Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

DS was quite often mistaken for a girl even when wearing mainly blue when he was little. Even had a woman ask me whether I was sure he was a boy whilst peering into his pram 😳

I'm not sure it's racism. I don't think people do it on purpose.

My ds was taken for a girl until I made it obvious with the colour of clothes etc. I sewed steam engine buttons on his dungarees 😊

Can you just add a couple of hair slides or flowery shoes or a pink bracelet. I know it's a bit shallow but it should solve the problem.

Why do they think straight blond hair would make them look more like a girl, than any other of the 'girly' styles lots of black girls have?

Western beauty standards

Possibly but my white DD was called a boy all the time until at least 2 because she didn’t have much hair. I think it’s just hair full stop.

People really, really cleve to gender stereotypes.

My son is dressed in all colours, but we don't do the whole 'cover in blue, diggers and dinosaurs' nonsense.

As a result I'd say he is more often called a girl than a boy.
I don't think he care lol. He likes what he likes, colours, animals, hobbies.
He has no idea he's only meant to like blue, muddy play and dinosaurs. So when he gravitates towards a fluffy bunny, yellow or purple adults can't deal.
Oh and he has longish hair. Again, can't be bothered to force a toddler into buzz cut territory when he likes 'swishing' his hair as a sensory thing.

Your post is ridiculous, its nothing to do with her race, its because the innocent person mistook your childs sex, as simple as that !

I'm not sure it's racism. I don't think people do it on purpose

I'm sure it's not on purpose...but surely you've heard of unconscious bias?

My daughter looked like Phil Mitchell and was continually taken to be a boy. She's very pretty now, but was really cute then.

And on what basis do people determine what sex someone is at first glance? Do you not even think gender stereotypes are worth thinking about?

I hope you had a long, stern talk with him about gender stereotyping shocking behaviour!!! And very possibly, racist... because of course, things have to have a label these days. People are not allowed simple mistakes 🙄

I’m not sure, everyone thinks my youngest is a girl. He’s got very short blonde hair. I just don’t bother correcting them. A dad in the park got upset with me last year as I called his little boy a girl when talking to my son. As in - “please get off the swing so this little girl can have a go”. I now just use gender neutral terms as it he was upset and I didn’t want anyone to have a go at me again.

This thread very much shows me that people still make the connection between:
long / blonde hair with being female and thus “being pretty”.

Difference for white children is eventually your sons will likely cut their hair, your girls hair will eventually grow longer downwards- that’s why there’s an issue-Caucasian beauty standards setting the beauty bar.

You could be right op.
When dd was a baby wearing a dress and tights, but not pink! A silly man kept calling her ‘son’ his wife corrected him and said it’s a baby girl she is wearing a dress and tights. His response was “Well she is in a blue pram so I assumed she was a boy.”
Ds was always mistaken for a girl as a new born baby. Apparently it was down to his beautiful eyes and long lashes. Yep female babies do not possess these features.

YANBU
It’s well known that black women will often be called or mistaken for men as it is partly to do with their hair - one of the reasons why so many black women feel the need to wear wigs instead of showing their natural hair.

Of course if a white girl had short hair or a boy had long hair there will be people who mistake them for the opposite sex still but it’s predominantly black females that deal with this more than other races.

Nothing to do with race IMO. My white skinned, freckled faced daughter was constantly mistaken for a boy until her red hair grew long enough to be 'dressed' - about age 3 from recollection. It wasn't because she was white - it was because she didn't look girly. Someone once told me she looked like an IRA terrorist - charming!
Just one of those things - if I could find a 'shrug emoji I'd use it here.

My son had short (thick, straight, brown) hair as a toddler, but I used to dress him in bright colours, rainbow prints, animal prints etc (not stereotypical "boys" clothing aisle blues, dinosaurs, sharks and diggers). So he was referred to as a girl by strangers more often than not when we were out and about. He was quite fine-featured, but then lots of very young children are. I think it was just the clothing people were going on.

Another issue is that MN is predominantly white so it’s more difficult for the majority to understand what you mean unless they’ve witnessed it themselves.

You’re just going to get a load of white people saying “it’s definitely not racism, because I don’t think it is!” which even I, as a white person, find incredibly frustrating.

You’ve obviously noticed some patterns, and because you have mixed race DC, are probably much more aware of the myriad micro-aggressions that white people simply don’t experience.

I had short hair as a child and was often mistaken for a boy, and yes hair length does mean many people default to gender stereotypes. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t also more going on.

As an aside, WHY do all the young boys with long hair ALWAYS have blonde/golden curls/ringlets?! Where are all the boys with long, straight brown hair?!

We are a white family and my daughter was always mistaken for a boy because of the way I dressed her, like you something easy/comfortable for messy/full on play like joggers plain tshirt etc, and her hair was short!

I suppose the difference is I won't purposely cut his hair unless he asks because I don't think being called a girl is some kind of insult and want to instil that in my child.

By puberty there will be no doubt, regardless of hair length.

I doubt it would be racism, I struggle to tell whether young children are boys or girls if there dressed all In blue or are dressed in neutral clothes, I usually look at the child's shoes to see as girls tend to wear different shoes to boys, my own little girl sometimes gets called he if she's I her blue jeans and toy story top, but it's not a big deal.

Maybe because of their hair being short but not race I wouldn't say.

I have 3 boys and they were often mistaken for girls when they were little.
They have brown hair now but as toddlers had golden blonde ringlets which I kept longish so I put it down to that.

I was even complemented once at a playgroup for not dressing 'my little girl' in pink and bows like everyone else.

There's no difference looks wise between girls and boys when they're toddlers, I think you can only assume based on hair and clothes most of the time.

I don't think it is racism per se, but I do think it is cultural/societal stereotypes that un/consciously inform perception/expectation. I would be frustrated with having to frequently correct or advise my child is/isn't ---. However, I also think we are generally limited by our experiences, so from that perspective I assume other people just haven't had the opportunity to interact with a child as beautiful as yours. Take it in stride. We all tend to live in our own bubbles and typically don't intend to cause offence.

both my dd were born practically bald very fine blond bum fluff. constantly referred to as "he" even if dressed in pink

hmm. My dd was consistently mistaken for a boy, despite being white and blonde. Even when in a dress- purely because she had short hair for a long time, it just didn’t grow.

so IME most people look at hair length as the biggest indicator of gender. I had people ask me why I’d let my toddle go out in his sisters dress, and absolutely insist I was wrong when I said she was a girl.

of course with afro hair as you say unless it’s in “girly” braids it doesn’t grow “long” so will nearly always be taken as male.

having said all that, as a sports fan I believe there are huge issues in sport for mixed race and black women, even back to Fatima Whitbread who was sniggered at for looking like a man. Unless you have the western stereotypical markers such as nails, long hair etc, many athletes get stick for looking male, even as adult females.