A Gatecrashing Brother in law and fiance at xmas

[Shutthefrontdoor99]

AIBU about DH brother and partner? It's our DS first Christmas. We have got my parents on Christmas day and his parents on boxing day. DH brother is already rather famous for not planning things (or turning up on time). We had asked him about his Xmas plans, to which we got a shoulder shrug. DH and I alternate our parents for the 25th and 26th every year. Its no different now we have our DS. My brother alternates with me and our parents.

As DH brother hasn't decided, we told him our plans in a message. He then pings back straight away and says that they are going to his fiancé's family on Xmas day and they were (and I quote) "just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day".

He already knows we have DS at 6 months old at Xmas, and both sets of grandparents are coming to us (as so to try and help DS routine for naps), and I'm cooking a roast on both days.

AIBU to not want them to come too? I feel slight relief in that we know ahead of time that they are 'just going to turn up' but I'm already trying to share DS with both sets of parents. I already feel its going to be a lot for DH and myself to host both days with a small baby. I also dont want DH brothers dog to come with them (small dog but we dont have pets and we wont let friends bring their dogs either as we have just recently rennovated the entire house).

Just for clarification, we are seeing my brother and wife and kids another day between Xmas and New year.

And having both sets of parents over on the same day is out of the question as sll 4 dont geybone and one set are divorced but put up with each other for a day. Again, 4 people over in one day (all day) is rather a lot for us let alone DS!

**all 4 dont get on

Well if you don't like BIL and the fiance then that's one thing and you could say no.

But if you don't mind them coming in principle but are worried about logistics then be prepared. Say yes great, come from eg 12 til i4. Do not bring the dog - hopefully they will have to leave early to get back to the dog!

Ask them to bring the pudding/drinks/ whatever would be helpful to you.

If you are set to host twice in two days with a full roast then you are going to have to be very organised whether BIL is there or not. Are you sure you want to do this?

Just tell him no, it doesn't work for you. If you want a visit, say 'I can only manage if you come between 12-2 and absolutely no dog. Ask him to bring pudding for 6 and some booze. If he can't cope with that see you will see him at some point in the future if he gets in touch.

I don't see the issue with them coming and 'sharing DS' but just say "we'll be eating at X so avoid that X-Y if you don't want dinner".

I wouldn't do a roast dinner on Boxing Day. Everyone has just eaten one the day before. Boxing Day is for the relaxed buffet - no cooking should be done! You provide cold meats and a couple of sides, in laws bring cheese board. Give DH brother the job of pudding then it's not a disaster if he's late. Tell him no dog and give him a time slot that works for you.

Just message him. “Hi X, sorry Boxing day doesn’t work for us as we’re already maxed out on guests that day. What about the 27th?”

For me this type of less formal visiting is what Boxing day is for, more relaxed than Christmas Day. So YABU to refuse them a visit.

I think you're out of your mind for planning to cook a roast dinner two days running when you have a young baby. This is your actual issue, you're heaping too much stress on yourself. Just get some M&S ready made stuff in for one of the days (or both!) and put your feet up.

I completely get why you might not want a dog visiting but I'm intrigued as to how that's connected to having had the house recently renovated. Is it like to chew through doorframes while it's there?

Not what you asked but why are you cooking two roast dinners? Surely the second day is leftovers + fancy ham + loads of nice things like cheese and crackers and pickles and puddings.

At least you know BIL’s rude plans now. Tell him no dog, and what to bring. If they show up with the dog, or empty handed, turn them away.

What do you mean about "sharing DS"? And I'm pretty sure the dog can't be that badly behaved. Ask them to keep it on a leash if you are that bothered. I think you just don't want to see your brother, which is fair enough I guess, if you don't like him or his fiance.

"just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day"
'it's kind of you to offer to visit but that doesnt work for us, also we no longer allow dogs in the house

2 roast dinners is mad & probably way too much for everyone. Make Boxing Day a buffet & tell BIL what to bring. There's no point making it any more stressful than necessary

"just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day"

Who says/does this? Time for Mr Lazy to host his own Christmas lunch for family!

People who are joking

why aren't you communicating here?

just message back saying "lol nice joke, we already have more than enough on our hands so won't be open for more guests. what are your real plans - hope you have a fun day!"
just deflect, dont give in, and don't just accept it silently.

So you were expecting to see him over Christmas since you were so eager for him to confirm his plans? He's not crashing your Christmas dinner, he's popping in on boxing day like most families do. If it doesn't suit you, tell him, I personally think it's very churlish.

DH parents both live alone, and BIL is not bothering to see them Xmas day, so boxing day IS their Xmas day, and the 1st one with a grandchild. They are the type that wont cook if its only them on their own at their own houses. It will be more strained as they don't really get on. Adding BIL, pattner and dog into the mix makes it so much harder.

Xmas day with my parents is never an issue with cooking (or washing up for that matter), as my parents will help out no matter what.

You're having 2 people over on boxing and with bil and his fiance it makes 4. That's hardly feeding the 5000 is it. It's not much more work to peel a couple of extra potatoes and carrots and set 2 extra places at the table. The fact you are being so dramatic about it suggests your real problem is you just don't like your bil. Which is fine, nobody says you have to, but at least be honest about it.

Be out when they ring.

Simples. Even if it means hiding under the covers. Car in locked garage or parked a few streets away.

Do it.

Plus they’re bringing a free dog to roast.

Dh can go to the door and tell him it ain't convenient he turned up..

We told him our plans, as we try to encourage him every year to alternate Xmas day and boxing day with the parents, just like I do with my brother and my parents. He likes to not bother informing family or not bother making plans, then just do what he wants. I think he uses me and my husband as a buffer around his parents who are awkward around each other.

He likes to not bother informing family or not bother making plans, then just do what he wants...with those he thinks are a soft touch

Problem with the dog is they turned up out of the blue and had the dog with them like a month ago. DH didn't say something, they held rat (sorry dog) the whole time they were indoors.

DH is also worried that apart from the unannounced visits, he won't really ever see his brother, as hes always 'busy'. They do get on well, but BIL is useless at being social with anyone other than high maintenance gf. And if we say no to the dog, he will never see his brother unless we goes to his house.

But that sounds a bit like you expect him to make plans that suit what suits you: your family alternates and you want your DH’s brother to adapt his life to your pattern. It’s a bit controlling and perhaps he’s reacting to that by winding you up with his more scattergun approach.