To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

Your children are too young to make this choice. They also like it now but it's only because you facilitate it all for them.

Go for the job.

As a kid who constantly moved due to parents jobs I became miserable and really struggled to make new friends. So I kids don’t always adapt easily. Fitting in in a new school can be a really tough thing to do.

So I would stick it out for 5 years then move.

Apply for the job. You might not get it.

In the meantime, take the kids to see the things available in the area that you would move to. Let them see the positives there. If they don't know the area, they won't want to move. If they can see the potential for a good life there, they might be more open to it.

I don’t blame you for wanting to move (I would too) but can’t you stay in your local area but move to a larger village with amenities or a small town?

I also hate WFH so I totally relate on that too but there must be at least some other options nearby which would be less isolating?

When one of the children will be 13? That’ll be hard on that child. I’d look into moving sooner rather than later if you decide to do that. Apply for the job at the very least.

Ultimately children don't get to decide. A 3 year work contract is a good enough reason - kids of academics get used to this. I'm assuming you can afford a decent place to live, just it won't be rural? We turned down a job in London for instance because we couldn't afford a decent place to live.

My advice is apply, you haven't got the job yet, it might be a case of you don't get it but at least you tried, but if you get it the kids will adapt and the elder might quickly realise the advantages once she makes friends, she can get herself about!

Personally living rural having to drive everywhere is my idea of hell.

Could you move somewhere that was closer to a town but the dc could stay in schools?

I’m going against the majority here and think you probably shouldn’t move your children. They like their life. Being settles and happy in a new secondary school is so important and their home life sounds lovely.

However, it’s really not ok for you to be struggling on like this. Could your husband switch jobs to something more wfh so you could work away at the new job 2-3 days during the week? Maybe just for the actual student contact time but continue to do your own practical
work at the shared space you already use?

Living in/near a town really isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be with children. You will still need to ferry them around a fair bit. Also, you will have to put a fair bit of effort into resettling them and helping them with friendships etc.

If it were me, I might be calculating a move when my youngest was in sixth form or had finished sixth form (by then they might be happy to move to a town for a new sixth form place maybe) and reframe this as this period of time the priority is family life and children. So how can we make this work where we are. Are there any activities you can cull at weekends to give you more time together for example? Are there any other families who might be driving close to you in the morning who you could share lift with?

If you thought “ok, we will stay but we need to make changes”, what would those changes be? Could you think it through as a whole family? And then see if those changes are enough to help you feel happy to stay for the time being?

I understand why you’d leap at the new job. It does sound amazing. But as you say, HE is not necessarily the most stable at the moment. If I were you I might try to plan for 2-3 nights away every month to stay somewhere that brings you more alive - that might help, if it’s regular enough, to keep you feeling more like you rather than just a parent taxi! (I mean staying with friends in any town or city that’s not too far away that has things going on that you love/connect to work)

Ooo. I missed a detail. I was meaning whenever the kids won’t need to move schools. I missed the exact ages.

By the way, I was married to an academic so we moved every 3 years for a while, friends the same

Surely the dc will get annoyed at the isolation as they get older & want to be more independent & spend time with friends?

I would move locally so the children stay at their schools but you are all less isolated.

personally I would try something of a compromise. Maybe moving to the town where the children go to school/ where the oldest child can see friends independently. Apply for the job and mix travel/wfh if possible.

can you stop some of the weekend activities now. I would not spend all weekend dropping kids places and waiting about. That does sound miserable. Also as someone else said, if the partner has said he could WFH why can’t he do that now to split up some of the school drop offs. What I’m saying is isn’t there somethings Ty can change now.

Yep quite q while to wait,before dc can drive Ithink . Maybe as you say you could work away a few days a week .your dc would probably be OK with a school move,however you would be able to keep them at their school and have some better quality of life.

I personally would try to avoid moving children from a school they like and are happy at. But I would try to find a way to have my cake by getting the job. Eventually it is your passport to moving back somewhere you like. I'd also do as much as possible to introduce your children to a sixth form somewhere else...

With the rest of it... look to make contact with other families to share lifts. Contact your councillor and campaign to get the bus back. Anything that will engage you in a fight to improve things.

As the child who grew up rurally like this, please move! Apply for that job and run like the wind to a more urban life if you're accepted!

Yes, living rurally can be amazing for primary aged kids, but once they hit their teens in secondary school, they will want to, and should be able to, freely do things on their own without you. It'll be so good for their development.

Being a teenager in such a small rural area definitely did nothing for my mental health-I felt so trapped and escaped as soon as I could!

I could have written this! My rural home was very lovely but the isolation, constant driving (everywhere, no pavements at my old place either) and boredom really wore me down. I became very miserable. My family were okay because I gave up my life to cart them everywhere, my husband spent a lot of time traveling with work and in the city. I moved everyone and after six months in a rented house in town we have just moved into our own central town house. Everyone loves it! My husband let his beloved vegetable garden go and we have a courtyard garden. The children are very near parks to socialise in (we always bump into school friends who we can now invite back home), we all walk out for breakfast and supper. My steps have quadrupled! My oldest goes out shopping to meet friends alone and my school run is seven minutes! I have a life now. I love popping to the shops and nipping out for a quick cocktail or coffee. The children are so happy and my husband enjoys being with us all instead of the journeys separating us. I can now see how hard the isolation was for me and how deeply unhappy I really was, worse than I realised. This has been the best decision I have ever made, I am definitely a townie that enjoys a few countryside weekends and not the other way around. Apply for the job and see if you get it! Good luck.

I think that if you stay, get a second car and your DH does the primary school run, and you drop off at the bus stop for the older.

However, I think moving is a much better long term plan. My kids would have loved living the way you are when they were little, but would have despised it as teenagers. I have cousins who grew up isolated like that and they absolutely hated it and moved away as soon as they could, but that only transpired when they were teens.

Have your kids visited the town you want to move to? If not, they need to. Make sure you plan well ahead of it though, so that you see as much of what is on offer for them when you go there. It can be scary to move to a new place, so it needs to not be this abstract town that seems unknown and scary.

The problem isn’t the rural living, it’s the lack of support you have from your husband. You seem to be at everyone’s beck and call for lifts. How would they all get to their respective schools and his work if you couldn’t drive? Where are you as a person in all of this?
From Monday, all lifts for the DC split 50/50. He gets himself to the station. You do your share, but no more. They’ve all taken you for a mug and you need to break free!

I think you should do it. We moved our kids internationally - twice - due to my DH's job. I really think you only need to be settled for year 9 onwards. My kids had to work to settle in but they have been great every time, even though there was initial discontent.

We live in a small city where we all walk everywhere. My kids walk to school, to their friend's houses, into the city to hang out, my DH walks to the train, I walk to my job (also at a uni!). Every day I am walking around I am so thankful for my life here.

Kids will always resist change, and come to think about it so will adults unless they are desperate. I think the independence your kids will gain from being in a town / city will be worth it for them - it is up to you as a parent to see this and make the decision for them and you.

Apply! You might not even get it :-) But you very well might, and this means the stars have aligned. Your kids will be OK.

You need to apply for the job and decide bout moving if you get it. Your opinions and wellbeing is not less important than other members of your family. The odds of your kids finding new friends in a new location is much higher than you finding equally exciting career opportunity in 5-10 years' time.
There is also an option of you living locally to your new jobs part time and wfh for the rest of the week.
Do not disregard your interests

I would hate everything about living in the countryside and it sounds like the op does too. It's not really relevant that you like it, you're not living her life

The compromise would be moving close to the senior school. What’s that area like?

I feel your pain, we moved rurally when the children were young and spent years driving to school (much les than 90 minutes though). We now live on the edge of a small town close to school and we’re all much happier.

Children often object to change but when it happens deal with it well. You’ll have a few weeks of upheaval but they will settle and find new friends. They’re young. You can’t continue to live in a place which makes you so unhappy because you don’t want to temporarily upset them. If it happens and they realise it’s actually fine, it’s a good lesson for them that change can be uncomfortable but it’s not a disaster.

Your DC don't know any different. It will be tough for DC1 having already started secondary school and at a stage where he is no doubt beginning to feel settled there but, having grown up rurally, I can't think of anyone who wasn't thrilled when their parents moved somewhere a bit more central or didn't long for that to happen.