To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

if your H's work near your son's school?
is your son's school in a busier location?
Or are there any public transport routes from places you'd like to live to his school?

I'd try not to move your son but there must be other places around the school.

Take a three pronged approach.

It can all be a research desk exercise for now. Don’t have to commit. Just explore and see what comes up and how you all feel about it.

You need to move house regardless. Your situation is untenable. Where could you move that would future proof all your happiness and logistics. Will all DCs go to same secondary? Is there a nice town/village with transport nearby that would allow them independence and alleviate your stress?

Apply for the job and look at schools and properties. 3 years is a long enough contract to commit to. Do you like the city/area it is based in? Hire an AirBnB for a couple of nights with your DCs and have a fun break if you get shortlisted.

Look at the half way house option - staying in the school but easier for you to take the new job - not really understanding how this can be feasible as it would mean 1.5hr commute for all of you? Worst of all worlds.

It sounds like a great career move for you and I would try to make it happen. Maybe you could combine option one and two because if they were independent and nearer school with facilities and transport then you staying away a night or two would likely be much more feasible.

We moved from a rural area when our DC were in early secondary. It was good for one who was being badly bullied but the other did not cope and started school refusing. Turns out he has ASD so transition was always going to be hard. The loss of his friends was huge for him. So I would just say think about how your kids are at making friends and coping with new environments.

It's really hard when family needs pull in different directions. Don't you have school transport?

I woukdnt move countryside kids into a busy town. They won't get past that.

Just wondering @OpheliaPlum , who looks after the dogs, ducks, rabbits? Is this another one that is on you - otherwise your DH will have extra load?

We moved from the rural idyll (hated it) to the edge of a small market town wen DC were late primary. Zero regrets. We have buses and trains all within a short walk. DD has a weekend job, both of them can meet friends, walk to school, get a train to a mix of cities, go to the cinema etc etc. Don't get me wrong - we still have to give the odd lift - but it is often just the lift home at night.

But like PP - do think about whether it needs to be all or nothing. Is there somewhere closer (so children can stay in school, but with more independant school runs) you could move to?

But if the whole relocation thing 3 hours away is the best option then DC will adapt. Y7 or Y8 integration into a new school if much, much easier than Y9 or older.

I woukdnt move countryside kids into a busy town. They won't get past that.

Good Lord don't be so dramatic.

Why not trying working away from home for a while? Loads of men do it and don’t bat an eyelid. Work away a few nights, work remotely the rest.

Hmm, I think I would look at moving OP. If not for this job then for a location that works a bit better. I think a lot of PPs are pointing out the wisdom of having older children who can access stuff for themselves.

I both moved around alot as a kid (5 schools I think so not as bad as some kids have it) and ended up being rural for school years 8-13. Both were awful. We had a bus stop and a train station in our tiny village which was really lucky but the services were twice a day and it took 2 hours on the bus and an hour on the train to get to my friends. They never wanted to visit me and my df refused to be a taxi.

I remember lots of evenings and weekends with just my db kicking around and being a bit bored whilst my friends met up in town.

but I think as you are considering just the one move it’s not the same as moving regularly. I always found it fine making friends, just harder to keep them as kids don’t tend to keep in touch long term if they are out of area.

Your kids might like living rurally now, but a lot of children hate it as they get older. I've taught in schools like the one I imagine your eldest goes to, and the older they get the more difficult it is- a lot get scooters at 16 to have some freedom, but that can be really dangerous on country roads even if they drive sensibly.

Does your eldest's school have a sixth form? If not, would he have to travel even further for sixth form? And if he wanted to do something that wasn't A-levels, would he have any options?

I totally get him not wanting to leave his school, and moving somewhere totally new would be difficult BUT in Y7 at this stage friendships are not fixed and he would easily make new friends. Your younger child would adapt.

If rural living is all they've known, then the idea of moving to a town will feel strange/scary- but they might actually really like it when they get there, and it's very likely your eldest would enjoy the freedom of e.g. being able to walk to see friends etc.

Yep - I completely agree - which is why all my other posts on the thread have been about getting the DH to do his fair share

I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school

I have just spotted this again properly. Surely, surely this needs to be shared more with your DH? He needs to pick more of this up - and then if he needs to make up the time for work do it at a family convenient time - not a time that "punishes" you (from what you said you feel if he works at the weekend it impacts negatively on you - is he doing this deliberately so you don't get him to pull his weight? Nobody likes the grind of the school run/commute - and it sounds like your DH is dodging his share.

Also - school transport - have you asked your county for help with school transport - you should get help with costs (eg taxis) "there’s no safe walking route between their home and school" www.gov.uk/free-school-transport

I absolutely understand the ferrying about issue- Living in a City when DS was a teen was great- everything walkable and good bus/ train links.
Friend lives rurally 20 miles away and I have noticed so much fast traffic on the roads- It’s actually frightening how fast and close vehicles pass pedestrians/equestrians .

When friend’s DC got to teenage years, it was constant ferrying about.
The Countryside is beautiful, but fast country roads are a real issue.
@OpheliaPlum I hope you find a workable compromise.
Dogs and rabbits and ducks can be kept in London gardens- My old landlady kept chickens and ducks, and some people had horses if the property had victorian stabling ( No turnout though, so not ideal).

There's two issues - the job and you being unhappy in the rural location.
I'd separate them out - apply for the job if you can wfh and then travel in/stay in the city when you need to be there. I wouldn't uproot my entire family for a 3 year contract.
As for not liking living rurally, is the high school in a town? Can you move there? Then you have the benefit of the buzz of the city but the DCs don't have their lived upended.
I live in a similar place to you atm so I completely relate to having to drive bloody everywhere and feeling isolated. But I'm trying to find somewhere that fits what I want but lets DCs stay at their school because they're happy there.

We are in this quandary too OP. We live in a village of old people next to a deprived town and very poor secondary schooling forour DD7 and DD5. Regardless of their personal wants, this is not a sustainable place for them to be teenagers. We are looking but it's really hard to find good education in an area we can afford. I miss walking, nearby coffee shops and good public transport. We have been here 6 years and have been trying to make ourselves happy (me and DH) but it really is rubbish. Thankfully the primary, which is fine but not great, is across the road. The mums are nice for the most part and we have nice next door neighbours.

@MrsJephson where do you guys live?

I wouldn’t move personally. Moving schools is traumatic. You’ve no idea if the buzz you felt was just the novelty. When that wears off for you and the kids are still unhappy because they moved schools partway through and didn’t make friends, then what.

You can have a great garden and space in a town. I think even moving closer to public transport links would make a big difference

DH had similar issues - he and DS adapted well to challenge of moving at sensitive ages however there were lifelong consequences to moving from a familiar environment with friends and a school he enjoyed. His 2 DBs fared less well emotionally with the moving Having seen how it impacted on them in profound ways and really continues to affect their whole emotional and working lives I have decided for us on balance it’s just safer and kinder to stay put til DC at uni. What would be a lifestyle choice for us may end up as an adverse childhood experience and even a trauma for DC.

@thelobsterquadrille so the OP should just endure another decade of this , as long as she’s let off a bit of the driving?? There’s more to it!

We live in a rural area. More than 3 miles from the school. My primary school age kids get the school bus from our front door every day so no school run for me!

For secondary school they will have to walk/bike to the nearby village for the secondary bus. Fortunately it’s about 10 min or a 2 min drive.

im fully aware I’ll be driving them around loads once they’re older, but I lived in a city growing up, and my parents still drove me around a fair bit. Also there are a lot of similar age kids in our area, so I’m really hoping we can share the lifts

Definitely apply for the job OP. I don’t know if I’d move the whole family or just work away a night a week

At the children’s ages I’d consider doing it now rather than waiting if you want to make a big move. It’s much harder when in the later years at secondary. A move now will give the children time to make new friends before the exam and teen years. Driving children about gets worse before it gets better.

I’m rural with a bus route so getting them to school isn’t a problem it’s evenings and weekends I have to take them places. My 16yo wants a job and the reality is I’ll have to at least pick her up depending on what she gets because of poor public transport. Until she is driving I’m tied to helping her and then her younger sister. If we lived in
town it would be less of
an issue.

The eldest school bus is a ten minute drive from home. Your DH could drop them off and collect them. It would only take forty minutes from his day. He wouldn't need to work for 4-8 hours at the weekend to catch up. Part of the reason you ended up living in the middle of nowhere was because of his job. He has to put more effort into ferrying everyone about.

I wouldn’t move personally. Moving schools is traumatic.

It really isn't for most children, growing up with a depressed parent would have a much more enduring impact I can assure you.

@Foofedifiknow i completely agree with you. People often underestimate the impact of moving in Dc. Another PP said that @OpheliaPlum should consider how adaptable their older dc are and how easy they find it to make friends. A small town/ large village within the secondary catchment could work, surely, if such a place exists.

IMHO she needs to move locally regardless of the job as life in that location with 3 teens with school, PT jobs, clubs, social life etc is logistically untenable even if the DH steps up.

Your kids love the life now. Very soon they will be teenagers and living rurally will suck. They will want to be able to get to town with their mates on frequent buses, not play with the ducks in your big garden.