To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

I didn't catch how old the children are but could you do the 2 days a week job and stay over in the town one night? It could be a good way of getting to properly know the local area before maybe one day actually moving there? Finances permitting, you might be able to find a cheap B&B. This gives you a real thing to look forward to every week and gives you hope for your future life too.

100% move. Your DC are still young and they will be fine. I know some of mumsnet would disagree but you can't let an 11 year olds opinion keep you unhappy for years. I am in a similar position but no option for moving job wise so sticking out the countryside. But I sympathise

Can taxis/Ubers be enlisted to take the pressure off you driving at least for the secondary age child? Either to school or to the bus stop

I'd lose the weekend activities or figure out a carpool with other parents.

I’m not sure if this helps, but when I was 13 (so had not long started secondary school) my parents moved us from the most beautiful rural location in the highlands of Scotland to an urban town 3 hours south. I went from attending a school with less than 90 kids overall, knowing absolutely everyone, to a school with over 1000 pupils. I was furious at them, didn’t want to move, kicked up such a fuss. Threatened to run away, the works.

I absolutely loved it once we moved. I made new friends, I could actually go out and do things with them - compared to living rurally where my closest friend lives over an hour’s drive away with no public transport. It was really the best choice for our family, your kids will adapt.

*also, I wouldn't move unless I was financially forced to. We did it recently and it was horrendous and one of my children is really suffering for it. Unfortunately we had no other choice. These years after covid have already been so difficult for children's mh, friendships and feeling of stability

Apply for the job, it is [nothing more than] an expression of interest in the position. The interview process will take some time, you can consider and plan in the interim, and if at the end of the interview process you and DH decide a move is not on the cards, you can decline an offer. Living in a home where dad and mum are fulfilled will ultimately help your kids thrive.

I moved around a lot as a kid (4 homes/4 schools - 2 primary/2 secondary). The first move was hardest - in retrospect, a little advance engagement from my parents might have helped me to adjust, to get used to the idea of goodbye. So although I can't say I loved the idea of moving initially, neither have the moves had any lasting negative impact.

I think if you want to move this year would be the year to do it. We moved with children in Year 7, Year 4 and Year R. It was for my husband’s work and was a return to Southern England after 3 years in a very rural location in East Anglia. We were in agreement that there could be no more school moves after this point.

It was hard, my DD and I were blissfully happy in the rural area and pined for it for several months, but PP’s were very right to point out how much better towns are for teens to have more independence. I actually can’t imagine how hard life would have been for me driving them everywhere as they got older, and there were many serious accidents with teens driving themselves with a car full of friends once they passed their tests.

I would apply for the role and see what happens, this is a decision for adults at the end of the day.

firstly, the grass is always greener… the opposite of what you’ve already got is always exciting. That excitement doesn’t always translate to long term happiness.

What do other kids that attend the secondary in your village do? You can’t bet the only one that can’t walk to the bus stop by the sounds of it. Could you life share to bus stop wirh your child’s peers. Take some pressure off?
Why couldn’t you go in and do an overnight at the new job (if you even got it) and still live where you are?
The idea of uprooting my whole family and selling a beautiful house in a time of awfUl housing instability for a 3 year contract doesn’t seem to me the best idea 🤷‍♀️

Definitely apply for the job and see from there.

I grew up on the edge of a rural village, 10 minute walk to nearest bus stop, bus was once an hour, stopped at 5.30. My teen years were largely spent asking for lifts. I remember my dad telling me off for not having a part time job at 16 but there was no where to get one in our village and no way to go further afield to get a job. I left for a big city for university and still love city life.

I would argue that you don't uproot an entire happy family for one person 🤷🏻‍♀️

@OpheliaPlum , as someone who moved from the city with their young DC 12 years ago, I completely and utterly sympathise. My DC are now 18 and 20. Both learned to drive at 17 and youngest left home much younger than I’d like, in order to be on the city. For us, it’s DH that wants to stay. This is his rural idyll. I’m the one who feels isolated. I feel ‘trapped’ in a lovely house on the edge of the countryside. You sound deeply unhappy and much more isolated than me. If you have this feeling now, it won’t go away. Trust me.

I would echo PP who have suggested moving somewhere that is better located so that you have better transport links and more local amenities. I probably wouldn’t move so far away that the secondary aged DC has to change school, unless absolutely necessary. Is there a town nearby that would suit you and also the dc?

I think you could that ‘alive’ feeling by moving to anywhere with a bit of bustle. IMO it comes across as a bit selfish if you move to pursue the dream job, but totally justified if you move on the basis that your current logistics are untenable. I think the DC would better understand the latter, too. Good luck x

Op I think when you're unhappy with something (in your case where you live and the impact on you) then your brain can go into drastic all-or-nothing mode.

But there are lots of choices in between staying as you are and uprooting the family 3 hours away.

Personally I wouldn't move away unless absolutely unavoidable. I think it's unfair on the dc when they get to a certain age and have already been grounded in one place, happy in school etc.

Couldn't you look to move but locally? Even just a move into a local village or the one where the schools are?

You'd still be rural but I don't think you can underestimate just how different it would be when your dc can leave the house alone, step out onto a pavement and take themselves to school and back, or the local Coop or to walk the dog. Even if that's all...its so much more freedom than being totally hemmed in by a 70mph lane right outside your garden gate and your dc being 100% reliant on you every single time they want to leave.

I would think less drastic but put serious consideration into where you could move for more freedom whilst keeping the same secondary. Rural areas tend to have large catchments ime so there should be quite a few options?

You need to move ... somewhere, but not necessarily for this job. You'll want somewhere in a town for the kids when they are all in secondary otherwise you will just spend the next 10 years ferrying them around. But you also won't want to be half a day's travel from family. Is there a compromise to be had - moving closer to the current secondary, your DH moving work closer so he can pick up some of the load during the week so that you can also get a better suiting job. You can't be the only one taking the hit here.

Is the school the nearest secondary school? If so, and assuming you live more than 3 miles away, your child is entitled to transport provided by the council. That might reduce your taxi driver role.

Whether you apply for this job or not, your current lifestyle doesn't sound sustainable in the long run.

It's only 'working' to the extent that it is now because of you sacrificing yourself to facilitate the other three. That's going to get worse not better as the children get older and you have to choose between either driving them around even more or them not being able to socialise with their friends. It doesn't sound like you could manage another decade of this but with more driving.

@thelobsterquadrille I’d with you if it weren’t for the fact that the OP is the lynchpin in the lives that everyone else enjoys! Her mental health is suffering while she is their taxi driver and relied upon to enable everything they want to do. Your point would only be valid if everyone was more independent (taking their ages into account).

It seems you’ve made an either/or situation out of this when that shouldn’t be the case?

Either where you are in the middle of nowhere. Or a bustling town.

Why not a village/market town with public transport connections or reasonable drive to your DCs current schools and the train station?

Why not a village/market town that has good access to schools and a 20 min drive to where your new work opportunity is?

You can still have many of the benefits of rural life and better access to amenities, school and work. It doesn’t have to be either move to a busy town or stay put.

Many rural kids spend their teens totally pissed off with their one life.
Nothing to do, no ability to meet friends without arranging drops offs & pick ups by their folks, fewer or nil career prospects, hobbies & interests all dependent on your parents being able to ferry you around.

In short - no independence or ability to socialise ad hoc with their peer group.

My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up.
Wowsers.
He really sees you as Just Mum doesn't he?!
No concept of you as an individual who also needs to be happy.
Ask him what he thinks his life will be like in a few years, when he is totally dependent on you & DH for transport to any social life.
I imagined your thread was going to be about DH having this kind of "Ophelia's needs but be abandoned for everyone else's" attitude, so at least it's cheering that HE is supportive of your goals!

Go for it OP - PP's suggestions to just apply, & travel to this opportunity while you scope it out is the most practical next step. You can't spend the next 15 years miserable because an 11 year old doesn't want to change schools & thinks it's ok to hold his parents hostage over it.

Is there a middle ground here? I live in a village that has a bus to the DCs secondary schools and a shop, pub and primary school. I'd love a bigger garden but to get that we'd need to move out a location like you currently live in and that wouldn't work for the family for all the reasons you describe. Moving everyone 3 hours away from your current location seems extreme. I'd find all the villages in your area with better transport links to secondary schools big towns/cities and with shops/pavements etc and get on Rightmove and see if there is something that might work better now without a massive upheaval. I work all over England but I'm only 15 miles from the East Coast Mainline so can get pretty much anywhere and back in a day. If you aren't anywhere near a major trainline I feel your pain.

I'd move. This location isn't going to work for your kids soon either. We moved from a rural area when our eldest was coming into Y6 to get him settled into school and teen years somewhere he'd have more opportunities and independence. We lived in a village but it had no amenities and no public transport. The village was great when they were younger but it's awful for teens. DS hated moving at first but he settled very quickly and is very happy now.

I grew up with friends who lived in very isolated areas bussed into my town, most of them didn't like it past the age of 14, my DH HATED it (hence not wanting it for our kids), some remained but most of them moved in adulthood.

Yes, exactly. There's no moral obligation on one person in a family unit to live an unhappy life and do what can't be far off a full time job's worth of hours in driving and waiting around, so the others can have one particular form of happiness. The DC would no doubt feel differently about their lives if OP were to carve out more time for herself and refuse to drive as much as she has been doing.

I'd apply and if you're offered the job make the decision then with all the facts in place.

I live in a similar location to the one you describe with one child who's still at primary and already the driving him about is doing my head in.

I'm now an expert in reversing down country lanes as well as refusing to reverse when some idiot won't when I know the passing place is near let to them! However I'd love to never have to do it again!!

Apply!

As your DC get older they will thank you for it

You should take the job. My DH grew up in a pavement-less part of the countryside and although it was great when he was 11 and under, the teenage years were endlessly feeling like they were missing out and trying to negotiate lifts to friends. At high school, the friends will be even further afield, it'll be even worse.

The things they are clinging onto are things they will soon outgrow. It will also do them good to realise you have a life outside taxiing them around.

I think you're saying that when your DH drops the youngest at primary, he makes up 4-8 hrs at the weekend. Why doesn't he just stay an hour later each day? Essentially flexi-ing by an hour. It's not a big deal if his work allows it. Would there also be an option for him taking a shorter lunch break, and thus having less time to make up?

Alternatively, if you choose to apply to the new job, you could consider commuting once a week - staying there Mon-Fri and coming home for weekends? Obviously that would have a large impact on your DH, who would then have to do all of the school runs... which is why the flexi-time approach would be better.