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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To apologise to my friend for being fat?

69 replies

composingsongsoflove · 17/11/2022 10:53

I’m meeting a v close friend for lunch on Monday . Travelling three hours to see her - love her to bits . Last met up in July .

I haven’t had a good time of it these last few years, serious mental health issues and my weight’s skyrocketed . I weigh 23 stone . I’m a size 26-28 on bottom, 24-26 on top . I look absolutely awful .

A friend sent me a photo last night and told me I look beautiful. I just see myself as massive . I was bullied in school, and by family, and all I can see is my size and I’m mortified .

I’ve got a top I like, new perfume, make up and I’ll do my hair nice for going out but I’m so embarrassed and keep thinking I should email my friend to say, look I’m still fat, I actually think I’ve gained a little over the summer .

WIBU to apologise for my appearance? I know she would tell me off for even considering it .

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 17/11/2022 10:56

Sorry you've had it rough recently.

No way should you apologise! It's sad that you think that way but maybe reflection of your mental health.

Your friend loves you for you. Not for a number on the scales.

Hope you have a lovely time.

Tittyfilarious81 · 17/11/2022 10:56

@composingsongsoflove No , you absolutely should not apologize for your appearance,she's your friend she spends time with you for who you are ,not what you look like x

OnlyFannys · 17/11/2022 10:56

💐 I'm so sorry you feel this way about yourself OP, I was so sad reading your post as I can hear how down you feel and how much it is affecting you. Please dont be embarrassed or feel you need to mention your weight

potniatheron · 17/11/2022 10:56

Please don't apologise for your appearance. Instead, you should feel proud that you are coming through such a difficult time. Your friend loves you and wants to see YOU, not the size label in your clothes. It sounds like you are feeling a bit mentally fragile so maybe just let her know that before you meet, and do something low key and gentle together.

but never, ever, ever apologise for your appearance.

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 17/11/2022 10:58

Your post made me so sad for you OP. It sounds like your self esteem is rock bottom. Could you have any therapy to help you with this? Please don't apologise to your friend. No doubt they're looking forward to seeing you and don't care about your size. I've struggled with eating disorders and can absolutely understand how size can can tangled up with self worth. For me therapy has been helpful - although not a magic bullet.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay · 17/11/2022 10:58

Your self esteem sounds very low. I am sure you look lovely.

If you are unhappy with your weight you do not need to apologise to your friend. Why would she expect an apology, your weight has nothing to do her and she values you for who you are not what you look like. Would you expect an apology if your friend had put on weight? Of course you wouldn’t.

If you are able and want to address any weight issues you perceive you have that is for you to do when you feel ready.

Laserbird16 · 17/11/2022 11:00

You've got nothing to apologise for. Concentrate on how nice it is to be in your friend's company. I hope you have a lovely time

Covetthee · 17/11/2022 11:00

Why on earth would you apologise? I’m sure your friend thinks you’re beautiful whatever size you are. would you care if your friend was a different size?

Please don’t put yourself down, get yourself ready with your new stuff and go enjoy yourself.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/11/2022 11:00

Why would you apologise? Your friend is your friend and likes you for you. Obviously if you were planning an activity and now can’t due to your weight eg hiking up a mountain or skydiving then mention it but lunch it doesn’t make a jot of difference. Enjoy your lunch with your friend.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 17/11/2022 11:03

Why would you apologise? It seems very attention and validation seeking.

melchim · 17/11/2022 11:03

What I see from your post is that you have a friend who loves you and cares about you. That is an incredible treasure. Not everyone is so blessed!

Don't apologise. Just go in and enjoy being with your friend!

JaneFondue · 17/11/2022 11:04

What am I reading? If your friend is any friend at all she won't care about your size.

Marmaladegin · 17/11/2022 11:05

Gosh it was only the summer since you last saw her! Is anyone looking massively different from then? I'm not.

Nap1983 · 17/11/2022 11:05

Your friend will not give one single thought to your weight! Xx

Original poster
composingsongsoflove · 17/11/2022 11:08

Thank you, I’m waiting on therapy yes . NHS have said they think I’ve probably got binge eating disorder, I’m stuck in a bit of a binge-starve cycle just now . Go five days nothing, then three days of cramming .

I won’t apologise, I just worry, I don’t want her thinking I’m being lazy or not trying (which she won’t) . My weight was often topic of discussion with family - called ‘the elephant in the room’ and often worry others are judging in the same way . Yes self esteem’s at absolute rock bottom just now .

OP posts:
Purpleavocado · 17/11/2022 11:17

An apology is for when you've done something wrong and you feel bad about it. You haven't done anything wrong to your friend, and she sounds lovely. I think maybe you need to work on how you feel about yourself, is it yourself that you feel you've let down, are you judging yourself?
Try to talk kindly to yourself, if you want to lose some weight for health reasons, let that be because you want to love your body, and nurture it, not because you want to punish yourself.
Your friend sounds really nice, maybe you could try talking to her about how you feel? (not beating yourself up, but asking gently for some help and advice)

JenniferBarkley · 17/11/2022 11:18

Your friend won't think anything.

How often has a friend's weight affected your day? We're much harder on ourselves than our friends.

XanaduKira · 17/11/2022 11:19

Tigofigo · 17/11/2022 10:56

Sorry you've had it rough recently.

No way should you apologise! It's sad that you think that way but maybe reflection of your mental health.

Your friend loves you for you. Not for a number on the scales.

Hope you have a lovely time.

Absolutely this!

Tansytea · 17/11/2022 11:19

I actually think that you are being disrespectful to your friend if you do this. It is as if you don't trust that when she tells you she sees the person inside, that it is in some way not true. You are clearly a good person who has a good friend who is supportive of you, enjoy that!

OnlyFannys · 17/11/2022 11:20

composingsongsoflove · 17/11/2022 11:08

Thank you, I’m waiting on therapy yes . NHS have said they think I’ve probably got binge eating disorder, I’m stuck in a bit of a binge-starve cycle just now . Go five days nothing, then three days of cramming .

I won’t apologise, I just worry, I don’t want her thinking I’m being lazy or not trying (which she won’t) . My weight was often topic of discussion with family - called ‘the elephant in the room’ and often worry others are judging in the same way . Yes self esteem’s at absolute rock bottom just now .

I would like to recommend you check out Teamrh on Facebook if you have it, one of the founders often talks about her history of binge eating issues and they provide realistic diet plans that dont involve very low calories. They are quite sweaty tho so not sure if that is your thing 😂

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/11/2022 11:22

If you apologise to her you are essentially saying you think it’s possible she’s a judgemental, superficial arse.

Plus whether you mean it to be or not it’s very validation seeking. Don’t overlay this issue of yours onto her and your friendship, which sounds a lovely healthy one. Of course you can discuss how you feel and talk about anything and everything, but an apology is in this instance a manipulation of her (although I know you won’t mean it to be).

It’s your punishing superego nudging you to apologise. The voice inside which is actually the voice of your horrid family. That voice has no place between friends.

Enjoy seeing your friend 😊

latetothefisting · 17/11/2022 11:23

Definitely not, not only because you've done nothing to apologise for but because it won't be beneficial for your friend and will just be awkward for her because there's no real way of responding to it. She will feel bad if she lies and says "no you arent" (given you've accepted you are overweight). She might say "you look lovely" (which will probably be completely true!) but sounds like you won't accept that anyway.

So if its not beneficial to anyone and would probably just add unnecessary awkwardness what would be the point? If she's a good friend she won't mention it because she will be excited to see you and not care about how you look. Being fat isn't a moral failing and doesnt mean peiple dont want to be friends with you! you wouldn't message her in advance saying "just to let you know, I'm still white/short/blonde -in fact I've had highlights over the summer so I'm even blonder than usual, I understand if you don't want to meet up with me because of it."

Notmrsfitz · 17/11/2022 11:24

Ohhh no, poor you - you’ve really got a downer on yourself and the crazy thing is you are probably a really fabulous friend and a lovely person to be with.
you are so much more than the number on the scale and the number in your shirt- you are made from experiences and adventures some good some not so good but all of them have shared your character and your emotion your empathy and understanding and if only you realised this you would see that every day is a worthwhile day and you’d look forward to getting dressed up and meeting your old friend !!!

ButterCrackers · 17/11/2022 11:25

Your friend thinks you are beautiful and you are. Take the compliment from your friend.

ShimmeringShirts · 17/11/2022 11:26

Don’t apologise, your weight is nothing important. You might only see your size, anyone that gives a hoot about you will just see another person they love. If you ever want to lose some that should only be because you want to and because you feel ready and have the support to. If you don’t that’s not a problem either Flowers