Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

Myself and all 3 of my DDS have been mistaken for boys a lot as toddlers, a combination of wearing non girly clothes ( I was always in my slightly older brothers hand me downs and my DDS in their male cousins) and the fact we were all baldy toddlers whose hair didn't grow past collar length until we were about 4 years old. We are all white. It's quite widespread imo.

Yes and no. My little one is Caucasian and has very fine hair that doesn't grow fast. So until she was quite old 3ish had short hair. She was often misgendered because of her short hair.

I say yes because people do judged gender by haircuts, length, style at that age because there is not many other features to go on. But no better it happens to children of other races too. But then yes, because it's a rubbish way to identify gender.

Dd1 twice got called a "little boy" at about 10 months when wearing a pink dress, and she had a reasonable amount of hair.

When I nannied (separately) of around that age if people made a guess then the little boy was always "lovely little girl" (normally in blue dungarees) and the little girl was always "darling little boy" (usually wearing pink jumpers/coat).
They had similar amounts and type of hair.
I think with those two there was an aspect of personality made people assume. The little boy loved people and would respond to anyone speaking to him with a big smile, head on one side and "dadadada..." and the little girl was going through stranger anxiety and was more likely to burst into tears or glare at the speaker.

Its always girls with little har that are mistaken
Many baby girls have very little hair
My niece has even been asked if a boy when all in pink
Yet my other niece with curly hair and lots of it always assumed is a girl no matter what she is wearing

But hair texture is part of race...you cannot separate them entirely. Hair texture is like hair colour and has no correlation with sex. Her hair could be very long but because of its texture, people assume boy. Whereas a white girl could have equally long hair but because of its texture people assume girl.

How is that “overthinking”? It’s just thinking.

”Long hair usually equals girls” (and more to the point “girls equal long hair”) are assumptions worth interrogating. Why do so many people still think that way?

DS has longish curly hair often gets called a girl, Niece (white) has very short hair and gets called a boy. Both are 4

My ds when under 2 was often mistaken for a girl and I think it was because he had a full head of hair as my friends dd was bald until 18months and she was mistaken for a boy. My ds was once in called she when sat in a navy snowsuit covered in diggers & tractors.

My dd was often called a boy when a baby, toddler. She had short blond hair and not much of it.

Ds as a teen routinely instinctively called a girl by adults because he has long curly hair.

It's also interesting reading this thread how many boys with blonde hair are mistaken for girls.
It’s funny but there were a quite few boys with long blonde hair at DD’s playgroup and primary school but none with dark long hair. At the later teen stage yes, we knew a lot with long dark hair but nobody on younger kids stage.

My 1 year old DS is usually mistaken for a girl. No idea why. His hair still short but it doesn’t bother me, he just must look a bit feminine to other people. From my own point of view it’s a bit of a minefield as all kids are quite androgynous looking and I find myself mentally panicking if there is long haired child in stereotypical boys clothes and their parents don’t offer up their name straight away. Although occasionally this is even worse if the name is unisex and I end up floundering with a lot of “aren’t they gorgeous” until someone gives me a clue.

I was at a soft play party the other day and was talking to a parent who i didn’t know. We were talking about the children and I looked at their 3 or 4 year old child and genuinely had no idea if it was a boy or a girl, they were dressed in a mustard colour boiler suit thingy with masses of wild, blonde curls. I had a 50 / 50 chance of getting it right / wrong and I went for a He, but it happens all the time.

But hair texture is part of race...you cannot separate them entirely. Hair texture is like hair colour and has no correlation with sex. Her hair could be very long but because of its texture, people assume boy. Whereas a white girl could have equally long hair but because of its texture people assume girl.

Equally a white girl could have textured short hair and people think she's a boy. People are judging style, not texture. You keep saying the same thing to prove racism but I just don't think it's playing a part here.

I can see why it would upset you but I also think it’s not as awful as you think. At that age you really can’t tell a lot of the time unless they have certain clothing or hairstyles that are very obvious. Most of the white girls who wear neutral clothes have long hair styled a very ‘girly’ way so it’s obvious. I wouldn’t take it personally at all. Tbh I think it’s a good thing. It shows you’re not dressing her like a Princess just because she’s a girl.

Also my daughters have plenty of hair- it’s just vertical!

Is her afro short, or does she have a larger long hair afro?

My daughter is almost 2. Still gets called a boy.

My dd is mixed white/ Asian and ALWAYS gets gendered male- even when she’s wearing what I would think are quite girly clothes. She doesn’t have much hair and I rarely put her in dresses.

This is true. Ignorance means people don't realise that the hair is really long.

How do you educate people? It's hard to know other people's experiences sometimes. Well meaning people can just not know

Hmm. I remember my decade younger brother (we are Mediterranean) constantly being called a pretty girl because of his flowing long hair and the gender neutral clothes mum dressed him in (unusual for the 90’s).

My friends 3 yr old mixed race daughter, half Chinese half white English constantly is mistaken for a boy as her hair just won’t grow, and she is dressed in gender neutral beige clothing and my other friend’s white toddler is also mistaken for a boy as their hair just won’t grow and they are dressed in gender neutral beige clothes too.

I also plan to dress my child in gender neutral clothes and fully expect that people will get it wrong because I’m not clearly marking which gender they are.

Is it racist really?

Oh ok, I think it sounds perfectly obvious then. This is hard to understand why people are confused

my oldest was called a boy for several years. I think it was because her hair did not grow much and people associate shorter hair with boys. But they are probably lots of different reasons so does not mean yabu. Even dressed in pink she was still referred to as he a lot!

Part of caring for her hair is styling it differently not always a fro. Are you white op? Many little girls ( not all) love long hair and bows etc at lest some of the time.

I agree with the PP's who've said they think it's more about hair length and clothing than race. My mum had my hair cut in a cropped style all through my early childhood (I'm white British, with thick dark brown hair) and I wore my male cousins 1970's orange, blue and brown hand-me-down clothes. I was mistaken for a boy all the time, on a daily basis, called "sonny" etc constantly - I have memories of it from very young childhood right up until I was about 11 years old (I started puberty quite late).

I think people go by very basic visual cues when they see young children, especially in their way of judging what is "girly" and therefore who is a girl. I remember being out with my DD in her pushchair when she was a baby, she was wearing light blue corduroy trousers with flower embroidery on and a light blue top with a flower print and an elderly lady came up to me and said, quite crossly :"Why are you dressing her in BOYS COLOURS?"

Conversely, my nephew had very long very beautiful blond hair between the ages of about 4 and 6 years old and he got mistaken for a girl all the time.