DH and aligning in-laws

[jhfs8979]

You read a lot on MN about sons not bothering about their aging parents and I seem to be married to one. DH's parents are elderly, his father is bed bound and his mother had a breakdown and has been in a mental hospital for the last six months. DH's sister lives with his parents and is caring for the dad while holding down a full time job. Initially when MIL went into hospital DH would go over for a day or two per week to help out the sister but then it stopped being practical and he has now only been once every month/ every other month. He has only visited his mother in hospital once back in the summer and hasnt bothered since.We live in the same city as them though it does take over an hour and half each way to get to them from our place.

I know it's his family and I leave him to it. But it feels rather heartless and very uncaring. He would say that he loves me and the kids etc and we are definitely 50/50 when it comes to raising them. It just feels like he's basically abandoned his family and it has sort of impacted on how I see him. I just feels weird reconciling this image of him as a caring family man to us who has simultaneously given up on his parents and effectively sister when they are all really struggling. Not sure what the AIBU is here - but perhaps it's whether or not I am unreasonable to feel that his attitude has impacted on my image of him, I guess.

@Cruisebabe1 see I disagree. I think if your parents tried their best, it sort of does to some extent. His parents and especially his mum certainly tried their best - and he was 16 when his dad got sick. For most of his childhood - they were both there for the kids. Yes, 16 is a pivotal developmental moment but now he's an adult, I feel like he should get over himself. No, they couldn't do what other middle class parents did at the time - career advice, house deposits, general life guidance etc but thats true for lots of people. It didnt make them bad parents.

You are not their child. You weren't there and you do not get to decide whether or not they were good parents.

No he is not in any debt to them. They chose to have children. They have not prepared for this time and they have burdened their daughter.

Why is this his problem?

@Bigbadfish how would you suggest they should have prepared for it? They have lots of savings and their house is mortgage free. In reality, both parents have essentially lost their mental ability to make sound decisions in the last couple of years - FIL through Parkinsons and MIL through mental health problems as a result of stress. It's hardly unusual or their fault. Both parents are now really scared of the world and totally unable to manage it. They cant handle phone calls, dont know how to use online banking or the internet or manage the myriad of NHS appointments and crisis teams. SIL is too overwhelmed and frankly busy with the day to day and DH has checked out. So yes, I think that DH should step up and help rather than just ignore it all. Or rather he can do what he wants but I find it a bit hard to watch

I think you are being very hard on your husband. His childhood sounds extremely different, that's created the relationship he has with his parents now. I feel even more sorry for his sister, groomed for a live of care. Three adults all having a life they don't want because one man refuses to have the external care he needs.

You prepare before you lose capacity. They were ignorant and SIL is paying the price..
If they are that far gone and she is struggling it's time for them to sell up and go into homes.

He's not asking you to do or think anything. This is nothing to do with you.
He isn't obligated to them. And by the sounds of it he has issues with their patenting. And that's more than enough.

SIL is making her own choices. He's not forcing anyone to do anything.

DH has checked out
perhaps he sees it like this
option 1-engage and be completely consumed, have his life taken over & ruined
option 2-disengage and avoid all that
in a way it's a 'rational' choice, the situation seems very far gone😥

I think it's interesting that you are completely understanding of PIL's fairly lacklustre, average parenting, but not of your DH's fairly lacklustre, average childing. His dad it sounds was mainly at work, his mum was average and pretty much stopped when he was 16. But him visiting occasionally and doing little else isn't normal.

I think things are complicated by SIL. I do really feel for her. But you can't make your DH want to do what she has chosen to do. I wouldn't choose it either. And just because one sibling has, it doesn't set a benchmark.

This is very salient.

For me I'd worry about how he'd react if either you or the dc got ill and needed to be cared for. Would he step up to the plate?

You don't see the difference between parents and his children?!

He has so far been a good father but because he doesn't want to be thrust into servitude for people he has a negative relationship with he's a bad father and husband?

I actually dont think DH should move back in or anything. I did expect him to do more in terms of visiting MIL in the hospital because SIL cant. I also expected him to try and help out more in terms of paperwork and supporting SIL to move them into a home. However, he seems to have left SIL to it and is just assuming that once MIL is back, she'll take over again.

And just because one sibling has, it doesn't set a benchmark
Agree, and from what I can see what happens is the one who steps up (inadvertently) shows the others just how much they will suffer if they wade in too,
and what if they step up and the (currently helping) other one thinks 'PHEW' and runs for the hills?

He hasn't left SIL with anything. That's the problem with your thinking. As it's not his responsibility he hasn't burdend her. He isn't at fault for that shit show.

I think posters on here are being a bit too kind to your dh, op! I would be disappointed if my dh washed his hands of a difficult family situation like this and left his sister to shoulder the burden alone.

I appreciate that it's possible to become totally overwhelmed and consumed with this sort of thing - and that definitely wouldn't help - but there is a middle way between "consumed" and "doing fuck all".

I'm interested in knowing if you have actually talked to him about how his behaviour makes you feel?

No but it's also not his dad's fault for having a stroke in his 50s or his mum's for trying to take care of her husband and the kids. She probably should have moved his dad into a home a few years go but she was managing but was increasingly less and less able to do things or engage with the outside world. Until six months ago, SIL wasn't doing much of the care but was obviously on hand whenever MIL had to go out etc. The weird thing is that DH doesnt think his dad should have been moved into a home, he just thinks MIL should have managed it better somehow.

And that his sister needs to manage until his mum comes back and takes over again. DH is firmly of the opinion it can all be managed at home - by MIL and if not by SIL. Seemingly he doesnt have to do much in this set up at all

You said his health deteriorated when DH was 16? So how many years ago was that? How many years has his mother been aware that she is going to get old and her husband is not going to recover?

FIL stroke is not his fault but their failure to prepare for the inevitable was. We get old. That's not ground breaking news.

I think posters on here are being a bit too kind to your dh, op!

Maybe. But any family that produces one child who never leaves the house at 30, stuck at home since 9 caring is NOT a healthy one. And so any behaviour on his part is produced by that unhealthy place. Seeing his sister struggle and avoiding that for himself is not necessarily a fully conscious choice. The fear must be very real.

And I'm happy to judge feckless men so don't take on caring roles in my own family so I'm not blind to that.

It's been 20 odd years though his dad's post stroke condition was stable ish - not great, he was disable but stable till it got a lot worse ten years ago - and we think thats when the Parkinsons took over. It's hard to tell. And yes I always thought they needed to move FIL but MIL, SIL and DH were all dead set against it. They all just thought that MIL needs to soldier on and try harder.

Have you asked him why he thinks it's okay to leave his sister to do everything? To have no life, to never be able to leave the house?

He doesn't have to take over from her, but he DOES need to have her back, and to help her find alternatives to this life she has (and they have).

Has he researched options for her? Checked that they all get all the benefits and adaptations that they're entitled to? Checked to see if she's entitled to respite care? She is probably under such a heavy weight of responsibility that she has no headspace left to do all this stuff. He could at least help with that.

I'm the sibling that lives a distance away, and my brother is the one on the spot who has to deal with all my mother's issues. I can't visit her and deal with the practical stuff like as he can, but what I can do is the admin, research, emailing and phone calls about her care and finances (all of which he finds difficult). I have his back by supporting him in dealing with all the things that I can do from a distance. Your DH should at least be doing that.

Maybe. But any family that produces one child who never leaves the house at 30, stuck at home since 9 caring is NOT a healthy one. And so any behaviour on his part is produced by that unhealthy place. Seeing his sister struggle and avoiding that for himself is not necessarily a fully conscious choice. The fear must be very real.

Yes, that's a good point about it not necessarily being a fully conscious choice. Rightly or wrongly though, I would still be disappointed in my dp in the same circumstances.

OP can I just ask you why YOU aren't doing more ? You seem to be running all questions / suggestions through your pretty useless (in this regard ) husband . Except YOU find this pretty appalling behaviour (as do I )

In your situation I would absolutely of been taking my MIL grandchildren to visit her regularly if it became obvious after a week that he wasn't going to step up. I would also ask my sister-in-law DIRECTLY if there was something YOU could do to help her - not relating messages via a completely uninterested husband .

And before people pile in with 'oh I see man to lazy this is wimins work' No not at all. I would do this because I am I hope a caring human being and would offer respite to anyone if I was in a position to do it. Husband ring an arse ? Leave HIS kids with him to care for and go and spend a couple of hours with your sister in law. Invite her over yourself .. just be the decent human being to your Childrens grandparents that he is not able to be.

It's not a competition. Just cos he is being an arse . Doesn't mean you are not allowed to be a better person .

I think he's doing it because he knows he can get away with it, his sister has been trained to obey her parents, he hasnt, she feels a calling that she cannot ignore, he feels nothing....I suspect.
I'd be wondering when/if he might wash his hands of me too!

His poor sister.

It sounds as if your FIL needs 24 hour care. If it’s left much longer it may be very difficult to find anywhere willing to take him ( bitter experience). FIL may not want this but his illness has at the very least contributed to his wife becoming extremely sick and his poor daughter trapped in a house with no life outside it.

Honestly I’d have no respect for a man that refuses to engage in this. They aren’t estranged or abusive. His sister is suffering even more than is necessary because he won’t help.

Id have a meeting with him and explain how upset and concerned you are. It doesn’t bode well if you got sick does it? He needs to man up and get properly involved.

If you’re DH is ignoring the help and support his parents and sister need, can you go over there and help - perhaps stay at the weekend?