A Gatecrashing Brother in law and fiance at xmas

[Shutthefrontdoor99]

AIBU about DH brother and partner? It's our DS first Christmas. We have got my parents on Christmas day and his parents on boxing day. DH brother is already rather famous for not planning things (or turning up on time). We had asked him about his Xmas plans, to which we got a shoulder shrug. DH and I alternate our parents for the 25th and 26th every year. Its no different now we have our DS. My brother alternates with me and our parents.

As DH brother hasn't decided, we told him our plans in a message. He then pings back straight away and says that they are going to his fiancé's family on Xmas day and they were (and I quote) "just going to turn up on your doorstep on boxing day".

He already knows we have DS at 6 months old at Xmas, and both sets of grandparents are coming to us (as so to try and help DS routine for naps), and I'm cooking a roast on both days.

AIBU to not want them to come too? I feel slight relief in that we know ahead of time that they are 'just going to turn up' but I'm already trying to share DS with both sets of parents. I already feel its going to be a lot for DH and myself to host both days with a small baby. I also dont want DH brothers dog to come with them (small dog but we dont have pets and we wont let friends bring their dogs either as we have just recently rennovated the entire house).

Just for clarification, we are seeing my brother and wife and kids another day between Xmas and New year.

And having both sets of parents over on the same day is out of the question as sll 4 dont geybone and one set are divorced but put up with each other for a day. Again, 4 people over in one day (all day) is rather a lot for us let alone DS!

This seems so stressful for your first Christmas. Or any of them; really. You’ve got a six month old. Surely you don’t want to spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day endlessly cooking roasts and passing him around? What will you do next year when he’s 18 months? I think I’d have used the baby as a reset, and either got all of the adults to a place where they could get along and you could all do Christmas together, or started alternating every third year so you spend one with each parent and one by yourselves, or just started spending it as a small family & seeing parents on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day… I can’t imagine dealing with the overwhelm of lots of people and two consecutive Christmas Days will be fun for anyone.

YANBU about wanting to see him, but tell him that and stop pussy footing about. Also NBU about the dog.

YABU with DH about controlling this alternate thing for your BIL. Its been mentioned, the. Leave it. It’s none of you business.

I'd have thought it was obvious he'd be coming to you in Boxing Day, he's with his fiancée's family on Christmas Day and on Boxing Day his parents are at your house, so in order to see his parents on one of the two main days he needs to come to your house.

I would say you can't manage them at lunchtime but invite them over in the evening for a buffet. That's how it used to work in exDH's family you either went for lunch or at teatime, older relatives tended to stay in one house for the day but others rotated so they saw different family members. I'm sure they can manage to leave the dog at home for a few hours in the evening.

I think if you're having some of the family over anyway it would be unkind to exclude your DH brother. I definitely wouldn't do a roast, and would change the plan now to just be a buffet lunch. I'd probably ask him to bring puddings or cheese. I appreciate it's frustrating not being able to spend time on your own over Christmas with your DS. We did Christmas Eve as our day alone a couple of years ago and had gifts etc like a normal Christmas. A 6 month old won't know that it's one day out!

You say BIL never makes any plans but he's given you a month's notice of his intentions! Not sure how much more planning you wanted him to do…

Personally I think a roast is one of the easier things to accommodate more people, you just buy a slightly bigger joint and bung a few more potatoes and veg on.

However, you are absolutely reasonable to ban the dog. Nobody should bring their pets to someone else's house without an explicit invite to do so. So say it would be lovely to see them but you're sorry the dog is not allowed in the house. If that means they don't come after all, well so be it.

Yes, everyone should just do what you want until they die. Nobody should have a thought or desire of their own.

As if a month is long enough notice for someone to tell you their plans! Especially when Christmas is no time to see family or have an enjoyable time.

Your son will grow up knowing the proper Christmas expectations and visit you according to the set regimen.

You could say or get DH to say - since it's his brother . That's OK as long as you arrive after such and such a time and it's just for nibbles . Without Dog or dog will have to stay outside . See you then !

Sorry if I've missed it but have you actually concretely ask BIL to do what you want him to do?

You said you've asked him his plans and now you don't like the plans he's told you....

But I don't see much direct communication from you to help him. (I also don't understand from your posts what you would actually like him to do, other than wishing he didn't visit at all, maybe?)

Say to notbring their dog. Get a written reply saying that their dog will not be with them when they come round to yours. Double check this the day before. Explain that you won’t be cooking.

Just message back-your DH’s job-to say you’re at capacity for Boxing Day, what other days is he free? All this angst! Obviously they can’t bring an untrained dog into your baby’s environment.

Sounds like they won’t come if you explicitly tell them that they can’t bring the dog. Problem solved. Although if they’ve brought it to your house before, I would say it’s due to your DS spending a lot more time rolling around on the floor rather than renovations.

if we say no to the dog, he will never see his brother unless we go to his house

So what's wrong with telling him the 25th/26th "doesn't work for you" and then visiting them at their place sometime between Christmas and New Year?

Say no to the dog/baby set up, and ask them to leave the dog in the car over lunch. But maybe the others could go for a dog walk while the food is cooking - might be nice for DH and brother to have a chat.

If you can, don’t be precious or too pfb. Everyone wants control etc but people will remember if you are the kind of person that facilitates good family relationships, or if you are the kind of person that gets in the way of them. Be welcoming if you can. And also remember that dogs are precious to owners, especially without children. You don’t need to indulge it but maybe don’t call it a rat.

Everyone saying two roasts is hard work. My family has always had a 2nd roast on boxing day. All prep is done on Christmas eve, turkey cooked on Christmas day along with vegs and trimmings that day. Then new vets and trimmings on boxing day with cold meat and reheated gravy. How is this hard work?

As for brother, tell him he isn't able to bring dog if that's the issue or another day. If he brings dog just don't let them in. Answer the door and say merry christmas then say you did warn them they couldn't bring the dog.

It is hard work plus costly to get the ingredients and costly to cook.

This all sounds very controlling! By texting BIL your plans and asking him his, you’ve indirectly invited him! You don’t have to do 2 roast dinners if you do t want to - stop playing the martyr. Actually, I’ll take that back - just make double quantities for Christmas Day and save half for the next day so it’s a left over Roast day.

It's weeks until Christmas! You have lots of excuses in your OP as to why you don't want him there but you might as well be honest and say you just don't like him. It's not Xmas Day, his own parents and brother will be there and it's not a huge gathering. Why on earth is it such a problem given he's told you more than a month in advance. You can change your plans and cook something else if you don't want to do a roast, and just serve something really simple. Don't make him so unwelcome.

But if she has already agreed to cook, it's probably cheaper and easier than a hot buffet of pre brought nibbles.

I don't think a roast is any more hard work than cooking any other meal tbh. And I too have a young baby so have managed to cook roasts with her.

If you were thinking he was coming anyway as he always has, I don't really see the issue now. It won't make any difference to your baby - I don't understand your reluctance or problem with 'trying to share' your baby with the grandparents? What does that even mean?
If you don't care for the guy and your husband agrees then just tell him no you are not prepared for him to 'just show up'. And you can (or your husband can as it's his brother) that if he shows up with the dog it stays in the car.

I see what you mean. Right to point this out. I would find it hard work. Doing what is best is the solution. I’d be doing left overs with anything that could be used for a buffet.

Can you insist they bring a kennel crate for the dog? Line in the sand, hill to die on, deal breaker. Can YOU borrow a crate?
You do your meal how you want with the guests you choose, but an untrained dog, I absolutely understand all your very real concerns.

I am a bit confused, your DHs parents aren't together but they come for Xmas Dinner together? Why do catch uo with them separately. I cannot see what the bug fuss is, 6 people for dinner is not many really, no more effort than for 4. Seems unkind to exclude his brother.

think you’ve brought this on yourself by asking BIL his plans. Why did you need to know unless you were inviting him round? He probably read that as you inviting him to come when his parents are at yours

Yes I agree with this why would you ask what his plans are if you didn’t actually want him round?

We don’t ask what other family member plans are unless there is an invite for them to spend it with us. So you kind of left yourself open, he wasn’t wrong to assume that you were inviting him over.

Now if he and his fiancée had turned up unannounced on the day without communicating with you at all id understand. But he has wrongly assumed that you were inviting him, giving you notice of his intentions but you haven’t made it clear it wasn’t an invite.

but tbh it doesn’t sound like you like him much so either accept 2 more guests (without the dog) or man up and tell him he’s not welcome.

If you don’t want him to come have DH tell him that

if you do without dog have DH tell him that

stop trying to encourage him to have ILs alternate Christmases - he doesn’t want to, it’s none of your business

For those saying OP and DH are being controlling trying to get BIL to alternate Christmas Day with his parents and to fit in their alternate Christmas, isn’t that because they would be on their own otherwise (as separated) so trying to be considerate of DH’s parents