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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

378 replies

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:45

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshit · 19/11/2022 05:58

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 21:01

I don't resent the pick up and I've now planned for it. It's the fact that DH is so blasé about it, so he says it should be 8pm but what if it turns out to be 10pm or 12pm? He has the option of staying in hospital overnight but he says he doesn't want to do that.

Why do you keep ignoring when people tell you there is no way he can tell you what time he will be discharged. How do you expect him to know?

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/11/2022 05:58

With the taxi maybe it differs in different countries. I know in my experience they are absolutely strict on it.

But to all the pp giving op a hard time and accusing her of not caring about her husband. Grow the fuck up. He is a grown man having minor elective surgery. He isn’t a baby or child! He isn’t having major surgery! Why should he be pandered to at the expense of his wife and children.

I rarely ever see a wife or mum acting like that.

Poor man, wife doesn’t care about me because she wants to work out the logistics.

georgarina · 19/11/2022 06:02

Cantstandbullshit · 19/11/2022 05:58

Why do you keep ignoring when people tell you there is no way he can tell you what time he will be discharged. How do you expect him to know?

Show quote history

That's not the issue, it's the fact that he still expects OP to pick him up with the babies in those circumstances.

I think if this situation were reversed responses would be very different.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 19/11/2022 06:06

I had keyhole surgery this week so a fairly big op....
I explained my home situation and the nurse agreed to allow me to get a taxi so long as they walked me down and I had someone at the other end.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 19/11/2022 06:07

He's right tho. There is no way he can tell you when he'll be discharged, he isn't being an arse over anything.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 19/11/2022 06:14

I'm interested to know why he doesn't want to stay overnight. That being said, YABU and need to ride it out. It's one night. Reading between the lines, you seem quite detached from the relationship, which I can understand if he doesn't look after the kids (and possibly more).

anyolddinosaur · 19/11/2022 06:16

You are very obsessive about your routine. Your husband is having a general anaesthetic, they all carry a very small risk of death. Maybe being obsessive with routine is how you cope with anxiety but it is not coming across that way.

Your kids are good sleepers - get a babysitter.

Sleeping in hospital, even a private hospital, is not the same as being at home. Would he have to pay for the night or is insurance covering it? He might be unreasonable about not staying in but you are coming across as uncaring.

CarrieOnStop · 19/11/2022 06:17

Just tell him he has to stay overnight! His op has been moved to a PM slot through not fault of your own so surely that's the best option especially if it has been offered to him? If his op/recovery doesn't go to plan then chances are they would keep him in overnight anyway

CarrieOnStop · 19/11/2022 06:19

And no, he definitely wouldn't be allowed to take an Uber. When having elective surgery, it's made clear there must be someone to pick up and look after you after the op. They wouldn't let the op go ahead if they knew he had no-one to collect him.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 19/11/2022 06:20

I can imagine he might be anxious and it does come across as heartless, it is one day. When I was waiting to get discharged from hospital it took a long time waiting for meds.

Ladybug14 · 19/11/2022 06:25

I expect your DH is blasé because he's rarely if ever coped with the DCs bedtime

You've always done it

Time for you to stop enabling him

Notonationalism · 19/11/2022 06:30

Oblomov22 · 18/11/2022 20:51

1 day of kids, not having a bath won't kill them.

You don't drive there and then sit in the cold car park waiting. you wait until he is completely fully discharged and then he phoned you, you start driving and collect him. It's that easy. Your whole view of this is skewed.

Exactly this . It’s one night get over it and help the guy after his op

maryberryslayers · 19/11/2022 06:52

@Blackheath95 she'll likely have to deal with 2 grumpy, tired children all the next day, alone. Why should she? Just so he doesn't have to stay overnight?
Of course not, my husband is incredible, he'd sooner put himself out than our children, as would I.

CastleCrasher · 19/11/2022 06:57

You are massively overthinking this. Bathe the DC if you want (though missing it for one night is perfectly ok). Dress in PJ's and put to bed. Have cosy blankets in car to help keep them warm.
Get DH to call when he's actually on way for op, so you have an idea of likely discharge time. He calls again when he's discharged. Only then do you leave to collect him, he'll wait in the hospital until you and DC arrive, so they have minimum time in the car, he jumps in the car when you get there and you all go home.

girlmom21 · 19/11/2022 07:01

To be fair I don't see that the kids being put in the car when sleeping is any different to them being taken out the car when sleeping, which was your plan.

Roselilly36 · 19/11/2022 07:08

He’s your DH, it’s a one off situation, hospital won’t let him leave by taxi, it’s one night go and pick him up. Would he do the same for you OP? If so YABU.

Theredjellybean · 19/11/2022 07:11

I think you're being really rigid and unreasonable.
Even minor surgery carries risks, your dh might be feeling anxious and now pretty unsupported too.
Really does one night matter if the children are out of routine?
Plus this is elective planned surgery so you will have known about it for a while, yet you haven't made a plan... I'm always puzzled when people say there is no one to help out ..do you and dh literally know no one ..not a single family member who could come and stay the night, not a single friend from a playgroup who could babysit for an hr, your dh doesn't have a single mate or neighbour ?
And if not ,you could have looked for a baby sitting agency ?
You are making a mountain out of a molehill

Zeolitehg65 · 19/11/2022 07:12

Sorry but you are being unreasonable and very ott one night off routine and no bath isn’t going to harm anyone! Fgs he’s having an operation and he’s being told when to go in! Just be there for one day!

pilates · 19/11/2022 07:12

Has he not got a friend or family member that can collect him?

Victoriaplum81 · 19/11/2022 07:16

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:45

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

Feel like I could have written this a month ago. I have one child and my husband was having surgery and I needed to collect him.. also around bed time and about 30 mins away. However I made a point of wanting to get him and not expecting him to worry about a taxi or anyone else. He hasn’t given you a precise time because he doesn’t know! Mine called about 630pm and told me to leave then called again ten minutes later and repeated himself as he wasn’t with it still from anesthetic!

It’s a one off, your kids will be fine in the car.. with the heating on.. hardly going to freeze to death! I think you’re being unfair.

Victoriaplum81 · 19/11/2022 07:19

Ladybug14 · 19/11/2022 06:25

I expect your DH is blasé because he's rarely if ever coped with the DCs bedtime

You've always done it

Time for you to stop enabling him

Wow what an assumption! Maybe he’s blasé because it isn’t a big deal! Why does everyone always hate on men on here?

emmathedilemma · 19/11/2022 07:22

He won’t know what time he’s being discharged, it will depend where on the theatre list he is, how long the procedure takes, how long they want to keep an eye on him afterwards, if he needs any further investigations or tests (I had to wait for an X-ray after one procedure), how long it takes to get any meds from the pharmacy…….etc……he’s an arse, he just doesn’t know!!

CookPassBabtridge · 19/11/2022 07:48

It's one night. Your kids will love the night time adventure! I had an op recently and the kids loved being in the car in their pyjamas, blankets and midnight snacks. When I was discharged I rang and waited half an hour to be picked up.

georgarina · 19/11/2022 07:48

Victoriaplum81 · 19/11/2022 07:19

Wow what an assumption! Maybe he’s blasé because it isn’t a big deal! Why does everyone always hate on men on here?

Show quote history

Read OP's posts...

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 19/11/2022 08:04

Not sure what you expect him to do OP? It's surgery not a hairdresser appointment, he's at the mercy of a number of many things and will have no idea when he will be discharged. Last time I had surgery I went down 4 hours later than planned as they changed the order on the day. You are just going to stress yourself out over something he can't possibly know the answer to.

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