SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

I've not read all the pages but I agree it's horrible to come into no meal ready when someone is at home.
I'd like to think DH and I share this. I usually cook but he has no qualms if I ask him to cook.
He works longer hours but from home. I work less but outside the house.

I have more time literally, I do more cooking.

Hottubby
The issue is he barely makes any money despite working, 25 hours is probably being a very generous estimate. Kids are older so don’t need as much, other than money which I provide

I knew as soon as I read your post that your husband has a 'hobby job' making peanuts and hiding behind needing to do 'childcare' whilst you're out there working all the hours God sends. He couldn't do his little hobby, if you weren't subsidising it.

If you're self-employed and it's not making any money then you go out there and work, even if its contract work for a time. & theres work he can do within school hours too. 25 hours per week that doesnt bring in an income and when he doesn't need to be at home all day every day, is taking the piss.

Don't put up with it. Your DCs aren't babies he needs to get a job and contribute properly. Then you can split tasks fairly. Also my partner worked all those hours and I was at home yes I would have a meal ready waiting for him. Then again I couldnt watch him work that hard and long whilst I faffed around barely contributing, I'd have to do something.

Sounds like he has a hobby job and you don't have equal leisure time so not surprised you feel so resentful.

Not a SAHM, its a shame that is your response.

but you do you

100% this.
Unless he's saying that you should not be able to work less and expects you to work 80hrs.

People who are workaholics or on the burnout pathway often get angry that others aren't the same.

Working 6/7 days 80hrs is crazy

I did far more than that for my - young - children when working 25 hours a week and somehow managed to bring in a salary without losing any money!

Nothing excuses the dhs lack of competence (?) effort (?) care for his family (?) in this scenario, unless it's a one-off caused by bad luck and he does his best to rectify the situation asap.

Assuming that you both agreed to you working more than him, you are not a shit mum and he sounds lazy.

It just doesn't add up OP. You do 14 hour days and 80 hour weeks and you're still the one to cook for your kids and help w homework? I'm amazed you even get to talk to them.

Yeah, really doesn’t make sense.

As a SAHM (to a 3 and 1-year-old, admittedly) now trying to cram 10-15 hours work a week in when the kids are asleep, I’d like to know your secret. How the hell are you managing to clean, cook and spend quality time with your kids!? If you’re spending time with them on your one day off, when are you doing the cleaning? After getting home from your 14 hour days? That’s insanity and I don’t think I believe it. I think if you were really doing that you’d make a bigger thing of the fact you’re fucking scrubbing toilets after being out working from sunrise to bedtime, and not the fact there’s not a meal waiting.

Yup. Pretty much this.

I work from home often so can pop into kids, sometimes I travel for work which involves working v late onto the night. Sometimes I might work 50 hours, sometimes 60, more often more. Last week 80. I’m sorry if my story doesn’t add up and I haven’t given exact figures. I just work v long hours generally.
I don’t cook much no as I don’t have time, neither does my husband. We eat badly mostly.

There’s not much cleaning gets done either but it’s mainly me. I have been known to be cleaning the bathroom at 1am. No cleaner at the moment but have in the past.

So Op, what are you going to do?

It's all very well laying out your relationship out for MN to pick over. But what do you want to happen next?

If as commented earlier you've been upset about this for years what will you do?

Do you get a trophy at the end if it? You seem to be a big advocate of living to work.

I also don’t understand why you’re still here, I’d be done!! If he doesn’t really earn anything then he’s working for fun. Which is not fair.

Have you always worked those sort of hours? What sort of job requires 80 hour weeks?

I think you should get a cleaner. I’m planning to get one myself now my days are filled with childcare and my evenings are filled with paid work, and we have the extra money for it.

I also think you should talk to your husband, in as calm a manner as possible, about your frustrations. If his business isn’t actually bringing any money in, he needs to either find something that does or step up his contributions to the running of the household. Maybe even both. With teenage kids there’s really no good reason he can’t cook. He can batch cook stuff for the freezer if necessary. That’s what I do with my tiny, extremely demanding kids. He should be handling the grocery shopping as standard too, even if it’s just placing a weekly delivery order. Are there other bits of life admin you could formally hand over to him?

I don’t know about your work, but I’d also consider the possibility that you’re doing more than you actually need to. People I know working 80-hour-weeks are workaholics who neglect other aspects of their life. Often their family relationships. Maybe you do manage to juggle it all successfully, and/or maybe you really do have no choice but to work that many hours. Maybe not, though.

Get a cleaner for a start

talk to him-properly. What does he bring to your life. He’s not a SAHP-your kids are self sufficient. Tell him he either sorts himself out and starts either working properly or being more supportive at home but he can’t have his cake and eat it

He is employed so not a SAHP. Surely if you work all those hours you can afford to pay for extra help in the house,if not its all a bit of a waste of time

What if you thought about what you want for yourself rather than from him, e.g. less hours at work. Suppose you said OK I am going down to 40 hours a week, this will mean we have to cut back, let’s discuss. Would he/ could he think about changing his hours and role too? Or would he think goody, I won’t need to do so much childcare, I’m taking up golf?

You are stuck until the kids leave private school. Some tweaks you can make to make him aware that the gravy train is going to stop soon. But honestly - I think you have got to think about whether you can carry on with these hours or if you need a radical change of lifestyle. You are already on your own - this isn’t a partnership - so what would you do if you were on your own?

The issue here is that the husband spends a lot of his time working in his self employed role so does not have the time to do more around the house. It's the worse or both worlds.

If he was even earning minimum wage that would at least pay for more support such as a cleaner to keep the load off of the OP.

A huge amount of posts seem to find it completely normal to speak about your life partner as if they were an employee who's difficult to fire because HR would question your motives. Seriously OP, did you both love each other once? You've both drifted away into the soulless money money zone when really all you both desperately need is respect, appreciation, emotional support and probably a thorough seeing to. Serving his shlong on a platter (financial castration a daily reminder?) is not helpful; his apparent lack of making you feel valuable and appreciated for your hard work is unacceptable too, and he should be grateful. You both really need to stop for a moment and talk to each other about how you never wanted to be the person each of you are right now. Send the teens off to an adventure holiday for a week and take some essential time out to remind each other who you used to be before you got sucked into the twilight zone.

If he's not bringing in income, he's not employed, he's dependent on the OP to support him.

I work from home often so can pop into kids, sometimes I travel for work which involves working v late onto the night. Sometimes I might work 50 hours, sometimes 60, more often more. Last week 80. I’m sorry if my story doesn’t add up and I haven’t given exact figures. I just work v long hours generally.

So it is not possible for him to work any more than he already does.

I would definitely employ a cleaner and I would tell him he needs to do the cooking.

He can do things like batch cook and meal plan to make things easier.

If you are WFH there’s nothing stopping you from putting the slow cooker on either every now and then.

I am a single parent and work FT and I do find things like cooking and cleaning difficult.
I also assume he finds it quite difficult to juggle working, being the sole parent and all of the housework etc.