To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

Do it!
A country setting sounds beautiful when the kids are toddlers and younger children. From 11 it’s hard work because they no longer want to be with their parents and actually NEED freedom to develop properly. Spending their entire teenage life in cars is far from ideal.
Then they hit 17 and get a driving license as soon as they can and the worry continues but about rural speeding and so on.
They are still very young and will adapt, especially once they see the advantages of a less rural setting.

This is a big decision which you can’t let an 8 year old make. You, as the adult, can look at all the factors involved. The driving will only get worse - meeting up with boy/girlfriends, going for their first poorly paid jobs where your time and petrol will hardly make it worthwhile etc.

What would you do if you had to move for DH’s job? You would make it work. The driving sounds exhausting.

Your kids want what they have always known, they don't know any better.

At that age, I'd be telling them we're moving, and helping them cope with the transition, not giving them a veto. They don't have the life experience to contribute an informed opinion. It's pure selfishness on their part, with a side order of fear.

Far healthier for them to have a happy, fulfilled, accomplished mother than a doormat who martyrs herself driving them around, subjugating their whims to her needs.

They're just at the age where they'll appreciate being more connected to friends and activities, and being able get there independently of you. As their parent, you have the wisdom and responsibility to make that decision for them. If they kick off about moving, I suggest you withdraw your driving services and let them understand how cut off they are currently.

Definitely apply for the job. Your DCs may enjoy living in countryside now but they will resent for it as they get older.

I agree with driving getting worse, they go to parties and want to stay out past midnight - don’t even give you an idea of time! So you end up staying up to get them.
DH loved he countrywide but I was raised in a big city

I made sure we moved close to the school shops and bus tours for the kids when they were older and they can walk or catch the bus

All this don’t move the schools - why not? They could attend a failing school now and not even realize there’s more opportunities in bigger schools? Or better clubs or more variety?

I think you need to research and do some fact finding

I’d go for it, in a few years that preteen will be complaining it’s boring where they live. He’s only just started secondary so plenty of time to make new friends etc. I have done the school run for 25yrs now and 16hrs a week is a lot. For me it’s around 4hrs a week which I get frustrated with some times but 16 is crazy and I couldn’t do my job properly. I already drive to school whilst on teams calls with headphones in or speaking to my staff on speaker phone when driving. So nope to 16hrs. I’d move - good luck

This needs to be a decision between you and your husband. Kids are too young to decide. If you can both wfh, why not focus on moving to the perfect place ie somewhere kids can be independent as they grow up, things that interest you and your husband, career opportunities if you need to find other work in the future, not too far from family etc. This is your final chance to do it without causing too much disruption.

I would pick my DH working a few hours at the weekend over what you're choosing at the moment. You're exhausted because you're choosing the most time-consuming options.

Surely the answer is DH does the primary school run (at least in the morning) then goes on to work. You drop the oldest at the bus stop and go to work yourself.

In the afternoons, you alternate to finish work early and pick youngest up from primary and eldest up from the bus stop, or use after school clubs or a childminder (if possible) for the youngest to extend your working days.

You should definitely definitely apply.

It's a tricky decision but until you have the job offer there's actually no decision to make - apply and cross that bridge if and when you get the job.

But definitely apply for it, it sounds like a great opportunity.

I’d try moving closer to the secondary or closer to where a bus for the secondary is.

what type of house would you get in the city compared to what you have now. We talking just smaller rooms and garden or children suddenly having to share bedrooms etc too.

we moved while my oldest was in year 8 he refused to move schools so now does an hour trip to school when it used to be 10 minutes, don’t under estimate how much certain children need that consistency with schooling and friends.

As your kids get older they will love being in a walkable town & having more independence to meet friends & do interesting things.

When I was 9 my family had the opportunity.to move to Los Angeles. I begged my parents not to make us move - I couldn’t imagine what a different life would be like. We didn’t go. A few years later when I was a miserable teenager in a picturesque rural backwater, always having to ask my embarrassing parents for lifts everywhere, I really wished we’d moved (and looked down on my parents, in typical shitty teenager fashion, for not having the balls to do it).

Have you spoken to the school about your transport issues?
We live rurally too and my nieces who live with their parents next door are picked up at the door and dropped off every day by school transport. It is a taxi bus just for them, paid by the council. Perhaps this could be an option? Councils usually have a fund for children who live rurally and not on a bus route.

How far do you live from this town? Is it commutable for you for part of the week?

Yes it does,it's awful.

I think there are 2 issues here;

1. you don’t like the location of your house. This one can be fixed without uprooting your family. Move to a house locally that is nearer the kids schools and means you don’t need to ferry them around as much. You get a better way of life and your family isn’t affected. Win win.

2. you have seen a new job but it’s 3 hours away. This one is more difficult as it would have a huge impact on your family. You could improve your quality of life, but by upsetting your kids. I don’t think I would do this. Once my family is rooted we are staying put in the general area we are in so careers requiring moving away will have to wait.

Agree expecting dc to just get used to it isn’t good

I would move and I think your DC would thank you for it in the long run. Is there a compromise of a semi-rural village alongside the new town though? (With good public transport).

Also, your children haven’t got any concept of what living in a town would be like and what benefits it could bring them in the long run so I’m afraid I would have to over rule that decision. I remember moving from a small70s box house to a massive Victorian house with huge gardens in the same village when I was 8. I didn’t want to move (why I don’t know). But we did and it was the new house best place to grow up. If my mum had listened to me, we’d still be in a 70s box!!!!

This is a good point, it’s usually if you live more than 3 miles away.

You would let you primary age child scoot to school on a 70mph country road with no pavements?

I moved the family to another country because I hated where we lived, which sounds rather like your situation. Go for it. Your life can’t be about other people.

I would suggest moving somewhere closer to the schools. Your kids are happy and being the new kid is really tough, especially for teenagers.

You can still have the country life in the edge of a large village or small market town. We have two active teenagers and my husband and I spend most evenings driving them to their activities and then hanging around for a couple of hours. We live in a market town with plenty going on, but their sports mean we need to drive into the city. I think the taxi of mum and dad is just the reality if you want to support them at this stage.

Get a small studio flat in the city or rent a room and stay there 2-3 nights a week.

Its time for your husband to step up and WFH / condensed hours / flexible hours / arrange childcare. You have been the main carer and put your life and career in hold for , what, 12 years to facilitate everyone else.

If you live that far from the schools the local authority will provide transport to and from home. There must be a safe walking route from your home to the transport pick up point.

If your children are at private schools then your hisband will need to arrange childcare / childminder for the younger one and transport for both, if they want to go onto living where they are.

Apply. You can decide once you have a job offer!

No. But equally if you are in a marriage and have children it can't just be about one person in that family either.