Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

[Unicornenthusiast]

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

1 day of kids, not having a bath won't kill them.

You don't drive there and then sit in the cold car park waiting. you wait until he is completely fully discharged and then he phoned you, you start driving and collect him. It's that easy. Your whole view of this is skewed.

^This. YABU to prioritise the dc's routine over absolutely anything else and to expect it never to be disrupted for any reason. Your dh is having a GA. He needs you to pick him up. If the children are out of routine for one evening, so what?

Put the kids to bed as us usual and then when he calls put them in the car and go, not ideal but manageable. Give him a cut off time, eg if he's not out by 23.00 he stays in.

Why can’t he just call OP when he has been discharged? Or will the snowflake melt if he has to wait 30 minutes?

He can't control the timings so probably just needs you to say that you will muddle along and pick him up. No it won't be convenient but there isn't any options. It sounds like you are being a bit of an arse about it. Your kids will have a disrupted bedtime and sleep on one night for unavoidable circumstances.

Agreed. One day /night with no bath and a crap bedtime routine will not break good habits.

Just pick him up
Don't stress him out
It's very scary having a GA for most of us
I've had six and I'm still terrified

Just put the kids to bed and when you get a text pop them in the car

They can skip a bath tonight if it feels too much for you

@HuggsBosom

Why can’t he just call OP when he has been discharged? Or will the snowflake melt if he has to wait 30 minutes?

He can. Nobody has suggested otherwise. OP said she would have to put the kids to bed and get them up later OR sit in the car park.

OP can easily choose not to sit in the car park.

He is being rendered unconscious today, you are not so suck it up. But agree he should ring you after discharge and wait 30min so you're not hanging around a carpark for an indefinite (ly long( amount of time).

No Op you do NOT need to give them a bath. One night of skipping bath, a messed up routine does not break habits. It like you or I staying up until 3am. Yep we’ll feel crap the next day and cranky, but going to bed on time the following night and getting full nights sleep will sort it out. I am a control freak and of the age when I put my kids through controlled crying techniques to establish sleep routine and even I think you are being pretty silly and self absorbed. This is about you and not the kids. There will be lots of times you need to flex the kids routines over next 18 years and you have to start to learn to adapt by thinking about how to mitigate the effects- avoidance is not possible.

you say it’s a minor op. But it is a GA - that’s why he must have someone collect him. They can only discharge him same day becuase he has someone at home and the staff are sort of assuming you’ll care enough to ensure you are doing all the practice things required. The reason they can’t give you a time is that they’ll need to see he can stand, pee etc before they release him and everyone reacts differently to GA. I’ve been kept in overnight before now as I didn’t react well, other times I’ve been fine. You can stamp your feet as much as you like but this will not change. If they tell you a time they’ll be lying

if I had a GA I’d be pretty pissed off that my partner did not collect me. GA are one of the most life threatening thing about most OPs. If he’s anxious currently this is why. Even after things have gone well, He’ll still have the anaesthesia in his blood for 48 hours after. He’ll be exhausted by it, not be able to think properly and not in any fit state to mess around worrying about getting a taxi home. He could get a taxi, but it is not like he’s had a local anaesthetic- this is a extremely powerful set of drugs and he’ll be wobbly. Never mind he wouldn’t have eaten anything substantial for 18 hours by then . All he will want, completely reasonably, is that magically someone will take him form hospital to his own familiar bed as soon as possible.

FGS, I’ve just collected an acquaintance from hospital following cataract surgery under local. It was bad timing for op and her normal support circle wasn’t available. I offered to collect her, take her home, ensure she had a hot meal that evening and stay until her bedtime with her. As the hospital were saying she needed. I had to change my routine, cancel something- but I hope that she’ll do same for me in my hour of need. So be careful Op, next time you in hospital how would you feel if DH said you had to get there and back by taxi. .

Also, prepare yourself OP, as he will be exhausted for 48 hours probably. Not up to doing much. And , if like many people and me, he’ll be a miserable sod for no reason - many people become depressed, weepy and inexplicably morose after GAs. It wears off - but he will need sleep to get the GA out of his system. You will need to provide support for him, accept he’ll be a grump and too tired to do anything and cut him some slack fr that first 48 hours. That means you’ll be managing the kids by yourself for 3 days in total. Tough- that’s what parents do who work as a team. You can then expect him to do the same for you when you have similar needs.

Yy to this^^ - I was a mess for a few days after my GA, and I didn’t even have anything really done to me - just a simple coil change, no wound. But I was physically and mentally destroyed for a couple of days.

I’m sorry but you’re being a bit unreasonable. Fill your children full of breast milk/milk/toast/bananas and pop them in their PJs and in their car seats with their stuffed toys and drive. They will fall asleep. Job done. Babies adapt and they will be fine. Your husband needs you and it’s a one off.

I bet he opts to stay in overnight now.

Exactly this

Overreacting massively

I think you are overthinking this. It's so easy to do when your sleep hinges on the routine of your little ones. I was the same.

You are fortunate it's a private hospital as he will get his room until you arrive so he can wait in comfort and you don't have to rush.

If it's late once he gives you the discharge time, at this point you can start to organise the children.

I'd start the car if it's on your driveway and safe, and get the heaters going. Put the children in car seats and wrap them up.

If he calls in the middle of your teatime routine then he can wait comfortably in hospital. You can get them in their PJ's and into the car and go when it works for you.

I was last on the afternoon list for minor surgery recently. I had a longer recovery that expected but was discharged at 6.30. The day staff will be finishing so unless there are significant complications I would think the very latest he'd be collected would be between 6-7.

Yes it's a minor disruption to your usual routine. The children will cope. Get some warm blankets in the car for them.

I think you're being selfish. It's one night and they will probably sleep through. If I was having an operation and my partner was moaning about picking me up I'd be very hurt.

Babe... with all respect he's having surgery. He doesn't know exactly when he will be discharged it's not a perfect science. For one evening you're going to need to break the routine a bit to collect your recently cut open husband from hospital.

You're being a bit nasty imo.

What a bonkers thread and fuss over nothing. I would certainly expect my spouse to collect me.

Also sorry but do you even love him? Why are you angry and torn up about your kids bedtime routine being disturbed for one night rather than wanting your husband to be safe and feel comfortable at home after surgery?

will need to bath and dress the children in the pjs before I leave the house so I can just put them straight to bed when we get home. Just bath them early or (and I know I'll probs be flamed for saying this) just put them in their jammies. Missing a bath won't make a jot of difference.

It works fine if we know the exact time, but if it's an hour or two later then it'll get quite tricky I genuinely can't see anything remotely "tricky" about it other than you falling over yourself to make it all sound difficult when it isn't.

Also the hospital, if it's anything like thw one in my area, won't care at all if he leaves in a taxi. All they care about is getting the bed back. They discharged a gentleman onto the street as he was homeless, after a leg amputation with no aftercare at all.

If I were the husband, I'd opt to stay overnight.

Then, I'd use that time to review my relationship with OP.

Exactly this!!

Just to clarify, I've never said that I'm not willing to collect him or that I won't collect him, of course I will. We ended up in an argument because he wouldn't consider the possibility of staying overnight if things got significantly delayed. He was also offended when I suggested that he wouldn't necessarily keep me updated, he has a history of falling asleep on trains and planes and not actually telling me when to expect to pick him up.

I am probably too strict about bedtime routine, but that's how I've survived as a mother these past years. Dh only started helping with bath time when I was heavily pregnant with DS and was physically struggling. Quite often I do the whole double bath and bed time on my own.

FYI for anyone who thinks I'm a cold and uncaring wife, DH went through the procedure about 6 years ago and he was out and about doing gardening the same day. He's having a blockage cleared from his sinus, so basically something inserted into his nose, no scalpels involved. We're not sure why he actually needs GA for this, possibly just to make him comfortable so they can get the right angle. He's not remotely worried about it and I'm not really worried about it. I sat in the hospital the whole time last time, and overall he had a way way easier time than I did with my two emcs and significant blood loss. He's planning to go back to work on Monday.

We both had stressful weeks, DH at work and I looking after a projectile vomiting DD who is on day 3 of a 5 day course of antibiotics for a chest infection. That probably didn't help.

You are the one making this into a problem. It's not. It's one night out of your life. Calm down and just deal with it.

Nothing I've ever read on MN has made me appreciate my DH and my life more than this. It sounds completely shit, why do you put up with it? I actually almost laughed in disbelief that he only started bathing his child when you becsme physically incapable. Why allow this? If your H falls asleep and doesn't tell you when his train gets in then surely he just has to wait until you are able to pick him up after it arrives? Why inconvenience yourself for someone who is happy to watch you struggle and suffer?

Kudos to you, OP, for returning to the thread despite all the flak you've been getting! I hope it goes smoothly tonight.