SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

Has his earning potential been reduced because he was the SAHP/main carer when the kids were younger?

Who cooks for the kids?

He does work for an average of 5 hours a day every week day and calling this a SAHP is horribly insulting to all the busy working part-time mums on this site and elsewhere. If the business is bringing in nothing and that's not a temporary start-up issue then that's separate and should indicate a need for a change or direction. In addition to his 5 hours he does the dog walking (we have no idea who wanted the dog, certainly I know part-time workers who do all the walking but never chose to have a dog). Might that take an hour a day? He does the laundry, maybe 30 mins a day? ferrying kids, I'm guessing 30 mins a day average (could be much more but likely not much less?) but also all the other incidental parenting duties - talking to kids about their day, listening to them when they're stressed, helping them with homework? prompting them to get ready for activities and have the right kit, getting them up and chivvying them along to get to school etc. maybe 45 mins a day? I'm calculating 7:45 hours a day plus the other running ironing to the ironers (wow I didn't know people did that!), odd bit of gardening, some cooking, I guess also cleaning up kitchen as OP does not say she comes home to filth and chaos?. So certainly not sitting on his arse. If no commute to work though and he starts when the kids leave at 8:30 then he could be done with all that by 4 if he takes a break to eat his lunch - which he is entitled to do.

He's not a kept man but that does not mean he could not make up a plate of dinner for you to heat up when you get back. I do wonder though whether the high luxury lifestyle is his desire or yours? I mean the private school, ironing service, mindful chef meals. I would not bust my arse to support someone else's dream for those things when they add not one jot to my life and a more relaxed lifestyle does. Maybe you need to talk together about priorities and what is actually value for you both.

Your dh is not a SAHP? 🤔

I don’t think you are a shit Mum - whilst I’m feeling a bit attacked by the “25 hours is a SAHP” mantra - I don’t think you are a shit Mum, you are paying for a roof over your children’s head and their food.

but on a flipside I feel resentful that no one ever bloody cooks me a meal. I feel like no one values what I do. My DH phoned me the other day and I was bringing my girls back from after school club. He wanted to know why they’d been at after school club??

er because I work until 4.30pm. Aahh but because it’s “only 25 hours a week, it’s only admin and I work from home” why would they need to be in after school club.

basically seeing zero value in what I do. Which is coming across (rightly or wrongly) exactly how you see your husband by sound of it. Ok I may not bring in the salary my husband does, but I still contribute to our mortgage / bills and run around after our kids so he can progress his career

and I bloody stepped down in my career as well because I had to due to his , so it pisses me off even more how little we are valued

not at all... stay at home parent means they are AT HOME with the KIDS, what they do at home regardless of if its carering duties, housework, work from home or volunteering etc... is still STAY AT HOME PARENTING.

You seem to be confused by a SAHP and a homemaker/housewife.

OP, I voted YABU because I don’t think he needs to work more hours given your set up. However, after seeing your updates, I think that it is reasonable to ask him to sort out his work so it is not making a loss. Those 25hrs should contribute to the household not drain it.

My husband once tried to start a side gig selling t-shirts. He showed me the figures and they were not sustainable so I asked him to stop. My rationale was that we have a bunch of kids and any work either of us does needs to contribute positively to the household pot. At the time he admitted he was just messing about with it and didn’t have a solid business plan.

OP, it may be worth a conversation with him about what is going on with his work. If he is making a loss he needs some help with his business.

The OP supports the family financially. She works ridiculously long hours. She does all the cleaning and all the life admin.

The DH pisses about in a hobby business, does minimal chores but has clearly cherry picked the easy/pleasant jobs like dog walking and ferrying kids.

I honestly do not know why people are acting like he's hard working and hard done to. Lots of defensive SAHM responses I guess?

You are NOT a shit mum OP. You sound fantastic and I applaud your work ethic and commitment to your family.

The DH pisses about in a hobby business, does minimal chores but has clearly cherry picked the easy/pleasant jobs like dog walking and ferrying kids.

This. Its pointless him claiming to be working 25 hours a week if in fact he's self employed & not actually bringing in money. That's not a job, its a hobby.

Working 80 hours a week, 6 days a week to fund 2 x private school places is a crazy priority IMO. I’m amazed you ever considered this feasible, assuming your DH didn’t use to earn a large salary prior to the 25 hours a week/no money situation you say he’s in now. Sure, it sounds like you do way, way more than him, both in and out the home. It sounds like he could definitely up his game. But the amount you work is hardly to keep a roof over your head is it? I really hope it wasn’t your DH advocating for private education at your expense.

He works from home, he isn't a stay at home parent. Stop looking down on and belittling your husband, he can't work more hours because you are out of the home 6/7 days a week.

You’re not a shit mum at all. Sounds like you are a super mum. No one says the dh of all the sahm with the big jobs are shit parents because they work long hours to support their family

@Hottubby You're not a shit mum, but you are definitely contradicting yourself.

I would love to work less

I'm very driven, he is not

You can't complain about someone being less driven or ambitious than you are, and at the same time say you would like to work less.

You need to work out your priorities. You mentioned private school upthread, and I have been there and done that so feel your pain. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel; you only have four more years to go. Could you think of getting the children through school, then working less? If so, your husband should support you and either increase his own hours or you could both take a drop in living standards. Or do you actually really like working at this pace? If so, you can't really complain that someone else doesn't.

As PP have said, your husband is not a SAHP as he works part time. I was a SAHM and nobody cooked me a meal, or took me out for one, in 20 years - although being a SAHP is a bloody long slog. That said, it's easier than working even p/t around children, which is what your husband is trying to do.

Well yeah but I'm guessing he isn't bothered as he is sitting about with his thumb up his arse (sorry 'working' but earning no money) while being kept by the OP and her long hours which she clearly does not want to work but has to.

Does he beg you to be home more OP? I would bet not.

Did he beg you to send the DC to state school so he could see you more? Does he say 'lets forget the holidays this year you work too much'?

Sounds like the issue is that he essentially spends 25 hours a week indulging in a hobby. Time that he could be investing in his family instead, or else getting a proper job.

OP - given you're a high earner, any chance of getting a housekeeper? Or at the very least outsource all the cleaning.

There should be a meal waiting for you when you get home.
Whoever is at home more/earlier should cook enough for everyone. Basic family curtesy.

If the genders were reversed this thread would have entirely different replies.

We don't know whether what he does is a "hobby job", because we have no idea what it is!

I don't think portraying either husband or wife as wonderful/shit parent/cocklodger is all that helpful.

Whatever else the core issue is that the Op is unhappy with the current set up. That deserves thought.

To make changes the Op needs time to think about her life in the round and work out what would make her happier. Then there needs to be a decent opportunity for both of them to talk and come to better understanding ideally with a third party mediating - that might lead to a separation or it might mean them both making adjustments.

But she's not choosing these hours she is forced to do them to keep them out of the red because he's not bringing much if anything in.

@pocketvenuss hardly in the red with the private schools and exotic holidays

“meals only if brown” - what does this mean??

Do you think perhaps your perception of work is a bit skewed. 25 hours is not a SAHP and 80 hours a week is just total madness. That’s two full time jobs! Of course it won’t seem like he’s doing much compared to that. You can’t be struggling if you can afford private school. If you’re not happy maybe you need to look at making changes to your own work rather than directing your resentment towards him.

If you work 80 hours 6/7 days a week. Would it even be possible for him to work any more hours?

Have you spoke to him about doing the cooking?

The person who works less and is at home more should definitely be doing more housework/cooking.

Personally I think effort in a household needs to be equally divided. If one party works long hours to support the family, the other needs to put in similar effort whether it be paid work or work to run the household. Expecting someone to work long hours and then come home and cook for you is taking the piss.

Children of the age that OPs are should also be actively contributing to the running of the house ie cleaning, vacuuming, washing, ironing cooking. These are all valuable life skills that are needed for independence. From 14 I'd be doing the mid week family washing, cooking at least once a week, vacuuming etc

OPs husband needs to stop dallying about with what sounds like a hobby (given he makes nearly nothing going by OPs posts) and either get a proper job that brings in money or start actively contributing to the household in a non financial manner by doing all housework etc

I think I recognise you from previous posts under different name(s). (Shit camping trip to Europe?) if so you’ve been deeply unhappy in this relationship since 2017! If nothings changed and you are still so miserable 5 years on I think you need to make a change. Life is too short!