DH and aligning in-laws

[jhfs8979]

You read a lot on MN about sons not bothering about their aging parents and I seem to be married to one. DH's parents are elderly, his father is bed bound and his mother had a breakdown and has been in a mental hospital for the last six months. DH's sister lives with his parents and is caring for the dad while holding down a full time job. Initially when MIL went into hospital DH would go over for a day or two per week to help out the sister but then it stopped being practical and he has now only been once every month/ every other month. He has only visited his mother in hospital once back in the summer and hasnt bothered since.We live in the same city as them though it does take over an hour and half each way to get to them from our place.

I know it's his family and I leave him to it. But it feels rather heartless and very uncaring. He would say that he loves me and the kids etc and we are definitely 50/50 when it comes to raising them. It just feels like he's basically abandoned his family and it has sort of impacted on how I see him. I just feels weird reconciling this image of him as a caring family man to us who has simultaneously given up on his parents and effectively sister when they are all really struggling. Not sure what the AIBU is here - but perhaps it's whether or not I am unreasonable to feel that his attitude has impacted on my image of him, I guess.

And obviously the title should say ailing - damn autocorrect

Yes that does sound rather heartless. Have you asked him why he's stopped visiting/caring? Do you think something has been said by his family that he's not told you about? Was he close to his parents before they became ill?
Sorry no help.

I haven't got any advice, but yes it does seem wrong that he's dumped him parents care on his sister and withdrawing.

Yes, I'd be very sad about this too.

Have you discussed it much?

Wow, that's not good behaviour. His poor sister too.

It's really not good behaviour and if I was in the same position and one of my sons reacted the same way, I'd be devastated At the same time, pushing him to visit more isnt him taking the initiative. It just seems incredibly heartless and I never thought of him as that.

Could you ask him if he is OK with you phoning his sister and visiting his parents?

I would be worried to be seen as condoning this poor behaviour.

I would watch very carefully and take notes because this is likely how he will behave towards you if you ever need any kind of help or care...

Let’s just hope that his parents have made sure that if they have anything to leave when the time comes it goes to the child that actually deserves it . Have you actually told him that his behaviour is making you question what type of person he really is .

It’s difficult to say without knowing how the relationship was. Often people have massive issues within families which others find it difficult to understand. I’d agree about talking to him and maybe focussing on the sister than the parents and try to understand his position.

I wouldn’t necessarily push him to do things but I’d definitely let him know that seeing this side of him is a side that you don’t really care for. My other half can be a messy, antisocial so-and-so sometimes, but together with his sisters he’s always played an equal part in the care of their parents - possibly more so because he’s geographically the closest.

Perhaps he sees this as ‘women’s work’? Had a similar issue when my MIL was ill. DH was vaguely helpful , BIL was totally absent, SIL , as the daughter , arrived the load. I had to help , as I could not watch the struggle, and I did nag DH into doing more.
BIL a lost cause. It’s a very unattractive trait.

As I've got older I've realised my brother and I had a very uncaring childhood, yes, we were fed, clothed and housed but there was virtually zero nurture I nthe house, very little interest in homework or school, almost no effort around family activities the list goes on and on.

Little wonder now neither of us can be bothered with our parents. We have no relationship with them. You reap what you sow

• carried, not arrived!

Guilt keeping his away? Ultimately your marriage will pay the price of that when the ils are no longer around...
He needs a stern talking to imo.

It is heartless but then it is s his relationship with them. Did he have a particularly close relationship with them before he got with you? Had he always lived away from them? Why doesn't he visit more often? Have you asked him? I appreciate this is mumsnet and many people will say that you should keep your nose out but if it was my dh I would at least ask why? Could it be because it would inconvenience you, maybe you'd need to pick up more slack at home if he's not physically present and helping out his parents? Are you not interested in helping or are you already? I'd talk about it with him, if you are willing to help offer it. It isn't in my view a great example to set to your children.

My dh is lax in ringing his widowed mum. She lives with bil so we normally see her once a week if not fortnight as sometimes she's out at the weekends. She is welcome at ours but wants us to go to her. I ring her twice a week without fail and pop in on her with my youngest once a week (unless baby is ill). Dh's reasoning is he's busy with work but he's just lazy when it comes to picking up the phone, you'd think fil dying at 62 would have made him want to spend more time with his mum not less. They just aren't as open in that if it were my son I'd tell him I want to see him at least once a week.

This. So much judgement on this thread. If your husband is usually a caring and supportive person, and his response to his parents' and sister's current circumstances is therefore out of character, I'd be starting with trying to find out what that's about. At least that's what I'd want my OH to do if this were me.

How much did he used to see them before this?

I think if he's not close & not particularly interested in seeing them that is one thing.

Not helping out his sister is another though.

I mean - I push my husband to do all sorts of things that I think need doing. I push him to paint a wall, mow the lawn and do the dishwasher when he hasn't done it and it's bugging me. He will do the same with me - ask me to fill out a form or whatever...

If it's annoying you just suggest he does it.

This. Families are all kinds of weird. there could be massive issues you're not aware of. Talk to him.

Their relationship was never good though I think some of that is him and trauma. His dad has been disabled for a long time since he was a kid and I think he's 'moved' on the minute he left home and went to uni. He blames them for not providing him with more guidance etc but his mum was essentially a carer and lower middle class who had never really worked. I cant see how she could ever have given him guidance when it came to university admissions or internships. He feels that part of the reason why he doesnt feel he belongs amongst his peers stems from his childhood. I think it stems from the British class system - I didnt grow up here. So he's always had a fairly distant relationship despite living in the same city for large parts of his life. I myself dont have much of a relationship with them. His parents often saw me as above them or posh (though as I said am not British) and his mum didnt like me come over because she never thought their house was good enough.

However, things are really bad now and I cant believe he's only seen his mum once since she's been admitted to hospital months and months ago. If that was me, I'd be devastated that my kids were bothered about visiting. His sister tries but cant really leave the house and obviously his dad is not able to. So she's had no one really. It just seems cruel

So his parents didn't make any provision for this time and he isn't close to them?

Blood doesn't create a debt.
His life doesn't need to be stunted by them. Has his sister contacted Social services and the hospital to get a OH assessment?

It is cruel.
I’m going to put moose on table here and say this is far more typical for men

men often (not always, but I see it being a bigger majority) seem, to have an internalised pecking order for a limited amount of love and care they can give . Imho they come out with stuff like “I have to prioritise my gf now” or other such statements. Like they have finite bucket of love and if someone new needs their love and care, it has to be removed form someone else further down pecking order.
I think women are conditioned to just keep sticking more love and care in bucket no matter how many people are needing it, and are much more likely to be balancing differing needs of husband, kids, parents, ILs, and friendships till they’re run ragged with demands of it. In my experience women generally (yes, I know there are many exceptions) have a stronger sense of duty for mundane none glamorous stuff than men . It’s not biological- we’ve been culturally conditioned to this which is why more woman are carers than men.

I also think a lot of blokes are conditioned to expect love/care to given to them first, then they return it. If it’s a situation where they are needing to provide love and care without any return on that , it falls off their radar and motivation

I don’t think there’s anything that will change DH mind other than to ask if this is model he wants to show his own children? That if he is in need of care and on his own in nursing home that he doesn’t need to see his kids and won’t miss them . If he’s unfazed by that, guess you have to accept that this is just how he is and it won’t change,

His mum was the main carer for years and then had a breakdown. His sister has then taken over. FIL currently has carers coming in four times a day that his parents' money is paying for. Their house is not very suitable for them but I think MIL just didnt have the energy to sort it out. It looks like MIL will soon be released so DH's sister will have to elderly and frail people to look after while working. She feels bad whenever DH brings up the issue of putting either of them in a home. And so it continues.

However, whilst I can probably push DH to do more and guilt him into it. What really gets to me is the extent to which he's just disengaged from it all despite living in the same city as his folks.

I’m not sure yet another woman providing care is the answer. DH needs to step up and give his sister a break.