A Gatecrashing Brother in law and fiance at xmas

[Shutthefrontdoor99]

AIBU about DH brother and partner? It's our DS first Christmas. We have got my parents on Christmas day and his parents on boxing day. DH brother is already rather famous for not planning things (or turning up on time). We had asked him about his Xmas plans, to which we got a shoulder shrug. DH and I alternate our parents for the 25th and 26th every year. Its no different now we have our DS. My brother alternates with me and our parents.

As DH brother hasn't decided, we told him our plans in a message. He then pings back straight away and says that they are going to his fiancé's family on Xmas day and they were (and I quote) "just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day".

He already knows we have DS at 6 months old at Xmas, and both sets of grandparents are coming to us (as so to try and help DS routine for naps), and I'm cooking a roast on both days.

AIBU to not want them to come too? I feel slight relief in that we know ahead of time that they are 'just going to turn up' but I'm already trying to share DS with both sets of parents. I already feel its going to be a lot for DH and myself to host both days with a small baby. I also dont want DH brothers dog to come with them (small dog but we dont have pets and we wont let friends bring their dogs either as we have just recently rennovated the entire house).

Just for clarification, we are seeing my brother and wife and kids another day between Xmas and New year.

And having both sets of parents over on the same day is out of the question as sll 4 dont geybone and one set are divorced but put up with each other for a day. Again, 4 people over in one day (all day) is rather a lot for us let alone DS!

Oh grow a spine!

Be blunt. They are not to bring the dog. If that means they don't come either, it really doesn't sound like that will be any hardship.

@Mangledrake BIL doesn't usually see his parents at xmas time normally, let alone spend either 25th or 26th of Dec with them. Just DH. Its only since I've come on the scene and we invited their parents to us, that he sometimes tags along (it seems as if DH and i make BIL look bad. He normally spends xmas day with friends. All other years have been fine, as we didn't have DS and they didn't have to dog. This year is the first year with both, so the first year to set rules down. MIL isn't exactly a dog person, and she sometimes jumps out of her skin when it barks. BIL sees MIL around 3 or 4 times a year, same as FIL. (Or he has done, since 6 years ago when I met DH).

I would write back
”Just to confirm then…
We are catering only for us and both sets of grandparents. Due to baby’s increased mobility, should you drop by, please leave rat (dog) at home. Thanks for letting us know so we can budget and plan ahead.

@Shutthefrontdoor99 “

Well, it all sounds joyless and a bit precious. And the poor little dog…

People are allowed to change. Perhaps he didn't see his parents at Xmas in the past and wants to now. And also maybe his brother and sister in law and his niece/nephew? It's so obvious you don't want him there as anyone can accommodate an extra 2 people on Boxing Day at more than a month's notice. It's only 6 adults in total.

Just tell him you don't want him to come. I actually think it's quite sad.

Just say 'Richard, I don't like you' because that's what it comes down to.

You don't like him.

This year is the first year with both, so the first year to set rules down.

Well, if that is how you view an invitation to your home…

Wouldn’t it just be nicer to unclench, and be glad of family. Two roasts and a load of rules just doesn’t sound like fun.

I’m a dog person and I wouldn’t want that dog in my house especially with a young child. That is not a good mix. When you have a dog and an untrained one to boot you need to accept people (even family) aren’t going to want them in their house.

The poor little dog? It doesn’t know it’s Christmas!

It's your PIL I feel most sorry for.
They will each be at home, alone, on Christmas Day.
Their DIL is hosting them Boxing Day.
Their second DS can hardly be bothered with them, but has suggested meeting up on Boxing Day which DIL is against.

How sad for them both.

OP, your BIL sounds a pain. But for the sake of your PIL, can you try to work out something suitable? At the very least, get BIL to commit to a time and then work around that. And def say 'no dogs allowed'.

Make things as easy as possible for yourself.

don’t cook another roast - that’s waste of time, money and fuel when you cooked a turkey the day before. Just do more roasties, veg, pigs in blankets etc and serve the leftover turkey, gravy and stuffing with them.

tell them no dog in house. No debates. (I’m a dog owner and would never take my two anywhere they were not expressly invited)

give BIL a formal invite, eg Boxing Day for dinner - we’ll be eating about X and baby goes to bed around Y.

Sorry for the long message....

I don't think some people on here have read all replies by me or others. Thank (some of) you for your helpful replies. After posting my first message and frustrations, I have worked out that the issue I have is the dog, and that it isn't fully house trained, is a young dog (below 12 months is a puppy???) and could bite a 6 month old child (thinking its another puppy playmate?), destroys furniture in its own house, and would be more of a problem than anything else mentioned from the original post. I think I was trying to think of other excuses for them not to come, because of the dog (I.e. they weren't exactly invited) as a way to not upset them that their dog being in our house is the issue.

2 roasts doesn't alway mean 2 meats (cook one and 2 lots/days of freshly cooked veg), I have worked out that's not my issue. I think my anxiety levels went through the roof when I first got told this, and I came on here blurting out the situation, frantically looking for support and advice to soothe not only myself but to quickly defuse the notifying them of dog rule so they have time to change their plans.

Bil is a pain, and so are the in laws sometimes! I accept them and have always welcomed them. DH has always tried to see them on either 25th or 26th but it wasnt always fulfilled. I have not welcomed the dog before as its not even 12 months old yet. They have only brought the dog here once and we went straight out for a walk with bubba and dog then they went home. (I think that was our first way of trying to avoid the you cant bring the dog in issue, when bubba was a lot smaller). Dog will not be welcome at xmas. We like dogs, but do not own one and do not want one that clearly is not house trained, to pss and sht everywhere with 6 month old DS crawling around and DS putting everything he finds in his mouth. Mil dislikes her sons dog and other dogs for that matter and will not allow the dog in her house, and fil owns a cat and is more of a cat person.

Forgot to add, fil lives hours away, and we will already be hosting him overnight here on boxing day night. This is fine, and has happened several times since DS was born. He's never an problem when hes here.

Spoke to DH about it again yesterday and DH agrees with me (is on my side about the dog), but is worried bil will not come, and hes desperate to tell bil nicely, to keep some sort of relationship with his brother. They have a large age gap and weren't close as kids, but have been close since I've been around (encouraging them to hang out or come over or go to theirs). DH is worried that this dog situation might stop the status quo of their brotherly relationship, or take it back to barely anything.

We have already established that they have stated they are bringing the dog. We are going to ask them if they are staying at her parents over Xmas day night. If the answer is yes, that means they've taken the dog with them overnight.

That will mean we are going down the "ok great! Lunch is at (12?) until (2pm?) So see you at 12!"

If the answer is no, or if they ask why they arent staying longer...

"Unfortunately, due to DS being so young and rolling/crawling around, im afraid it might be best the dog is left at home, or if you bring it, it is welcome to explore our garden while we eat!"

Sorry I don’t understand why you’re so annoyed your husband’s brother wants to come and see his sibling and parents are your house on Boxing Day. Isn’t that what Christmas is for? By all means tell him to bring pudding and a crate for the dog.

God you're unwelcoming even with that update - a 2 hour time limit on a family lunch... they'd be better at a Toby Carvery.

Woman up, tell them the dog can't come (because if you don't specify that and they turn up with dog, all hell will break loose) and stop being so controlling about how long they stay for/where they are/who they see and when over Christmas 🙄

Unfortunately, due to DS being so young and rolling/crawling around, im afraid it might be best the dog is left at home, or if you bring it, it is welcome to explore our garden while we eat!"
They will bring the dog if you send something this muddled and hedging, and then cajole to get it from the garden into the house.

“Lunch is at 12, looking forward to seeing you! We are a dog-free house so you’ll need to make dog-sitting arrangements for dog to be elsewhere.”

You can’t put a time slot on lunch ending, it’s not a municipal swimming pool!

Just invite them, but be clear that they can't bring the dog.

Oh for goodness sake, stop pussy-footing around the main issue and just tell BIL straight. If your DH wants to put it nicely, how about:

"We're looking forward to seeing you both on Boxing Day for our annual celebration. Unfortunately you can't bring your dog this year as [baby] is now crawling and is into everything."

And less nicely, they don't get to decide whether they are bringing the dog into your home or not, that is your decision. People who think they can bring their pets into other people's houses without an express invitation to do so sometimes need a fairly blunt approach which does not leave the matter open to any doubt.

Sorry Op but I agree this is destined to backfire unless you/DH are completely clear that the dog cannot come. They sound entitled enough to do what they want anyway, so you need to make the no-dog rule unmistakable.

They need to train their dog and then accept that it won’t be welcome everywhere they want to take it.

With that message, you’re basically saying ‘Bring the dog if you want’ then they’ll bring it and if it’s bad weather, will you really shove it in the garden;? Just woman up and tell them they can’t bring the dog, no ifs, no buts.

DH parents both live alone, and BIL is not bothering to see them Xmas day

Exactly like his brother then, who is also spending the day with his partner’s parents.

Why on Earth are a divorced couple with adult children spending Cmas together if they don’t even get on? How very, very odd.

I think crating the dog would be the solution most likely to be accepted. Presumably they might be there while DS is napping so dog can be supervised in the house for a short while.

@NancyJoan they have been separated for around 15 to 20 years but never divorced. I know its odd. But that's families for you!

I think entertaining annoying in laws is something you need to suck up for family cohesion,
I'm sure that the OP's husband feels the same, having to entertain his in-laws. People on here always forget that there are two sets of in-laws involved in most families!

hope it’s been resolved @Shutthefrontdoor99

6 month old will be clueless this is not about that ! You don’t want them there. Just say you have a houseful already. Although it’s actually your dh brother so what does he think