you can really expect your DC to be close to their cousins. Their lives have moved on when you have left. They probably feel a bit of resentment that you occasionally reappear and just expect them to fit you all into their lives again on your say so. Where as you are just living your lives in London. I think I would feel a bit weird about that. It’s almost like you want to have your cake and eat it at the same time.

Greytea · 20/11/2022 09:59

When does your DH see his own parents, if he has any?
Does your dad live somewhere nice that you like to visit? Is it a bit like a holiday home to you?(while also helping your dad with bits and pieces).

Gumreduction · 20/11/2022 09:59

This is one of the oddest threads.

OP, you and your DH and your children don’t seem to have a backbone between you

tulippa · 20/11/2022 10:04

Is this a new thing? I don't understand how you and your preteen DCs have only just noticed their cousins are not very welcoming. Why are they excited to visit them if they're so unfriendly? Or did they use to be friendly and have now changed? I can see how this would be hurtful.
Just because they're cousins doesn't mean they'll anything in common. My DS has two cousins the same age living nearby. They'll get on during family gatherings but don't really hang out as they've got very different interests. As others have said, you can't force a friendship.

converseandjeans · 20/11/2022 10:04

You aren’t really a guest if you are family that is there every other week.

I think I would stop making an effort & just go & my own thing. Can't you go out as a family or meet up with your friends if you're from the area? I've stayed in touch with school friends and tend to meet up with them if I'm home as my brother & SIL aren't that interested in seeing us.

I think every other week is a lot & surely your kids have things they want to do at home?

I would find it hard to accommodate family alternate weeks when there's footie matches, parties etc to factor in.

Could your Dad come to visit you instead?

Pinkdelight3 · 20/11/2022 10:05

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 09:51

My dcs school doesn't come into the equation. I was asked how we fit in their activities & their parties & I replied. We certainly weren't socially engineering by choosing the school. My dc are really inclusive & play with everyone which I am so proud of them for. We chose the school for wraparound care as we work lomg hours. It's just that simply.

Ah well then, you're just much better than them, as are your inclusive children.

Wankytramphands · 20/11/2022 10:08

Why don't you talk to the and be honest say you would really like to spend time with them so kids can have fun as they are same age etc could you please both make some effort to do something together see what they say if you don't bring it up nothing changes andif you don't make the first move u cannot moan

EarringsandLipstick · 20/11/2022 10:09

LisaJool · 20/11/2022 09:42

Are you from Royston Vasey by any chance? With you "crying your eyes out" your dc "awkward and confused" and the "local events for local villagers" it certainly sounds like a sketch.

Your brother and SIL are caring for your father. They really don't want to be hosting you for two weekends of their month. As upsetting as that might be, you need to accept it and sort out your own social life when back in Royston the village.

What an utterly horrible post.

Clymene · 20/11/2022 10:10

How often do you actually visit?

EarringsandLipstick · 20/11/2022 10:11

Maybe he thinks it's too forced with you turning up like the prodigal every so often? I used to feel like that about my brother and his family. Swanned in to do performative helping once In a blue moon but weren't there day to day.

And another really horrible extrapolation from you medicated

Why do you keep attacking OP?

saraclara · 20/11/2022 10:11

YABU. Nobody has to be friends with anyone they don’t want to, including family.

FFS. No-one is expecting them to be bosom buddies. But seriously, to COMPLETELY IGNORE anyone, never mind your own cousins? Do all the posters who've said similar to the above, really bring up their kids to ignore people in the same room, who have the temerity to greet them?

This is a whole new level of rudeness that the family are indulging in. And it's really sad when you're regular visitors.

I'd be proactive here. Find out for yourself what's going on in the area when you visit, and do your own thing with confidence. And to be honest, I'd say to your kids "I know that cousins A,B and C are family, but actually they're not very nice, so I think we should just focus on grandad and on having a nice time by ourselves" rather than pretending anything other.

XelaM · 20/11/2022 10:11

You're putting three kids through private education in London just for wrap around care? 😂 I'm in London and have one kid in private school so know a little bit about how much it actually costs. I can think of cheaper ways to achieve wrap around care.

Pinkdelight3 · 20/11/2022 10:13

Also, if you grew up there, go there so often, and your kids will play with everyone, how come you don't have other friends there with kids and go for pints with them and community events off your bat? Something's not adding up here about the way you see yourselves and the reality of how you're coming across. It's like the private school bubble you're in, where everyone goes away for the w/e, has left you and DC in some odd social limbo where you don't really live in either place and are looking to your DB's family to fill the gap, which ain't gonna happen.

Stripedbag101 · 20/11/2022 10:13

This is really odd. If you visit as often as you say the shoulders would know each other very well. What was it like five years ago? Did the children play together? The children see each other much more regularly than a lot of cousins. Yet you did describe it like strangers.

you also seem weirdly emotional. Your brother doesn’t really like your husband. So what? The kids seem to have grown apart.

although your brother did invite you all to his house. But he thrr we n left your dads birthday to take his kids to a fundraiser and allowed his children to say yours couldn’t go?

why didn’t you take your dad and the kudzu yourself?

Rhondaa · 20/11/2022 10:13

Yanbu to be disappointed but you just need to manage expectations. They aren't interested in spending time with your kids and that is sad but you have to just accept it.

Enjoy the time with your df, don't even tell them when you are going to see him. If you bump into them at his house smile do fake 'lovely to see you!' But arrange any activities without any consideration of them. It's a shame but some families are like this.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/11/2022 10:14

OP, I feel really sorry for you, and for some of the posts directed at you on this thread.

I don't think you can change the dynamic, unfortunately.

I think you need to make your own plans, and also manage your DC expectations. There's a control element going on with your DB & SIL & you need to stop them having that power.

It's sad that you can't have the relationship you hope for but you need to stop looking for it now; polite but distant & focus on your relationship with DF only.

And ignore some of the horrible nitpicking posts here 💐

Notonthestairs · 20/11/2022 10:15

This is an AIBU where I'd be interested in the ILs version of events. If the Op has visited every other week for years and the eldest child is 12 then there must be more history to this.

We have a near identical set up and travel regularly to visit my parent. My brother and his family live close by and we get together for one evening per visit.. No more than one evening because we know they have hobbies etc. So aside from that one evening we entertain ourselves.

We do not invite ourselves to events where the cousins will be hanging out with their own friends - I accept it wouldn't work for either set of children.

I don't want our visits to be stressful or for them to have to alter existing plans so we plan events together far in advance.

I'm sure MN will disapprove but my kids take devices to Grandparents houses when their cousins are going to be there. I encourage it! (Yes we take board games too)

The devices have proved useful as the younger ones play group games together (Minecraft, Roblox etc). This has developed so that they play together online remotely outside of our trips - it's nice to hear them chatting from 100 miles away.

The teenagers use their phones to share very silly memes or take a million photos of each other.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/11/2022 10:15

you also seem weirdly emotional.

Why 'weirdly'?

Of course she's emotional - it's her family & she feels her DC are excluded.

It's not weird.