Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

My 22 month old DD gets mistaken for a boy ALL the time unless she's in clothes which are obviously girly.

People thought my DD1 was a boy for the first 3 years of her life because she had very sparse white hair that I kept short because it was so wispy, plus she lived in dungarees handed down from her (male) cousin 😂. She couldn’t be more pale if she tried!

Isn't this the reason those big baby bows were invented?

There's was baby in my mum group who was bald until around 13 months, even now at around 19 months she has very little hair. Her mum always has her in girly clothes and a bow/hairband thing but if not she'd easily be mistaken for a boy. It can be hard to tell with very young children. What you've described here doesn't sound like racism to me.

When DD went back to school after covid I noticed she had a new girl with long blond hair in her class….who actually turned out to be a boy who she had been at school with for five years!
Despite knowing him reasonably well, I didn’t recognise him at all and with his young face he did look quite like a girl!

I wouldn’t read into this, I think it’s pretty normal for them to be mistaken for the opposite sex at that age.

Having thought about it I am wondering if people are more likely to call a black child a boy over a white one, you could be onto something there I wonder if there is any research on this as we are told what feminine is meant to look like and it’s usually the European female features.

The clothes described by the OP sound more like stereotypical girls' than boys' clothes to me. They just happen not to be dresses.

My brother was often mistook as a girl when he was a baby due to his blonde curls, despite being dressed in blue or brown (80s).

My youngest looked like a boy and I was mindful of this and always had a splash of pink, purple, flowers on her, summer was easier, in winter it was pink uggs/trainers/boots.

I wouldn't take it to heart.

Same with mine. She's 2 and u less I have her in a dress or pink people always comment on "what a lovely boy" I have. I just say thank you and move on.

It probably doesn't help that I dress her in so much blue but it's my favourite colour and suits her so much.

One of my daughters is blonde, the other ginger. They didn't have much hair at all as toddlers and were often mistaken for boys if they weren't wearing pink. Likewise one of my boys was often mistaken for a girl despite having a very boyish face, he had shoulder length blonde hair tied in a bobble or a little bun on top of his head.

Could be something in what you say, but I also think it's really hard to tell boys and girls apart at playgroup age anyway. Everyone always thought my daughter was a boy, and that my son was a girl (though he has long straight hair... so that kind of supports your reasoning). They're in their teens now and the boy still gets mistaken for a girl sometimes, but doesn't care. Anyway, I'm not sure why gender matters that much, particularly in small people, but people mistaking their gender definitely also happens to small caucasian kids. I think the only way to avoid it is to go the whole hog and dress them in pink sparkly 'daddy's little princess' vs blue [whatever the equivalent hideous slogans are for boys] T shirts.. but personally I wouldn't consider that worth the trade off 😂

I think its the hair, my girls hair was very fine and almost invisible so they looked bald for ages. They were called 'he' even when dressed in pink jumpers. It didn't really bother me, and I certainly didnt stick a bow or hair band on them, or stop putting them in leggins and jeans. Life is complicated enough.

My daughter with tight curls was constantly mistaken for a boy to the extent that when told her name people would hear ‘Neil’ - not a name likely to make a comeback! To be fair they were always very polite the name 😆

YABU. People just don’t pay attention.

My almost 2 year old has beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes, only wears pink/yellow/girly clothes and still gets called a boy because her hair isn’t that long.

My daughter is blonde& regularly got confused for a boy because her hair was shorter. Does it really matter with young kids

I'd say short cornrows and an afro would make people think of a boy. Maybe if the hair was longer in those styles they'd lean to girls? Aren't most kids androgynous looking? My SIL got my niece's ears pierced because she didn't want people thinking she was a boy. Boy or girl, I don't see why it even matters unless it's causing an issue for the child.

Ignorance, maybe. Racist is a bit of a stretch.

I was a blonde haired, blue eyed kid and was mistaken for a boy until I was about 10. I remember, aged about 5, going to see Santa and he handed me a boy's toy and was really surprised when my mum told him I was a girl.

Nah, I'm constantly mistaking girls for boys and boys for girls lately and it's nearly always down to their hair, not their race.

I mostly mistake white male toddlers for girls if their hair is long.

My DD (aged 2) has been mistaken for a boy quite a few times at different age points. she's fairly blonde but her hair took a while to grow in, and I rarely dress her in dresses. Usually leggings, trainers and a jumper. I think a lot of people think "boy" when they don't immediately see a lot of pink and dresses.

I couldn't comment on your race observation. But perhaps an additional and separate factor is general dress styles and many people's strongly gendered view of children's clothing!

Different how?

@Comedycook read the OP? Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro

it's nearly always down to their hair, not their race

But race and hair are linked.

Sorry OP but MN is generally terrible when it comes to racism or racial bias. Unless someone used the N word Mumsnetters will dismiss any racism or subconscious bias as perfectly normal. Maybe YOU'RE the one who is racist for even thinking it?!? 🙄

Truth is that yes, there's a good chance white people will make all sorts of assumptions about your child, and it's perfectly plausible theyre confusing the sex of your child for this reason. Good news is that it doesn't really matter and apart from being a bit annoying at times should not have an impact on their life.

How is an Afro a boy hairstyle- my child’s hair is an Afro- it’s her natural hair state. This is exactly what I’m saying, being “female” is subconsciously linked to Caucasian aesthetics.

My daughter was mistaken for a boy when she was young and she was wearing a dress! Apparently the fact the dress was blue had caused the confusion 🙄 Interestingly, my other daughter was never mistaken for a boy. No idea why. They both had longish hair. I assumed it must just be the face shape/features.

So I understand why it gets to you, but just wanted to reassure you that it happened a lot to one of my children.