DH and aligning in-laws

[jhfs8979]

You read a lot on MN about sons not bothering about their aging parents and I seem to be married to one. DH's parents are elderly, his father is bed bound and his mother had a breakdown and has been in a mental hospital for the last six months. DH's sister lives with his parents and is caring for the dad while holding down a full time job. Initially when MIL went into hospital DH would go over for a day or two per week to help out the sister but then it stopped being practical and he has now only been once every month/ every other month. He has only visited his mother in hospital once back in the summer and hasnt bothered since.We live in the same city as them though it does take over an hour and half each way to get to them from our place.

I know it's his family and I leave him to it. But it feels rather heartless and very uncaring. He would say that he loves me and the kids etc and we are definitely 50/50 when it comes to raising them. It just feels like he's basically abandoned his family and it has sort of impacted on how I see him. I just feels weird reconciling this image of him as a caring family man to us who has simultaneously given up on his parents and effectively sister when they are all really struggling. Not sure what the AIBU is here - but perhaps it's whether or not I am unreasonable to feel that his attitude has impacted on my image of him, I guess.

@Newlifestartingatlast you are so right. He often comes out with but I have a job and you and the kids which to me seems ridiculous. Like yes you do but your parents are in trouble and your sister is struggling so pull you finger out. I mean he only has a job and two kids. I dont expect him to live there but he isnt even trying to go twice a month, let alone ever try and see his mum. His mum has spent 25 years taking care of his dad. His sister has been doing it since the end of May. Him - nothing

Mmm, it doesn't sound like he has or had a very good relationship with them and really, I'd say that dealing with that is something that should have happened a long time ago. You seem to be sympathetic to the way he was raised - seeing things from his parents' perspective - but he clearly never got there (rightly or wrongly). So I do think it's a bit mean now to suddenly insist that he leaps into action when he's not actually dealt with any of his issues previously. The fact that he has little time for them, doesn't value them or love them isn't really a surprise to you surely?

My father had zero relationship with his father. When my grandfather died, my father was travelling for work and his company offered to fly him back to where his father lived rather than home so that he could attend the funeral. However, he had been away for 2 weeks and it was my birthday and he chose not to go to the funeral at all. HIs view was that he had no relationship with the man and HIS family was my mum and us kids.

Now, my father's NC with his father was far more formalised and extensive than what you seem to refer to but it doesn't sound like he's just being a bit lazy but rather than he has actively made a decision to have very little to do with them. You might not agree with that, but it doesn't seem to be a new thing with him?

I’m my experience a lot of men are like this sadly. My husband doesn’t do nearly enough for his elderly dad (his brother does live there so FIL is not alone). The family should be thinking sheltered accommodation etc but none of the siblings seem to grasp this. I have to back off as it’s not my family.

Have to agree. My mother and younger brother didn't bond at all (he was a very tricky baby), she pushed him into A levels ( and to follow me to university) when he wanted to leave school and earn a trade. Pretty much he suffered because he wasn't like me, who she was proud of. He's been permanently embittered by it and still is in his 60s.

In terms of your OP, I'd want to understand and some self-serving rubbish about not parents in difficult circumstances who'd presumably supported his school education not providing 'guidance' about university wouldn't wash it for me.

With this additional info you’re being very unreasonable. You can’t just write off parental distance/abandonment as the class system. He obviously feels let down by his parents in many ways and doesn’t feel he owes them anything. I feel similarly about mine. They let me down as a child and I won’t be tending to their needs when they’re old and infirm. As a PP said, blood doesn’t create a debt. You reap what you sow.

It looks like MIL will soon be released so DH's sister will have to elderly and frail people to look after while working. She feels bad whenever DH brings up the issue of putting either of them in a home. And so it continues.

That is his sisters choice then.

If there are carers going in 4 times a day & that isn't enough...

I get that his mum was more focused on his dad once DH hit 16 but she had to be. I am not sure that his insecurities or finding it hard to navigate the city world is down to his parents. it feels more like a coincidence. Yes, his mum's focused shifted when he was a teenager. But she was never going to be able to advise him how to get ahead when it comes to his now very ambitious middle class peers. No he doesnt sound the part, he isnt posh, he doesnt ski, his parents didnt give him a massive deposit as they were not money savy. But I am not sure this has much with a luck of love or attention as much as wc in the Uk just dont do this stuff.

@diddl the level of carer is enough. She doesnt feels able to leave leave the dad on his own i.e. she never leaves the house which is hard. No idea how she will manage with multiple sets of carers for both parents while working and leaving the house

Could he be left then & she is choosing not to?

Perhaps he feels that they would be better off in a care home & is hoping to make his sister think that way?

I find it hard to understand that he hasn't visited, but just because his sister has decided to be a carer doesn't mean that he has to.

Presumably it isn't 'self-serving rubbish' to the OP's husband but something he feels deeply. Ted Mullins explains it pretty well.

My father died when I was young, and my mother while pushing me academically and giving me many opportunities in the arts and academia through tutors and books, was a cold and distant parent.

I left home at 17 and through various points of my life, because of her chronic ill health I took years out of my youth and adult hood to care for her, which cost me dearly in my career, personal life and finances, with zero thanks from her.

Your DH did not have a close relationship with his parents, his mother may have ‘had to focus on her husband’, but not to the emotional developmental detriment of her son.

His sister chooses to be carer, your DH for reasons of self preservation does not. Leave you DH to it, or if you must niggle at it, get a couples therapist, so they can unravel for you, why him being involved is a bad idea.

I wish I hadn’t cared for my mum all those years, I regret it. I have no regrets for the years of care I gave my father as a child, as he was loving and demonstrative, but my mothers love was conditional I don’t think she ever should have been a parent.

I’d leave it alone. If sister can’t handle it, then they need to go into sheltered housing.

It sounds like they’d be better in a home. His sister is choosing to be a martyr, doesn’t mean he has to.

I have an extremely difficult relationship with my mother & would not & will not be there for her in her old age.
That said, from what you have said. I think your dh sounds lazy & I would be viewing him differently. It sounds as if he wanted something from his parents that they were unable to give rather than unwilling to give.
He sounds petulant. His poor sister.

I think a Frank and full conversation is the order of the day. Yoy need to know why he is behaving like this.

Is it a conscious decision based on spite from the past
Is it a conscious decision based on reasonable hurt from bad parenting
Is it laziness
Is it fear of being a cater
Is it because he thinks his sister will do it all as 'womens work'

I'm afraid the answers to this would be enlightening but may irrevocably damage your marriage.

Think of the potato the egg and the teabag story.

When they find themselves in hot water some will grow hard, some will turn to mush & some will be full of character & flavour & who they were meant to be.

I'd want to know which type my husband was.

From the outside it does look harsh of your dh to not help his family or visit them. But there maybe a whole aspect of his upbringing that he can’t or doesn’t want to discuss which has led to distancing himself from them.

I also think that there’s a far higher expectation on women to do the hands on caring in these circumstances and it’s easier to guilt a woman than a man into this role.

It sounds like he feels his parents have held him back which is a shame as it sounds like they did nothing wrong they just weren’t as well off and posh as he wanted them to be . Could you visit his mum , or sit with his dad whilst the sister goes .

Hmmm it's a tough one OP. When I first read the thread I was thinking yes he sounds like a heartless selfish bastard.

But from the updates -

He has a strained relationship with his parents. Whether this is down to his father being disabled and his mum having to care for him when he was a teen, or not, it wasn't his mums fault but it wasn't his either and the result is they are now not close and your husband has some sort of self esteem issues arising from his upbringing.

It does sound as though he has broached with the sister ways of managing it, moving them into a home etc and the sister is saying no because of guilt. That isn't his fault either. Even if he wasnt so close to his parents he could help for his sisters sake...but it sounds like she wants things done her way.

I'm not saying he couldn't do more, but I think there might be more to it than him being a selfish bastard.

Why don't you speak to him and ask him how he thinks this will affect the relationship between him and his sister long term. What about his parents, how would he feel if they left everything (if there is anything) to his sister because she helped them out. What is this situation teaching your kids about caring for the elderly. And see what he says. Could you all go over for the day and one of you take the kids out somewhere, to give his sister a break?

His mum was the main carer for years and then had a breakdown. His sister has then taken over.
Great.
So when your SiL has her own stress & exhaustion-induced breakdown, DH can decide he won't visit her either.

His remarks about not being close because his mother didn't know how to help him navigate university life is bullshit. Just another man who thinks caring & support roles should be occupied by women, not men.
When his SiL can no longer cope, will he expect you to step in?

Also I think this can be general Male thing...but it can also be an elderly parents thing. I've heard of lots of people who need help and will ask their daughter for things they would never dream of asking their son for.

But it is his choice, and he has no obligation to visit his family. Everyone is different, so his decisions need to be respected.

Your husband isn't close to his parents and therefore doesn't see why he should put himself out for them it seems.

However, I would be far more interested in the sister. Her life sounds bloody awful at the moment, soon to get worse.

However, you said that she is resisting the idea of a home for one or both of them and therefore to some extent this is a problem she has chosen not to sort out.

If I were you , I would put my energies into encouraging your husband to get your sister to agree to putting one or both into more suitable accommodation. This will be a task in itself. Maybe he would be more willing with that sort of task.

I agree the concern from your husband needs to be towards his sister. As a family we’ve been through similar. My Mum has done everything whilst my Uncle has carried on with life. It’s caused a lot of resentment. My Mum and Uncle had difficult childhoods, their parents never really cared or nurtured them and i suspect there was some emotional and possibly physical abuse going on. My Mum felt very torn giving up so much of her life for parents who didn’t give much up for them. It was difficult. But she needed my Uncles support.

Where are your parents,OP? How often do you see them? What sort of relationship with them does your DH have?

My DH moved ( al to further) away when he was 29, and has rarely been back to visit. He just doesn’t feel much connection.

he is very loving and supportive to the family he has created, and to many other people with whom he has no blood relationship.

I am tempted to say, ask him about his childhood. Ask him about how he feels now. And listen before you say anything back. Your advice and suggestions will be taken so much better if he has every reason to think you know the whole picture and have taken pains to understand his position.

If he was my friend, I might, might, carefully ask what his own hopes are for his relationship with the kids when he's old, and their relationship with each other, and point out that he's their role model - they're likely to do what they see him doing now.

He may well not be close to his parents, but how is his relationship with his sister? Does he feel she's determined on martyring herself and won't listen when he says they should both be in full-time residential care together?