A Gatecrashing Brother in law and fiance at xmas

[Shutthefrontdoor99]

AIBU about DH brother and partner? It's our DS first Christmas. We have got my parents on Christmas day and his parents on boxing day. DH brother is already rather famous for not planning things (or turning up on time). We had asked him about his Xmas plans, to which we got a shoulder shrug. DH and I alternate our parents for the 25th and 26th every year. Its no different now we have our DS. My brother alternates with me and our parents.

As DH brother hasn't decided, we told him our plans in a message. He then pings back straight away and says that they are going to his fiancé's family on Xmas day and they were (and I quote) "just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day".

He already knows we have DS at 6 months old at Xmas, and both sets of grandparents are coming to us (as so to try and help DS routine for naps), and I'm cooking a roast on both days.

AIBU to not want them to come too? I feel slight relief in that we know ahead of time that they are 'just going to turn up' but I'm already trying to share DS with both sets of parents. I already feel its going to be a lot for DH and myself to host both days with a small baby. I also dont want DH brothers dog to come with them (small dog but we dont have pets and we wont let friends bring their dogs either as we have just recently rennovated the entire house).

Just for clarification, we are seeing my brother and wife and kids another day between Xmas and New year.

And having both sets of parents over on the same day is out of the question as sll 4 dont geybone and one set are divorced but put up with each other for a day. Again, 4 people over in one day (all day) is rather a lot for us let alone DS!

I think entertaining annoying in laws is something you need to suck up for family cohesion, unless the relationship is damaging and you need to go nc. The thing is making it as tolerable as possible.

I genuinely think it will be easier for you to have them at the same time as the parents. I think the roast is madness, but do appreciate why you are doing it. This is a good chance for a reset though and setting up the pattern of roast on Christmas day, cold meats, nice breads, cheeses, pickles and chutneys, maybe a few hot buffet items on Boxing Day. Your son will grow, you might even have another, or others. You need time over Christmas day/ boxing day to enjoy your children.

The dog cannot come, that is entirely reasonable. If they do not respect that, then they cannot come.

He sounds a bit flaky but Christmas is Christmas and I would never turn a family member away - I think you'll end up regretting it.

I would tell him it's fine to come, but stress that it's going to be a bit full on this year in the circumstances (and to not bring their dog) and hopefully he'll get the hint and help out more.

if we say no to the dog, he will never see his brother unless we go to his house
So what's not to like? Sounds like a win-win to me 😁

I don't understand this as I come from an all-or-nothing family at Christmas (ie. you get all of them or none of them) and have via my DBro been adopted into another. My SIL's parents always invite my sister and I for Boxing Day too as they gather their clan.

Surely your BIL wants to see his parents on boxing day. Hence crashing yours. Won't it be nice (and get it out of the way to see them all in one day?).

Downsize the food expectations and it should be easier to manage.

You are making it harder than it is.
if you want to weld yourself to a strict rotation involving all 4 parents and your brother then you do that. You can’t make your bil or his fiancée slip into that rotation. If neither of bil’s parents want to invite him for Xmas day or have a conversation with him about seeing him in any capacity then that is up to them.
You don’t have to cook 2 roast dinners but if you want to then cooking for 6 rather than 4 isn’t much more work. It is more expense but that could be countered by asking bil to bring a pudding or drinks or a ham or something. If you don’t want to feed him then tell him. If you don’t want to see him at all then tell him. It’s up to you who you invite but your own dh isn’t seeing his parents on Xmas day either so you can’t really criticise bil for the same. It’s either important that they see each other on Boxing Day or it isn’t and if it is you can’t just invite pils and not bil and then handwring that pils aren’t seeing bil.
Just decide what you want and tell him
“sorry, we can’t do 25th or 26th, how about we come to you on x?”
”26th is fine except we have you parents already so come after dinner at about 6. Don’t bring the dog”
”26th is fine. Do you want to come for dinner or after? For? Be there by one and bring….Don’t bring the dog”

Text him - “That’s fine - bring a plate of food and leave dog at home xx”

I actually think it’s ridiculous that your parents are alone on Christmas Day. They should come on Christmas Day and you then do a buffet on Boxing Day for anyone that wants to turn up. As for “sharing” DS, the more people to help, the better.

Surely his parents don't want to do Christmas two days in a row - sounds exhausting.

So they're having Christmas at your place on the 26th. Don't you think they'd like to see their son? If they don't even like each other, having him there must help?

Agree with others - you've indirectly invited him. He's accepted. It would be very cold to now say, no room, no food, come later - this is his family's gathering.

I'd bear in mind that with parents who don't get on, he's probably found Christmas pretty stressful over the years.

Perfectly reasonable to ask him to leave the dog at home though.

Absolutely say no to the dog.(and in your no make it clear that if they bring it, it won’t be allowed inside) And if that means they never come to your house again, you have to explain to your dh that it is their choice, but no dogs inside is your house rule and a perfectly reasonable one.

Am I reading this right? On the day DHs parents are visiting, DHs brother is also visiting? Surely that's better than him turning up on the 25th when your parents are there?
Get DH to cook some extra potatoes and veg - he's doing the catering for his family Christmas, yes?. Ask BiL to bring pudding (so if it doesn't happen it's not a disaster).
Your baby will be fine.
It will all be fine.

Some people on this site are truly bonkers.

I think it sounds you're being overly precious, also doesn't your husband get a say if it's his brother?

Like other people have suggested get some extra ready made Cook or M&S food and just have a nice time!

I wouldn't do a roast both days. Who wants that?

do a buffet on boxing day. Then two more wouldn't be a huge issue

The more the merrier

Gosh OP

It's your husbands brother. Be nice. It's what you do at christmas. Be a gracious host then invite yourself over to his house for new years day

You're making a big fuss about nothing.

Just do cold meat, cheese, fresh bread, maybe warm up some left over roasties.

Put on table, everyone help themselves. tell the in-laws your plans so they can have their turkey roast on xmas day. No big deal. I bet they're looking forward to both sons being there

@Lozzybear OP’s parents aren’t on their own on Christmas Day it is the in-laws who will be on their own (separately). The in-laws also don’t appear to do Christmas Day if they are on their own so Boxing Day will be their Christmas.

Sounds more like BIL is a free loader as he doesn’t seem to host but drops in when someone else is hosting

@swirlypinky how many people have a full on turkey roast when it is only them in the house (in-laws don’t live together)

@toomuchlaundry that’s what I meant, the PIL. There should be one Christmas lunch and then a Boxing Day buffet. BIL sounds like a twat but would make things much easier if it was Boxing Day buffet.

Yes he is most likely to bring the dog even if we say no dog. I understand its a part/member of their family, but if its not trustworthy not to bite (as its young), is well known to gnaw furniture (even in its own home), and isn't quite house trained and yaps, it is a problem.

I do appreciate everyone's responses, and from what you have all responded, yes it seems my main problem is actually the uninvited dog. I don't think they would let their 'baby' stay in the garden, and I wouldn't trust it to not be out in a separate room and not destroy our furniture or door frames.

I understand that a house doesn't stay perfect after a renovation, especially when you have kids, but we are a non pet family, so I think that's my issue with that. Having BIL as a buffer for family is a good idea. Juat worried about the dog.

WOW, you're a nasty piece of work aren't you...

Nobody has to allow a dog into their home if they don't want it there @Shutthefrontdoor99. It doesn't matter whether the visitors consider it a part of their family or not, you still get to decide. As long as you're happy with the possible consequence that they may not come at all – and it sounds like you are – then stick to your guns.

If friends or family turned up at my door with a dog which hadn't been invited, there wouldn't be any negotiation they just wouldn't be allowed to bring it in, it would have to stay in the car or the garden.

It's not hard to say "your dog is not coming in", OP. That's all that's required. It can stay in the car or the garden.

@toomuchlaundry I think you and I seem to be on the same page. The in laws are definitely not ones to cook a roast for Xmas on their own (separately). Hence that's why we're doing the two roasts. I do understand that my main problem is the dog. I'm not the only one that calls it rat......the bil does too. The gf calls it baby.

Definitely put your foot down. If it were my family I'd be direct. Something like "LOL, I don't think so! Our house is full already! If you turned up you'd be lucky to get a mince pie and sent back to your car! We've DS now so what with 4 extras and a baby think I'd have nervous breakdown with any more. Sorry DB it is as a suggestion you go to in laws, not come here. Sorry for confusion x"

You need to be really direct OP. Assuing your DH is on the same page as you, send message to his brother saying "Please don't just turn up on boxing day. We need to plan ahead quite carefully,ad we already have a full house. Good to see you another day over the holiday instead". Don't leave any possible loopholes. You will be miserable if he turns up and spoils your plans, especially with the dog.
Follow the message up with a phone call to make sure he has received and understood it. If he starts to try and change your mind, say you absolutely cannot have the dog at yours and it will spoil Christmas for everyone, and you do not have the room on that particular day to host any more people. Good luck.

You can invite them or tell them they are expressly not invited.

However - you need to stop trying to micro manage how other adults spend Christmas. What day he sees his parents is none of your business.