DH and aligning in-laws

[jhfs8979]

You read a lot on MN about sons not bothering about their aging parents and I seem to be married to one. DH's parents are elderly, his father is bed bound and his mother had a breakdown and has been in a mental hospital for the last six months. DH's sister lives with his parents and is caring for the dad while holding down a full time job. Initially when MIL went into hospital DH would go over for a day or two per week to help out the sister but then it stopped being practical and he has now only been once every month/ every other month. He has only visited his mother in hospital once back in the summer and hasnt bothered since.We live in the same city as them though it does take over an hour and half each way to get to them from our place.

I know it's his family and I leave him to it. But it feels rather heartless and very uncaring. He would say that he loves me and the kids etc and we are definitely 50/50 when it comes to raising them. It just feels like he's basically abandoned his family and it has sort of impacted on how I see him. I just feels weird reconciling this image of him as a caring family man to us who has simultaneously given up on his parents and effectively sister when they are all really struggling. Not sure what the AIBU is here - but perhaps it's whether or not I am unreasonable to feel that his attitude has impacted on my image of him, I guess.

@Soothsayer1 All the more reason for the OP’s DH to help them.

I don't agree with this at all.

MIL made her choices here, as did FIL. These are the consequences. When MIL was admitted this was the crisis that should have changed things, SIL probably never had the tools to say no after a lifetime of being conditioned care.

The OP's husband has obviously been deeply affected by his parents choices, there is no obligation on him to support these choices as an adult.

I think you’re failing to see how dysfunctional the family’s approach to his DF’s disability has been. He grew up in a family that couldn’t meet his needs and that is focused around everyone facilitating his not nice (nasty? Abusive?) father at horrendous cost. He can’t make them change their approach, but he can refuse to let it bring him down.

I think I’d actually be quite concerned about my old age / becoming I’ll with a husband like yours @jhfs8979 , presumably at some point he loved his parents .

I disagree. His DM let him and his sister down when she set this dynamic up decades ago. She may have been in a very difficult place and social conditioning (which we see in practice right here on this thread) might have made it difficult for her to see past the expectations for women to care for their husbands and put their needs above everything else. But in doing so she failed her son, her daughter and, it would seem, her self.

Being a part of that by going along with it and continuing the dynamic will provide a little relief for his DSis for a while, but it’s only prolonging the inevitable and at huge cost to himself. If his DSis was up for changing the dynamic and not having her DF’s needs dominate everyone else’s lives then it would seem a lot more uncaring. As it is it just seems like self preservation.

I'm with you OP. My dh hasn't seen his mother for over a year and a half. Dh hasn't even taken our children to visit his mum. His mum doesn't need care and although retired, is still active and does hobbies like gardening etc. We live a 2hr drive away. We are going to visit his mum for a day during Christmas this year but if I hadn't suggested, I don't think it would happen. I've learnt to not feel responsible. Difficult to know what the right thing to do but ultimately, my dh is lazy and can't be bothered. Nothing malicious, just can't be bothered. But he is very involved with his children so....I really do think it's about pecking order.

@NumberTheory You're looking at this logically, which is fair enough. I personally think that compassion needs to play a role as well. His Mum's choices have made her so ill that she's had a breakdown and is hospitalized; his sister is trapped looking after his difficult Dad. Surely, he feels sorry for them? Perhaps if he stepped up and took charge of the situation, he could make some improvements to their situation. If he and his sister could get Power of Attorney for his parents, for example, they could help them make decisions when they're not able to (although his Mum would need to be mentally well before they could apply).

Even if he can't change the situation, I personally think he should give it a try - and I think the OP feels this way too.

Not much compassion for DH in there. I’m not simply looking at it logically, I’m also thinking about the fear DH likely has about how getting involved will drown him too.

OP I agree with you. I would discuss your feelings/disappointment gently with your DH. Essentially you can’t make him care though.

So you make the first move - call his sister directly - ask her if you can do anything to help (like sort out correspondence, research care providers, ask for advice from age U.K. or GP). Ring the hospital ward and find out if it would be suitable to bring your kids to see DH’s mum (even if it is not a regular thing, it would be nice) and visit her.

I would hope that my kids would be the type of people to help their siblings out if one of them was in the same position as SIL. And also the type that would visit people in hospital. Showing them that they can make a difference to how someone feels by just visiting and chatting is important. My parents used to take me to visit my grand aunts and uncles and I’ve tried to do the same with my kids (seeing my relatives and in laws)

Have you asked him why he thinks it's okay to leave his sister to do everything? To have no life, to never be able to leave the house?

Perhaps what he's doing is correct, and the sister should be resigning from her "job"?

It's not the law the children have to do anything for parents. There seem to be lots of people on this thread who assume there is a duty, then complain about the shirkers. Maybe they should question whether there is a duty, or at least explain why they think there is.

Maybe the reasons why he doesn't want to do anything don't matter? Because only people who actually want to, should. People don't need a reason not to. A hungry person walks to the kitchen, a person who cares about their parents does something, a person who feels nothing, does nothing. They aren't wrong not to have an emotion that causes them to do something, it's simply how they're constructed.

@NumberTheory But her DH isn't ill though. Yes, he's resentful and probably frightened of getting involved, but with the OP's support, he can probably cope with the situation.

I've honestly been amazed at what I can deal with regarding my Dad, his mental and physical health problems, financial issues, being sworn at and accused of all sorts, bad mouthed to other people...the list goes on. But underneath it all, he's an angry and frightened elderly man and I feel sorry for his suffering. I can't imagine the OP's DH doesn't feel sorry for his Mum and sister, and he can probably help them at least in some ways. The OP is clearly ready to support him in this. Anyway, we'll agree to disagree.

If you get something out of helping your father even though he’s nasty to you, then that’s fine, I’m not second guessing what makes your life worthwhile. But I don’t think it means you should be encouraging others to put themselves in the same situation when they clearly do not want to or suggesting that people who don’t must be lacking compassion.

Yes, things are extremely difficult in H+SC at the moment. It doesn't change the position that these services owe legal duties to the 3 adults with vulnerabilities in this situation.

If you are in a position to, and want to, offer support, and are prevented from doing this 'hands on' because of PILs' concerns about their dignity / the state of the house, perhaps you could be the advocate, the articulate and capable person presenting this to services, to help get the right professional support involved? Or perhaps that's the bit DH might feel able to manage? From what you've written, it sounds like you have doubts about MIL's and FIL's ability to make their own decisions about their accommodation and care. If they cannot make their own decisions, unless there is a deputyship or power of attorney for health and welfare decisions in place, there has to be professional involvement for assessments / decision-making - it is not SIL's decision to make.