Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

My blonde, blue eyed neice was often mistaken for a boy if she wore more ‘masculine’ clothes. A red top and dungarees once.

I totally agree Caucasian Beaty standards set the beauty bar, but I’m not convinced yours is the best example. I think you said your tot is only 2? People misgender 2 year olds constantly. At 2 it is very common/ normal for Caucasian girls to still be very bald and therefore always misgendered male. In my experience Black and Asian baby girls are less likely to be misgendered male than Caucasian baby girls , because they typically have much more hair than Caucasian baby girls.

I think the real test will be when your DD gets a bit older. If she’s still getting misgendered I think you will have a point!

Hoards of posters giving examples of how their children are mistaken for the wrong sex are not evidence that racial bias isn't at play here

I mean unless my dd dyes her hair blonde she is never going to have 'long blonde hair' which you seem quite fascinated with? She is always going to have have dark curly hair whether it is long or short. I don't know why people always seem to equate caucasian with blonde and blue eyed when(in ireland anyway I don't know about the UK) most white people are not blonde and blue eyed. Most people have dark hair, and most people's hair isn't perfectly straight. I don't know where this stereotype of white = blonde, straight hair, blue eyes comes out of? If you think your dd will grow up to want straight blonde hair do not think white kids with dark, non-straight hair will want the same thing?

Why?

Long blonde hair because many of the posters who’ve said my son was mistaken for a girl have said blonde long-ish hair was the cause of the assumption. I’m just highlighting the narrative that plays in to.

id also say given the love of highlights amongst white women probably lighter hair is still seen as the preference. Maybe the Kardashian’s changed that slightly.

YABU.. When my son was a baby he was always mistaken for a girl.. I dressed him quite unisex (whatever that means), but not explicitly 'boy' iyswm. It was only when he began to show his personality as a three year old that people would assume he was a boy. My son is white, with blue eyes and fair hair.

Many people have mistook my asian baby girl for a boy. Unless I put a big bow on her head to some it wasn't obvious. When she was a baby I'd dress her in a white pramsuit and a vest, babygro underneath with a hat on our walks. I can easily tell with other South East asian babies and black babies too but I'll admit I find it harder with white babies. That's why I always say how olds your little one or the like when I'm trying to make conversation.

My daughter didn’t have hair for ages and everyone thought she was a boy. I would say it’s down to hair length.

Not sure I would say it's racism. I think some children just look more boyish or girlish when very little. Sometimes because of how they dress and sometimes because of certain features.
Everyone thought my little boy was a girl. Even though he was dressed "like a boy". I think he just has a slightly feminine, pretty face. I took it as a compliment. He's nearly 4 now and no one thinks he's a girl.
That being said there's a girl in his class who everyone thinks is a boy because she never wears dresses. Doesn't bother her mum either 🤷‍♀️

Very young children often don't look like a boy or a girl in their face. People take cues from clothes, hairstyles etc. and rightly or wrongly people see long hair and think girl, short hair boy.

So while your dd has Afro hair, it being short style and particularly with blue clothes, people will go to boy, just like I've seen little boys with long blond ringlets called a girl.

If people don't know they can only go from what they see (if they don't/haven't asked a parent).

Oh dear, this is hard work.

As an example...Let's say a black person is spoken to rudely by someone (no actual racial slurs) just rudeness but the person being rude did so because the person is black and they are racist...would you say, well I'm white and someone was rude to me once therefore your experience could not be racist?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
When my son was little, he was always being mistaken for a girl.
I didn’t mind, but I think young children are really androgynous- Especially in jeans and a top.
Don’t worry about it too much.

As a girl I was ALWAYS being mistaken for a boy as I was tall and slim. Right up to 16..

I'd say it's possible. The entire thing about unconscious bias is really interesting.
Tbf my white daughters were all mistaken for boys as babies.

It’s not just Afro. It’s any curly hair. I’ve got several friends who had kids with super curly hair which didn’t have any length until 5 plus. Always assumed to be boys.

the general rule is - unless you whack a big bow on it - if it’s unstyled hair above the chin it’s a boy.

Caucasian beauty standards being the most ingrained, or ''setting the bar'', in a country in which the majority of people are actually Caucasian, doesn't make the majority racist though does it?

Yes that makes sense.

My daughter, in a pink buggy and usually in a dress regularly was thought to have been a boy. She was bald until about 18m though!

I still get mistaken for a guy now, despite being Caucasian. Yes, I dye my long hair blonde and straighten it, but my height, frame and chiselled jawline just seems to be what most people see. Many people assumed I was a boy as a toddler as well despite not having the jaw, and having long, wavy blonde hair 😂 (Naturally darkened over time, worse luck).

But it honestly doesn’t bother me, OP - and I would KILL for an amazing natural Afro! Your girl is so lucky!

I’m not sure whether people subconsciously assign Caucasian beauty standards to femininity - I think I’m a good example of where that doesn’t happen - but I think a lot are a) unobservant and b) taking a punt based on social cues and gut instinct (the way I’d go to a dog and say good boy or good girl dependant on what I reckon they might be based on bone structure and collar colour - not that I’m equating teenage girls to dogs, just the only analogy I can think of).

Honestly, pre-puberty for any kid, I find it difficult to identify gender unless there are clear markers regardless of race. I mix them up all the time. So I’m not sure about whether it’s a race thing though there are factors that suggest that could play a part.

It means there are a lot of girls and women out there feeling undervalued and unrepresented by the culture.

No one said it did.

The problem is lots of people don't understand unconscious bias. Therefore unless something is blatantly racist and offensive, they think racism does not exist. It's very tiresome.

is a cardigan with birds on ‘stereotypical boys clothing’?

My white kids have both been ‘midgendered’ multiple times. I think probably because they just dressed in ‘gender neutral’ clothes. I was never massively bothered by it because all kids are just kids when they are small anyway. And it’s only hair and PINK and BLUE that really tells us what they are.

I think you're right, hair cues play a massive role. My blonde (white) boy had longish hair until he was 3 and always got mistaken for a girl even if he was dressed very boyish.

My daughter was constantly referred to as a boy whenever I put her in leggings or trousers. People only seemed to call her a girl if she was in a dress!