Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

My DS (Asian) is always mistaken for a girl. Every time. He looks nothing like a girl, has normal boy hair (short back and sides), wears boys clothes.

I in no way denied her experience. I think you are intentionally taking my comment out of context for cool internet points. I said I would understand way she would want to steer clear of a racist not that she should not and I think you know that. I was saying if it is just a matter of them not understanding black beauty though which is an innocent mistake, and they are otherwise a kind person, then there really isn't much one can do to fix it.

Yes and yes.

While I agree there is a thing around blonde blue eyed girls being pretty I think the assuming girls are boys or boys are girls based on hair/clothes/activities is very common. My blonde, blue eyed daughter has in the past been described as a lovely little lad (while in a dress) because she was playing football. Her sister who has shorter dark hair is constantly assumed to be a boy as she prefers joggers to any other clothing, plays rugby and likes Lego. I’d imagine a massive portion of it is sexism but then mixed race kids encounter some additional prejudices. It’s not helped by the fact many people in the U.K. (particularly outside majorly cities) will have seen loads more examples of black hairstyles on celebrities than normal people and celebrities will often conform to the same beauty standards. I think an increasingly small number of hairstyles are overwhelmingly seen on girls or on boys so a lot of people are going to use other factors like clothing, behaviour or activities to guess. I often wonder if we wouldn’t be better off just saying they for all kids and not distinguishing.

The hair is the same length on both sides. The ‘short’ side is air dried with no product and no styling. The ‘long’ side has leave in conditioner and sealant and has been wrapped (which is a heat free way of stretching out Afro hair). If you’re short on time, then blow drying works, too. It reverts to the Afro curls as soon as you wet it.

Afro hair is VERY versatile.

Sealant sounds interesting. I imagine that's much more child friendly and less damaging to hair.
I can't blow-dry full stop, so in awe of.someone making that much difference just through a hairdryer.
But yes looks very versatile.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Actually, I get why you’re feeling attacked by my comments and I’m sure you’re doing your best, so I apologise. However, I really do think it sounds like you could do with some support and guidance around your DD’s hair, both in terms of its care/styling and in terms of attitudes towards it.

You would be very welcome in the Black MN section. If you have any queries or concerns, or just want to talk anything through, we’d be happy to help.

@TenPointsFromHufflepuff I HATE blow drying my hair, and I’m very anti heat on hair in general, so I tend to just do heat free styling. There’s been a massive shift towards natural haircare (so no harsh chemicals or heat) in Black haircare over the last decade or two. I’m very happy about it.

I basically live in twist outs. A few examples here, if you’re interested: curlygirlswag.com/15-cute-easy-twist-out-natural-hair-styles/

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

There are some great looks in that link, very interesting. Thanks.

Imissvino's posts are lovely. Even if OP doesn't take anything from them I hope other white mums of mixed race children do. My mum refused to style my hair at all and from the age of 3 my hair has upset me, you realise very early how different you are and then you realise you're different again from the kids who have parents that make their hair presentable for the time and place.

My close friend at primary was mixed race and adopted by white parents and she used to get very upset about her hair too, she felt ‘othered’ by it.

@Lurknessmomstar I think we're pretty much on the same page. I'll add this: my white 14-month old was recently mistaken for a girl even though in my eyes he looks very much like a "boy." I do think it's often difficult to discern gender when children are young. And will be a challenge in our evolving society of what gender is, anyway. Thanks for the dialogue. I appreciate the opportunity to chat beyond, Did you say Hi?! with my toddler. Given the replies on this thread it would be interesting to hear from OP as well.

My daughter was constantly called a boy when she was a baby. She could be fully in pink but we had a blue pram so she was a boy 🙄

I also have two boys who were called girls! (Older boy had curly hair, younger one had straight longer hair)

I'm curious why you mention eye colour? It seems mothers of blonds with blue eyes, always make a point of saying it.

@Josette77 because this is a thread about what babies look like not because it bothers me! My boy has brown hair and brown eyes and in unisex clothes people aren't sure.

It's a thread about hair. It is just interesting that people with blond haired blue eyed children often seem to mention the eyes as well.

I don't think the misgendering is racism, but my gosh the unconscious bias on here towards blond children is awful. Especially those who think white brunettes suffer the same way black girls do... Having brown hair is not that same thing as having black curls. It's white privilige that you don't know how dofferent it is.

Agreed - why is is surprising that a blonde, blue-eyed child might be a / be called a boy?

Blonde hair and blue eyes aren’t the preserve of girls. Boys are just as likely to have that hair and eye colour.

How old is your child? With young children it's almost impossible to tell. I don't stick to the usual colours (so used to put lots of blue and dinosaur clothes on DD wjen she was younger and now put some of Dd's pink and flowery baby clothes on D's) and people always called DD a boy and Ds a girl when there is even the tiniest hint of pink on his clothes. I think as it's so hard to make out from the features of a young child or baby people take all their clues from clothes and possibly hair length. We are ethnically Indian by the way.

It is possible that people find it more difficult to categorise non Caucasian faces as they aren't that used to them but I'm not sure that's racism. Maybe implicit racism but I think it's more ignorance and to be honest I'm not sure what people can do about it except study ethnic faces on purpose. It doesn't offend me to be honest as it's not done maliciously and doesn't show an innate feeling of superiority unlike other acts of implicit racism

This reminds me a lot of how my mom taught be that pretty much everything feminine was misogyny. So I grew up secretly loving pink, make up and pretty things but lashing out at feminine girls and telling them how stupid they were for wearing those things. Only realizing when I was mid twenties that I actually loved those things and even if it is true that there may be a dark sexist history behind such things that does not make them inheritely sexist.

I now am unapologetically feminine and I love it. I wear make up, do my hair and wear whatever suits me. I grew up feeling insecure and unattractive. Some may say that is because I'm oppressed. Whatever. What matters is that I have found happiness in a world that makes happiness a rare opportunity to enjoy. If make up and pink give me joy than so what?

Kiss my butt. You can't take my happiness. It's mine to enjoy.

I'm not putting everything that is fun in oppression boxes and telling myself I'm not allowed to endulge.

Oh gosh, yeah, I think you do have a point there actually. Thank you for explaining it so well!! Ignore my previous post, please. I understand what you mean and I think, I agree. I'm not sure what the solution is. The only thing I can think about is more representation and more diversity. People have to see perhaps more variety in other people to understand that different looks have got nothing to do with feminity or masculinity.

It's a bit like in India where I'm originally from I was usually considered as quite good looking when I was younger but I have never felt attractive since coming to the UK as I have a lot of excessive facial and body hair (not trivial, quick or easy to remove all of it). In India, this isn't so uncommon and not necessarily correlated with how feminine you are but here I've always felt it is and it's always made me feel not necessarily ugly but definitely less feminine.

Yes to this. It’s the exact same sort of joyless rhetoric, isn’t it? And (as I’ve hopefully illustrated), if you scratch the surface, a lot of it doesn’t even make sense.

I’m sure your mother meant well, but I’m glad that you reclaimed your sense of self and now feel empowered to enjoy what you enjoy.

Sending (decidedly unMumsnetty) hugs to younger you. 💗

I really do hope some people find the info helpful.