DH and aligning in-laws

[jhfs8979]

You read a lot on MN about sons not bothering about their aging parents and I seem to be married to one. DH's parents are elderly, his father is bed bound and his mother had a breakdown and has been in a mental hospital for the last six months. DH's sister lives with his parents and is caring for the dad while holding down a full time job. Initially when MIL went into hospital DH would go over for a day or two per week to help out the sister but then it stopped being practical and he has now only been once every month/ every other month. He has only visited his mother in hospital once back in the summer and hasnt bothered since.We live in the same city as them though it does take over an hour and half each way to get to them from our place.

I know it's his family and I leave him to it. But it feels rather heartless and very uncaring. He would say that he loves me and the kids etc and we are definitely 50/50 when it comes to raising them. It just feels like he's basically abandoned his family and it has sort of impacted on how I see him. I just feels weird reconciling this image of him as a caring family man to us who has simultaneously given up on his parents and effectively sister when they are all really struggling. Not sure what the AIBU is here - but perhaps it's whether or not I am unreasonable to feel that his attitude has impacted on my image of him, I guess.

I think this is very true sadly. He's probably scared that more and more will be asked of him if he seems too willing.

*You don't see the difference between parents and his children?!

He has so far been a good father but because he doesn't want to be thrust into servitude for people he has a negative relationship with he's a bad father and husband?*

Of course I do, but giving his sister some restbite and spending an evening a week with his dp isn't servitude. It's about having empathy for both his sister and dp, and caring for the people he loves. I find it difficult to understand someone who can simply switch off and appear to not care about his family. Is it because of the relationship he had wIth his family, or because he simply can't be arsed

OK - your original question was AYBU to feel differently about DH because he is not responding to his family of origin's changed circumstances in the way you expected? You feel as you feel, OP, but it's worth trying to keep communication open with your DH about it as this sort of thing festers IMO.

No one here can guess what your DH's motivations are, you know him best, but the account of his experience growing up provides some context to his response. I'd also question whether he's seen his Mum, and now his sister, sacrifice their lives inch-by-inch for decades to support his Dad's wish to remain living at home and perhaps he doesn't want to enable that situation to continue, and with it sacrifice his (and by extension, your) own?

Unsolicited advice - this extremely complex situation needs a social work led, multi-disciplinary needs assessment (and a carer's assessment for your DH's sister) before your DH's Mum is discharged from hospital. 4 visits a day aren't likely to meet the complex needs of a couple like this.

Do you think that your FIL wanted to avoid going into a home because he was worried it would absorb all of their savings? Was he trying to ensure he could leave an inheritance for your DH and his sister?

YANBU to feel differently about him, what a disgrace he is. I don't know why so many posters are giving him excuses, he's basically said he's happy with you and the kids so why should he bother himself... what's that saying about a son being a son until he gets a wife? That's your DP. OP in your shoes I'd be very concerned how he'd behave if you got sick, he might say you didn't take him skiing or help him move up in the world And don't get me started on his poor sister.

It is heartless. If he doesn't want to help his sister with his presence he should offer her some money to pay for a carer some days so she isn't always taking on the burden.

@FloozingThePlot I think they've had social care teams and interventions but the reality of the current system is that it requires someone very articulate and capable to present everything, follow it through and keep up with it all. All the virtual wards, crisis teams etc somehow assume that people they are talking to or about are able to follow it all. The post austerity, NHS/social care governance model is not only so complex but also so decentralised with neither of the different service properly communicating with the other nor updating each other that I have no idea how the elderly manage it. My impression is their main goal is to tick you off their list. It's insane and I totally get why MIL has stopped being able to properly manage FIL's care in the last few years. It's impossible especially for someone who is not very able, very shy, rather confused, not tech savvy etc. Honestly, the system is shocking.

I would absolutely go over and help but FIL and SIL would hate it, they would feel put upon, they think the house is in a terrible state plus I couldnt do any of the personal care for FIL and he would never want me to see him in that state. That's why I offered for her to come and stay with me and the kids and DH goes there.

Tonight I asked DH how he thinks it will end but he said SIL is not ready to think about a home. Personally, I think they are twenty years overdue but there is not much I can do. Will try to see whether DH could offer more practical help to SIL

@LisaJool you are absolutely right. DH basically now has his new family i.e. us, we take up some of his time and so he's done so to speak. I wonder how he'll feel when he gets older. His own dad did something rather similar to his own parents but fast forward to now and he is totally reliant on SIL doing everything for him.

@jhfs8979 he'll be totally reliant on you and your dc! Prepare your daughter from now that he will view her as a carer and expect her to give up her life to live with him in his frailty.

It sounds as though he is still angry with his Dad for becoming disabled and his Mum for de-prioritising him. Which for a 16 year old is understandable, that their first reaction would be “why has this happened to me?” But you see things in a more sensitive and rounded way, and don’t really like seeing that aggrieved 16 year old in your DH. I wonder if he would be open to counselling, it might help him process the past. If not, perhaps just find a quiet moment to share your own empathy for his parents and sister, to see if it provokes any reflection from him.

@Forgotthebins he is definitely still that same angry 16 year old, well they werent there for me so why should I be there for them. But they were and especially his mum to the best of her abilities. And honestly he did get his A'level grades and he did move away so he was 'fine so to speak.

His own dad did something rather similar to his own parents but fast forward to now and he is totally reliant on SIL doing everything for him
Suggests to me that he thinks men should be free to pursue thier own interests and women have to put up & shut up, he appears to have trained his daughter to align herself with this mindset😒

No one here can guess what your DH's motivations are, you know him best, but the account of his experience growing up provides some context to his response. I'd also question whether he's seen his Mum, and now his sister, sacrifice their lives inch-by-inch for decades to support his Dad's wish to remain living at home and perhaps he doesn't want to enable that situation to continue, and with it sacrifice his (and by extension, your) own?

This. And the fact that FIL did similar to his dad, then he's had decades of care from MIL and SIL, I'm not sure I'd wade in judging your DH.

And how did SIL end up shy, not able, not tech savvy, bound to them? It seems like PILs have made very particular choices.

@MrsTerryPratchett Oh no I meant MIL is shy etc and not very tech savvy, SIL is fine, she's just overwhelmed and fed up but feeling like she has no other choice. Not sure whether partly it's also because she feels like she has to hold the fort until MIL is back. But if I was SIL, I would be really pissed off at DH for not doing and helping more

None of that explains why he's only been to visit his DM in hospital once in 6 months?

honestly not a clue. None. He says whats the point and he would have to book it in advance. He keeps mentioning how his dad's carers are so pleased that his dad has someone to look out for him but he's basically just abandoned his mum in a mental institution. It's almost as if now she cant serve her purpose of looking after the dad, she doesnt matter. Apparently his dad also doesnt ask about his mum. It's so sad.

It does. We become very avoidant of negative emotions. Think of it like a phobia almost.

I'm not saying I actually know any of this. I think he needs a trained therapist.

Apparently his dad also doesnt ask about his mum. It's so sad.

The more you say about his dad, the worse he sounds. He's allowing this erosion of all the women's lives, massively more than your DH.

I’ve only read your posts, OP. I can see that there are underlying resentments that are preventing your DH from reaching out to his family-but I think he needs to put this behind him now and help them through this challenging time. He’s an adult and part of being an adult is accepting our parents’ imperfections, because no parent is ever perfect and does everything right, IYSWIM. His parents weren’t abusive or cruel, they couldn’t provide everything he would have liked-but that doesn’t mean they’re “bad” people undeserving of his help now.

I do understand it’s hard. My elderly Dad is a very difficult personality and certainly hasn’t been the ideal father, but I’ve accepted that’s who he is. He needs my help now, practically and with emotional support, so I do it and just resolve to try and behave differently with my children…although I’m sure they’ll also criticize my parenting in the future. 😂

@MrsTerryPratchett his dad isnt nice but with all his myriad of health problems and mental issues, I am not sure that he can be IYSWIM. He is a disable, ill and angry old man who is also helpless and very very scared. I dont like him but it's not really about him but MIL and SIL. DH can simply check out and forget about them all. It seems harsh, very harsh

I think you need a bit more compassion for your DH.

His mum has spent her life looking after his father and has ended up with not much of a life, unable to give her best to her children and now with a mental breakdown? His sister has taken over and is overwhelmed and barely leaves the house.

Do you not think that maybe DH has seen what this sort of approach to care does to people and is running away from it? I don’t think his approach is less sensible than his DM and DSil’s, he has other responsibilities and it sounds like his fathers’ needs suck the life out of those who make it their life’s work to care for him.

The idea that if the family just pull together it will be all right is what results in people losing their lives to drudgery. His DF clearly needs more care than family can provide, even with support. DH getting involved isn’t going to change that it will just paper over the cracks so DSil keeps at it for longer..

@NumberTheory i see your point, but not getting involved and abandoning his MIL/DS isn’t the right thing to do either, is it?

My Dad is a nightmare, tbh, sometimes I’d like to go NC, but I know it’s not the right thing to do.

What I find cruel is his lack of compassion for his mum or lack of care. He knows that SIL cant visit very often but is basically not bothered. She's spent two decades looking after his dad and her health is now shot to pieces. But yes I guess I find it hard to emotionally connect with him on this thing. I think it's also because he seems to refuse to accept that nowadays she needs as much care as the dad, and cant be expected to just come back home and pick up where she left off

I would genuinely be happy not to see my mum again. But that doesn't stop me (occasionally) visiting her, and it absolutely doesn't stop me helping out my brother who carries more of the burden as he lives local to her.

I'm not even that close to my brother (not for any difficult reason, we're just very different people who didn't see much of each other for much of our adult lives). But there's no way I could leave him to shoulder this alone. When I visit my mum, it means he can miss a visit. If I make the calls or send the emails to the care company/social care/ and deal with finance stuff, then it eases his load as he finds that stuff hard. And frankly I see it as by far the easier bit to do as I don't have to see my mum to do it.

So DH doesn't have to get involved in the same way that his sister is, or fear his life being taken over. He just needs to reach out to her to see what he CAN do for her. It's absolutely awful of him to let her deal with this alone, and have no life in order fro him to have one.

I don't see why we should feel compassion for him when he clearly has none for his sister - who presumably had an equally difficult time with his parents when she was young.

He's allowing this erosion of all the women's lives
that's often how dominant people maintain thier power...by making sure someone else takes the hits!