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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Gatecrashing Brother in law and fiance at xmas

129 replies

Shutthefrontdoor99 · 19/11/2022 20:55

AIBU about DH brother and partner? It's our DS first Christmas. We have got my parents on Christmas day and his parents on boxing day. DH brother is already rather famous for not planning things (or turning up on time). We had asked him about his Xmas plans, to which we got a shoulder shrug. DH and I alternate our parents for the 25th and 26th every year. Its no different now we have our DS. My brother alternates with me and our parents.

As DH brother hasn't decided, we told him our plans in a message. He then pings back straight away and says that they are going to his fiancé's family on Xmas day and they were (and I quote) "just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day".

He already knows we have DS at 6 months old at Xmas, and both sets of grandparents are coming to us (as so to try and help DS routine for naps), and I'm cooking a roast on both days.

AIBU to not want them to come too? I feel slight relief in that we know ahead of time that they are 'just going to turn up' but I'm already trying to share DS with both sets of parents. I already feel its going to be a lot for DH and myself to host both days with a small baby. I also dont want DH brothers dog to come with them (small dog but we dont have pets and we wont let friends bring their dogs either as we have just recently rennovated the entire house).

Just for clarification, we are seeing my brother and wife and kids another day between Xmas and New year.

And having both sets of parents over on the same day is out of the question as sll 4 dont geybone and one set are divorced but put up with each other for a day. Again, 4 people over in one day (all day) is rather a lot for us let alone DS!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shutthefrontdoor99 · 19/11/2022 22:05

The young dog has ruined their furniture and door frames already (chewing and ripping material off the sofa) and yaps loudly, upsetting our DS when the dog and baby have been in the same room. DS is able to sit up, and I don't plan on holding baby or stopping baby from sitting and playing on the floor all day. But I dont want the dog and baby on the floor together. Dog is not trustworthy to not bite or bark and upset baby. Dog is also not trustworthy to be left alone in a different room. They won't leave their dog behind due to it destroying their furniture. They also won't leave dog in our garden - it's the gf's handbag 'baby' dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shutthefrontdoor99 · 19/11/2022 22:12

DH has spent 15 years (along with his parents trying to encourage BIL) trying to alternate Xmas day and boxing day with the parents with him. So it was already set in place. Dh was thrilled that my family already do it, hoping BIL would have more encouragement.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 19/11/2022 22:24

Shutthefrontdoor99 · 19/11/2022 22:12

DH has spent 15 years (along with his parents trying to encourage BIL) trying to alternate Xmas day and boxing day with the parents with him. So it was already set in place. Dh was thrilled that my family already do it, hoping BIL would have more encouragement.

What you and your dh do is up to you but stop trying to force your choices on BIL. I suspect he's winding you up because he dislikes you as much as you dislike him.

stuntbubbles · 19/11/2022 22:27

Shutthefrontdoor99 · 19/11/2022 22:12

DH has spent 15 years (along with his parents trying to encourage BIL) trying to alternate Xmas day and boxing day with the parents with him. So it was already set in place. Dh was thrilled that my family already do it, hoping BIL would have more encouragement.

Oh so you’re both controlling? How nice you found each other. But this confirms my suspicion BIL is on the wind-up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/11/2022 22:31

No to the dog. No to turning up unless invited if you’re not doing an open house. But it is only November so you’re not actually being gate crashed. It sounds like DH wants his brother there if he won’t otherwise get to see him so reiterate no dog and just include them if that’s a compromise you can get on board with and be clear about timings.

Byelaws · 19/11/2022 22:35

Don’t cook two dinners.

Your plans are silly, stressful and slightly precious. Prioritise family not food.

Flamingogirl08 · 19/11/2022 22:37

I suppose it is your house so in that sense do what you want and yanbu. However it's Christmas and it's your husbands brother. You only have 2 other people there, I cant really see the big issue. If it was me I would just say great see you then and enjoy a nice Christmas with your family and baby.

deeperthanallroses · 19/11/2022 22:41

The number of people is really quite small- I would message and say great, fyi there are no dogs allowed inside with Baby brian getting into everywhere now, could you please bring a pudding and something you want to drink? Look forward to seeing you!
(In case they are too late for mains… I’d insist on asking them to being something but not have it a necessary part of the meal as he sounds rather useless. But that’s no reason for him to get away with it.)

SpacePotato · 19/11/2022 22:50

Just text back telling him he can pop round but will need to leave before dinner and not to bring the dog to your home.

They can make their own dinner the cheeky fuckers.

UsingChangeofName · 19/11/2022 22:52

I personally wouldn't do another roast on Boxing day, but, if you are anyway, then I honestly can't see that it is much of a difference doing it for 6 rather than doing it for 4.
Much less work than arranging yet another day of entertaining.

I would just reply "Let us know before X date if you mean to eat with us. We'll be eating at 1pm, so feel free to arrive from about 12.30. However, whereas you and gf are very welcome, remember you won't be able to bring the rat dog."

sleepwhenyouaredead · 20/11/2022 06:51

Big fuss over not very much. BIL clearly joking as he knows it pulls your strings. Just tell him to bring some stuff and get on with it.

RobinRobinMouse · 20/11/2022 06:57

I think in a way it is nice that your brother wants to be part of things and is making the effort, ds will probably love it or sleep at that age so I wouldn't worry about that. Roasts are pretty simple once you've got everything in the oven, though I'm not sure why you are choosing to do it twice in a row. You won't be busy just because he pops round for a bit, the Christmas day twice in a row is what will make it busy. I would tell him the dog cannot come in though as that sounds like a disaster with presents and lots of people etc around.

MRex · 20/11/2022 07:05

If family ask your Christmas plans, that means "when do we get to see you?", to most. Your version means "because we're nosy but don't want to see you", which is just a bit odd. Say no dog except in the garden, and give him an arrival time.

Two roasts is a bit silly. Have both sets of parents come for 2 days with a nice buffet on one of them. Keeping groups tiny with two people who are divorced is where you're going wrong, keeping a buffer of extra humans is easier for everyone.

amylou8 · 20/11/2022 07:08

I can't see what the fuss is about tbh. I'd not have the dog either (my cats would probably eat it). Just say no dog, peel a few extra spuds and let them play pass the parcel with DS for the day.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2022 07:40

It sounds like you need to be very blunt with him. I know that can be really awkward but it doesn't sound like the polite approach where you assume he is also going to respond appropriately is going to work. Tell him what time food will be served and that the dog won't be allowed in the house, don't assume anything, spell it out.

mum11970 · 20/11/2022 07:40

I think you’ve brought this on yourself by asking BIL his plans. Why did you need to know unless you were inviting him round? He probably read that as you inviting him to come when his parents are at yours. If you don’t want the dog there just message and tell him to leave it at home or message and say it’s not convenient for him and his fiancé to come this year if you don’t want them at all.
Having a 6 month old doesn’t make things any more difficult, as long as you haven’t got a dh who sits on his butt and expects you to do it all. If you insist on making two roasts prep extra veg, etc when you do them for Christmas Day and leave them in the fridge ready to just pop in the oven but, personally, I’d just do a buffet on Boxing Day. If that’s important to either sets of parents to have a roast at Christmas whoever is coming on Boxing Day can suck it up and make their own at home the day before or buy a ready made Christmas dinner. It’s amazing how things turn out not to be quite as important as people make out when they have to make some effort themselves.

sunnydayhereandnow · 20/11/2022 07:47

Sorry, but YABU. Totally reasonable to say no to the dog, but YABU to uninvite BIL from the meal with his parents, when he's given you over a month's notice--he's hardly not planning in advance! TBH his nonchalant text sounds to me like a response to your somewhat uptight attitude in organising. He responded straight away - he wants to come.

6 adults for lunch is not a major crowd. It's a bit precious to use a 6 month old as an excuse, especially because extra adults usually make it easier with a baby since BIL can occupy the in-laws while you and DH tend to the baby. And at this stage, your baby couldn't care less whether it's Tuesday or Christmas, but for the rest of the years of his childhood, the baby will benefit hugely from keeping close ties and good relationships with your family. By hosting a family get-together, you are investing in the baby's future.

Yes, it might make your life easier if you could alternate with BIL but that's clearly not how it's working and I don't think it's unreasonable for him to prefer to have a meal with a wider family circle. And the unwritten rules of the game say that once you're "settled" with kids, you get to pull more of the weight in the family. Just think, once BIL has kids and you perhaps have more, you're going to have total chaos for those shared meals, but they are going to be the highlight of everyone's memories.

Find a way to make this work for you. People care more about being together than about the exact menu served. It's totally reasonable to ask your guests to contribute to the meal. I like things that you can marinate overnight then just sling in the oven before guests come.

Enjoy! I think once you get there you're going to have a great day.

ferneytorro · 20/11/2022 07:47

Stop trying to manage him and make him behave like a decent person - not your job. If he doesn't visit and upsets parents then not your issue or job to fix. You can't make other people behave like you think they should (even if that is just behaving decently in your mind). He isn't you/your husband.

TidyDancer · 20/11/2022 07:48

I really can't see an issue with this. Fair enough to say they can't bring the dog (I would love it but not everyone would I concede) but the visit would seem perfectly timed. Having two more people to dilute what might be a difficult dynamic is surely ideal and you've got a small gathering and only adding two more so not too challenging.

Of course if you just don't like BIL then it's okay to say this but I don't think this needs to be a huge drama.

RampantIvy · 20/11/2022 07:54

You could invite them for Boxing Day tea, and make it very clear that they can't bring the dog.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/11/2022 08:01

Just say that you cannot now cater for them on Boxing Day because you already have enough food to prepare, but they can come at X time and because the rat can not come in the house it sounds like a walk will be the best option. With divorced parents enduring each other probably good to get out anyway. If it is raining you will rearrange for a different day. Then you can pack dh off with the baby (who will hopefully sleep, pram and his family while you relax with a Baileys tidy up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2022 08:02

I think Boxing Day tea is a good idea and no dog. If they don’t like it, tough. If that means you don’t get to see you bil, it doesn’t sound like a catastrophe. Your dh can visit his brother alone and when your ds is older and the dog is calmer, he can be introduced to the dog. Just another 7 years or so.

cabansunset · 20/11/2022 08:11

Your dislike for BIL, his fiancé and their dog is evident.

You say he isn't bothering to see his parents on Christmas Day, but neither are you? Boxing Day is his chance to see family as he's seeing fiancé's family on Christmas Day.

You should be saying 'it'll be lovely to see you, please come at 1, planning to eat at 2, and no dog thanks'

Also...why on earth another roast on Boxing Day? Take the pressure off yourself with cold platters and cheese board.

You seem to be looking for reasons to be annoyed, because you just don't like them.

Beautiful3 · 20/11/2022 08:12

I don't see a problem with it. Apart from cooking 2 Xmas dinners in a row! I think you're crazy to do this. I'd alternate Xmas with each set of parents, each year. Boxing day, I would do a buffet to make things easier. I'd tell bil not to bring the dog because the baby's going to be on the floor alot. This may mean they cannot com, so be prepared for a cancellation.

MrsToothyBitch · 20/11/2022 08:33

I see why you do it this way - and why you do Christmas dinner again, and why BiL is a bit of an irritating loose cannon when you're trying to plan things but I think you're over thinking him here. They're coming to spend "Christmas Day" with you so treat them on the same guest level as you have his parents and be glad of the extra people buffer between your ILs if they actually appear.

Just text back and say lovely, see you at x o'clock, lunch will be at y o'clock, bring a bottle and please could you bring a pudding (in addition to one you already have, obvs) but please do not bring the dog because the baby is old enough to be into everything now.

The only issue I can see in general is the dog- and be prepared for them to drop out if they can't bring it- but your BiL sounds a bit dickish. I personally hate guests who take timings as a suggestion not a hint, especially if a hot sit down meal is involved. Are they likely to say no but then decide to turn up anyway, even with the dog?