To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

Are the primary and secondary schools in walking distance of each other? I would at least move to the location of the secondary school so that your eldest can get himself to and from school.

Then I think try the job remotely, staying over a couple of nights a week. Teaching time is usually only around half of the year, so there must be scope to WFH for the remainder.

Even if you don't take the job, move to where the school/s, a shop, a pub are walkable.

So much info in the OP but only 3 points are critical to the decision.

OPs job/happiness
Oldest DC school
DH job/support - immediately a tick so down to the 2 points above

Younger children liking the life irrelevant. They will like it somewhere else/don't really understand/need to fit in to the overall needs of their parents/the family.

Your eldest DC has only just started and now is a good time to move. As someone who lives rurally it's only gets worse with lifts as they get older. Soon you won't be able to move as the others will be at secondary and eldest will be doing GCSEs. It's move now or you'll be stuck/in a way worse situation in a couple of years. And you will regret not going for the job.

Where is the secondary school? I would move to whichever town it was in or nearest to. I honestly think you would feel entirely differently if dh could get himself to the station and older dc could either walk or jump on a bus to school. I think the job is a red herring. I’ve had loads of jobs, some better than others and unless the money is amazing they are not worth uprooting everyone’s life for. However, what your doing at the moment sounds awful and isolated and must change, but your current suggested solution is a bit drastic.

I wouldn't uproot my children from their school but would look to move somewhere more central if you are that unhappy

The driving is likely to get to be more as they get more into the teen years. We did a big move because of unsustainable commutes. Some kids found it great, others found it hard, but we looked at the big picture and knew it had to happen. My only regret is not doing it sooner. It's your and DH's job to weigh the options and decide. Your children can have a opinion for you to consider, but it's not their decision.

Apply for the job and see where that takes you. The advice here about waiting for your children to finish A levels may not work - one of mine did an apprenticeship rather than 6th form, so we're more tied now than when they were at school.

If eldest dc has only just moved to high school so we qre just talking year 7 then I would move.

Your first two paragraphs are exactly how two lots of my close friends live. It seems like they live in a rural idle but I actually think lockdown is the first time they were able to enjoy having countryside on their doorstep as they are always driving here, there n everywhere! Weekends visiting them absolutely exhaust me and their kids are always tired and have no freedom to get anywhere on their own now they’re older. I would move, I don’t see how that lifestyle benefits anyone.

I agree with this. I grew up in the arse end of nowhere for my teenage years. My parents were good about giving me lifts when they could (both worked), but I was still very isolated. The only bus was the school bus. Once I was home at 4.30, there was no chance of seeing my friends, no shops, nothing to do. I could walk from our door, but there was nowhere to go. Same at weekends. Meanwhile, my mates who lived in the town were all out, having fun together.

Your DC may complain now, if you move, but they will thank you when they're a bit older. Do it.

And once they are teens they will thank you

Why can't DH look to change his hours so that he does his share of the school runs?

I don't think the problem is really where you live, it's the fact that you do everything and facilitate everyone else - you do two school runs and drop your DH to the station every single day - that's just silly and would drive you mad no matter where you lived.

DH needs to adapt and help you - he can't just disappear off to work and leave everything else to you when you also work full time - there's no balance.

We live in a small town with easy access to countryside. We can go for a walk and be in fields/footpaths within a mile. My DC can walk to their school (secondary) and get the train - we're less than a mile from a station - to other larger towns with better facilities/shops for teens. Having dogs, rabbits and chickens would be entirely feasible.
I would say apply and see what happens and explore areas that might suit. Pps have suggested staying away for the 2 nights but would your husband be supportive/able to do 3 hours of school runs per day? That's quite a chunk of time to find within a working day

The Dc wouldn’t enjoy it half as much if you stopped driving them everywhere for an insane amount of time every week. You wanted this life for them, but public transport closures and traffic changes mean it’s not the life you bought into, explain that to them and apologise and move I think.

If you get the job just do 2-3 days a week in the city and be home the rest of the time - it’s not all or nothing. In a few years all your kids will be at secondary and you can use the private bus. And then a few years after that they’ll all be off and you can go wherever you like!

Could you not move into the village so DS can walk to the bus stop as they get older and would give you the option of going to the village pub for coffee. We are rural but don't have the life you describe, DS walks to the shop as we picked somewhere on the edge of a very small town, yes we drive for shopping etc, we still spend Saturday and Sundays dropping him here there and everywhere I'm afraid. House work gets done on a night during the week so say he has football on a Sunday we drop him off and go get a take out coffee then go watch the game together.

You have happy kids
dont underestimate
,how much unhappy kids impact on parents mental health
as a parent ,your only as happy as your unhappiest child ..
we could of moved ,but didn’t once they hit secondary school ,to have a child happy in secondary school ,is like gold dust ,

Six years is soon?

I think it's hard on secondary age pupils to move them. Is there a compromise like moving closer to a less rural house in your area so you don't have to do as much driving?

My brother moved from a remote village (one bus a day) to the nearest market town once the eldest went to high school there. Regular buses and trains to nearest city etc. It was a compromise for everyone in some ways but has worked out so much better for them all in the long run.

Yes this 100%

As a child who got moved about a lot, they don’t ‘get used to it’. It sucks, absolutely sucks.

And I would absolutely move

Can your kids not get free school transport if you’re that rural?
Can your DH cycle to the station instead? Or get a cheap runaround car?
If neither option works, in your position I’d probably just move nearer the town

YANBU for wanting to move but I do think YABU for apparently discussing this with your still quite young DC before you've done more research into your options and between you and DH landed on your preferred course of action.
Now you've just put additional pressure on yourself as DC will be asking questions and will no doubt be feeling anxious and uncertain.
You seem to think applying for the job makes some kind of commitment, it doesn't. Just apply and see what happens.
FWIW completely agree with PP that you should move and your teenage DC will thank you.

Thank you for all the suggestions and advice and various combinations of what we could do as trials/ compromises. I’m making a big list to discuss with DH.

For those asking, he could drive to the station but as it’s in the general direction of DC primary I drop him. We have tried campaigning for several years via the council for the bus route to be reopened. It was run by a private company and apparently there isn’t demand. Ditto safe cycle routes. DH and I have spent a lot of time on this campaign and it has felt frustrating, especially with the new cuts.

When my DH does school runs he is later to work and spends a lot of the weekend (4-8 hours) making this work up which puts even more pressure on me, so it’s the best of those two options.