Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Assault at school - need objective opinions

226 replies

BecauseICan22 · 18/11/2022 21:25

My DC is in Yr10 at school. There was an incident in the school lunch hall where my DC and her best friend were assaulted. This began with the throwing of food and then escalated to them both having empty water and fizzy drink bottles thrown at them, one of which caught my DC in the face and also her friend who ended up injured and had to go to the hospital. My DC was sore but nothing serious. The lunch hall was absolutely full and not one person spoke up and some people were even handing bottles back to the boys in question so they could keep throwing them.

It has also transpired that the boys in question have been targeting my DC in her classes (she shares quite a few with them) and saying things to her about 'sucking dick', 'grabbing tits' etc - all being said to her and about her. She said this has made her feel dirty.

The school have sanctioned some of the boys and the othes have been allowed back into lessons, 1 of which is with my DC where she sits next to him and she had to be in that lesson with him today. The schools response is he didn't actually do anything and he was merely a witness.

My heart is breaking for my DC but also for her lovely friend and all the other children that have to go through this shit at school.

I am going to make a police report and I'll be talking with her head of year on Monday. I have no issue with her teachers, they work hard and try their best - it's certain disgusting students that are at fault. This all happened yesterday and so I'm not really sure what to do next.
Can anyone advise?
Offer insight?
I want to do more than talk to the school and go to the police. I want to empower the quiet kids to speak up, to understand they don't have to put up with this and to make it so that the voices of the victims are louder than the voices of the perpetrators. But how?

My DC said to me tonight that she's become numb to the sexualised commentary and behaviours - it's just how it is. This kills me.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:18

@Glassslapper - if a man in my workplace suggested I wanted to suck his dick, I would be sending it to HR and he would likely be sacked. You are suggesting a lesser standard for a child that is younger and more vulnerable.

Likewise throwing something at me. If a guy throws something at me, that is a threat.

It's not unrealistic to expect boys to know this is not allowed.

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 18:25

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:18

@Glassslapper - if a man in my workplace suggested I wanted to suck his dick, I would be sending it to HR and he would likely be sacked. You are suggesting a lesser standard for a child that is younger and more vulnerable.

Likewise throwing something at me. If a guy throws something at me, that is a threat.

It's not unrealistic to expect boys to know this is not allowed.

Yep, that’s work, not school. For example if I turned up late to work a lot I’d be sacked, the same doesn’t apply at school you don’t get expelled for poor attendance.

there are many thing that are kind of expected at some level at school that wouldn’t be acceptable in work.

Weird comparison to draw quite frankly

Also throwing a cup…big whoop. Goodness you can tell most on here we’re the picked on kids at school

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:36

Okay nice trolling but basically I didn't have either of these things happen to me at school because it wasn't run by idiots.

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 18:38

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:36

Okay nice trolling but basically I didn't have either of these things happen to me at school because it wasn't run by idiots.

It’s not trolling to call out a silly equivalence.

Comparing school to the workplace just shows how weak your position is.

This is pretty ‘normal’ levels of general teasing, at worst bullying which should be dealt with alongside school policy.

To report to the police is absolutely ridiculous, you should hear what many teenage girls say to each other, but of course posters on here make this a feminist issue

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:41

Actually, it's apt. But you know that I think.

It is trolling because you want posters to get emotive. A good school doesn't let this happen and sets a standard.

A bad school doesn't.

purpleboy · 06/12/2022 18:42

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 17:41

It feels like you are purposely blowing this up OP.

Calling the police would achieve nothing, it’s actually slightly concerning you think that’s even an appropriate route to take.

This is playground bullying, not assault.

What you could channel your energy into is maybe developing some resilience and confidence in your DD so this pretty tame behaviour is easier for her to deal with in the moment

We've found the parent of these vile kids. No wonder when adults have attitudes like this, that their children follow with disgusting attitudes.

In all seriousness, I do hope to god you don't have children.

MichelleScarn · 06/12/2022 18:44

×××××× wants to get on her knees and suck ××××××’s dick’.

That I’d be happy to ‘play with ××××××s dick’.

That ×××××× wants to ‘grab ××××××s small ass tits’.

That ‘××××× wants to finger you ×××××××’.

That ‘you should both get into bed together so ×××××× can touch you up’.

Sometimes to disguise what they were saying to ××××× and I, they would use other words in place of actual anatomical names. They would refer to ×××××’s penis as ‘meat’ and my breasts as ‘melons’.

@Glassslapper you are calling the above 'General teasing'?! Seriously?

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:44

Well clearly the idea is to get people all riled up.

But really, who wants to argue for "suck my dick" being playground bants?

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:45

Ignore I think. Sounds trollish

MichelleScarn · 06/12/2022 18:46

You're right @LexMitior need to ignore!

teablanket · 06/12/2022 18:53

Either a troll or the parent of a similarly charming boy. Grotesque.

OP, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. It's completely unacceptable.

Smearywindowsagain · 06/12/2022 18:53

Secondary schools are dangerous toxic places. I’ve worked in many. I absolutely dread sending my dd. She’s having such a lovely experience at primary and it’s going to be a terrible shock

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 18:59

MichelleScarn · 06/12/2022 18:44

×××××× wants to get on her knees and suck ××××××’s dick’.

That I’d be happy to ‘play with ××××××s dick’.

That ×××××× wants to ‘grab ××××××s small ass tits’.

That ‘××××× wants to finger you ×××××××’.

That ‘you should both get into bed together so ×××××× can touch you up’.

Sometimes to disguise what they were saying to ××××× and I, they would use other words in place of actual anatomical names. They would refer to ×××××’s penis as ‘meat’ and my breasts as ‘melons’.

@Glassslapper you are calling the above 'General teasing'?! Seriously?

Yes, it’s clear most of you haven’t been through an average secondary school in the past 15 years.

It’s common from both boys and girls.

GriseldaClement · 06/12/2022 19:00

Hi, I’m going to say that as a teacher my advice is to ring the boroughs local designated safeguarding officer - known as the LADO. You can complain directly to them about the school’s failure to safeguard your daughter. They will then inform the school a complaint has been made and the school will have to answer for their frankly woeful processes. I did this recently and the school bucked their ideas up no end! I’m so sorry your daughter has to suffer this harassment in a place where she should be safe.

Glassslapper · 06/12/2022 19:01

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 18:44

Well clearly the idea is to get people all riled up.

But really, who wants to argue for "suck my dick" being playground bants?

Objectively it is, unfortunately it’s clear many on here have no objectivity or experience with this. Understandable considering the average age of those posting on AIBU combined with a recent post where hundreds on this topic said they were the weird kids in school…

Georgeskitchen · 06/12/2022 19:01

JaninaDuszejko · 19/11/2022 00:31

This is atrocious advice. The OP wants to stop male violence, not perpetuate it.

Show quote history

Bullshit. Little bastards like this need a bloody good hiding, that's the only language they understand. Not nimby party " let's sit down and talk it through"
We've all seen how that usually goes.......nowhere at all!!

Georgeskitchen · 06/12/2022 19:02

*Namby pamby

LexMitior · 06/12/2022 19:03

Just shift to a decent school OP. I am guessing the sixth form is nothing to write home about either.

PenOrPencil · 06/12/2022 19:11

This is a school culture problem and as a pp pointed out, Ofsted are hot on child on child abuse. The school must take active steps to work against this and come up with actions (not just a strategy on paper!) to change the school culture.

Dittosaw · 06/12/2022 19:15

Boys are treated badly too though. They regularly get told to kill themselves and suck a d and worse. It’s a never ending cycle. To an extent, any school is going to have this. What you need are teachers who take action and support you. Write to the governors and whoever else you need to until you get a result

Womencanlift · 06/12/2022 19:26

And is your DD and her friend still of the view that they shouldn’t be reported because it may ruin their future?

I am sorry but screw that OP. Compassion is an admirable quality for your DD to have but this is bigger than that. They are never going to change.

What happens when they get into a workplace and do this type of thing? Are more females lives going to be ruined because they were not held accountable before. As someone who has seen the impact of sexual harassment in the workplace I would really encourage your DD to take a stand now before there are more victims

There has to be consequences to actions and that’s on them to suffer and live with not your DD

SafariRushHour · 06/12/2022 19:41

BecauseICan22 · 06/12/2022 03:49

Update:

After various emails and 1 meeting with the school, reassurances that this is being taken seriously, the abusers have been sanctioned, parents spoken with and all 4 abusers are no longer sat behind or next to my DD in any of their shared lessons.

Last Friday, my DD came home distraught, saying she couldn't take it because one of her abusers, who she shares a lesson with, is STILL sat next to her, and he has now started copying her work. She told me,'What was the point in reporting any of this Mum? He's still sat next to me'. I waited until early Monday morning to email the school, I was too angry to do it on Friday.

Yesterday afternoon, a member of the SLT, the safeguarding lead, called me. Long and short of it is that the boy hadn't been moved from next to my DD because there hadn't been full disclosure between my DD's HoY that has been dealing with this and the teachers of those shared lessons.
She confirmed that my DD's teachers hadn't been told about the nature of the issue, just that there'd been a problem.
None of the teachers in the affected lessons had even read my DD's statements, one of which is also her form tutor.
I asked why all relevant staff weren't made aware of the abuse? She said there was no need for them to know!!!!!!! My DD has been suffering sexual abuse/harassment in her lessons with her teachers present for 4 months now, and yet there's no need for these teachers to know!!???? The safeguarding lead was condescending and not at all understanding. I have now asked for a face to face meeting with the principal and the SLT team.

How is this OK????

This is an extract of my DD's statement regarding the sexual abuse/harassment.

Tell me that this isn't serious enough to notify all staff and to get one of her abusers moved from next to her instantly.

###########################

All 4 boys would laugh and make the following comments:

×××××× wants to get on her knees and suck ××××××’s dick’.

That I’d be happy to ‘play with ××××××s dick’.

That ×××××× wants to ‘grab ××××××s small ass tits’.

That ‘××××× wants to finger you ×××××××’.

That ‘you should both get into bed together so ×××××× can touch you up’.

Sometimes to disguise what they were saying to ××××× and I, they would use other words in place of actual anatomical names. They would refer to ×××××’s penis as ‘meat’ and my breasts as ‘melons’.

I want to add that there is not a ××××× lesson that I can recall where some form of sexual harassment or verbal abuse has not taken place towards me by these boys. These comments have all been made to me during the lesson and often in the middle of the lesson. ×××××× (teacher) is always present but is either helping someone with a ×××××××× (subject) problem or is otherwise out of earshot. But ×××××× is present in the classroom whenever these things are being said to me. The comments are said to me loudly enough so that I and ×××××× can hear them, and I am sure other students can hear them too.

I have not spoken up about what has been happening to me because my genuine feeling and understanding of school life now is that nothing would change. These boys would not stop or learn and move on, they would simply carry on. I have been worried that there wouldn’t be a severe enough sanction to make them stop and that things would then get worse for me. I also feel that even if I spoke up, because this kind of sexual harassment and abuse is all over the school and I see and hear it happen to other people all the time, no one would care about what was happening to me. This kind of behaviour is normalised in our school, and I have become numb to it.

My teachers all have a hard job as it is because our year group is so disruptive. I often feel that the teachers don’t have the time or energy to stop and listen and do something about what has been happening. If I was to speak up, I would be making reports every single day.

I work in an education setting with many day to day safeguarding issues. Yes information should be shared on a need to know basis but this definitely is something the teachers need to know so that they can safeguard your daughter. Put in a formal complaint to the school and LA, the safeguarding leads failure to communicate has hindered resolution and made schooling unbearable for your DD.

SafariRushHour · 06/12/2022 19:42

Formal complaint to LADO

LadyRoughDiamond · 06/12/2022 19:50

Have you considered contacting OFSTED? A serious complaint like this could trigger an inspection - a good thing by the sounds of things as their KCSIE processes sound negligent.

pigalow27 · 06/12/2022 20:13

I'm am on the SLT of a high school. OFSTED are now taking the sexualised harassment of students very seriously since the Everyone's Invited movement. What you recount is a massive safeguarding concern. Schools and workplaces have a duty to keep people safe. It is clear that your DD and her friend are not being kept safe. I would be trying to scare the shit out of the school as serious safeguarding concerns of any kind result in a school being placed in special measures. The incident in the canteen sounds akin to a riot. These boys sound utterly out of control and the school needs to be putting in place the strongest sanctions.