Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To apologise to my friend for being fat?

69 replies

composingsongsoflove · 17/11/2022 10:53

I’m meeting a v close friend for lunch on Monday . Travelling three hours to see her - love her to bits . Last met up in July .

I haven’t had a good time of it these last few years, serious mental health issues and my weight’s skyrocketed . I weigh 23 stone . I’m a size 26-28 on bottom, 24-26 on top . I look absolutely awful .

A friend sent me a photo last night and told me I look beautiful. I just see myself as massive . I was bullied in school, and by family, and all I can see is my size and I’m mortified .

I’ve got a top I like, new perfume, make up and I’ll do my hair nice for going out but I’m so embarrassed and keep thinking I should email my friend to say, look I’m still fat, I actually think I’ve gained a little over the summer .

WIBU to apologise for my appearance? I know she would tell me off for even considering it .

OP posts:
HellsCominWithMe · 17/11/2022 11:26

go see your friend! You’ll feel better for having seen her than not.

ok this is a heaving going bit and some may wish to skip past.

OP I was listing to a really interesting podcast about obesity (I’m fat too) a few months ago and they were discussing some interesting research coming from the USA. They worked with extremely obese people 400lbs + in the study

when the participants where asked ‘when did you start putting on weight?’ and they found that the majority had some form of childhood sexual abuse or abuse/neglect, others had been sexually assaulted or abused as adults.

it fits for me. I was abused quite badly and I started to gain weight when my stepfather started threatening to rape me as a form of punishment. fat people are invisible and ignored. That’s what I wanted. I hate that he has left his mark on my body like this and talking with a therapist about the above has really really helped.

i don’t know if this applies to yourself but if it does please consider discussing this with a therapist (I see you’re waiting on one) it’s not always what you’re doing (bingeing and starving)and I had multiple therapists try to fix the how I was making myself fat rather than the when it started.

you’ve got this though. Asking for therapy is a big step to wanting to change. You’re ready, that takes a lot of guts and confidence even if you don’t believe it.

PearlclutchersInc · 17/11/2022 11:27

Apologise - hell no! You sound lovely and you're making an effort. Your friend will understand.

ApplesNeverFall · 17/11/2022 11:32

I have a friend who is a similar size to you. I absolutely adore her. She is one of my favourite people ever, and I tell everyone how much I love her. We work in the same industry and she is uniformly admired and very much liked. Not a single person has mentioned her size to me in either a personal or professional capacity. Please believe that your friend loves you for you. She'll be so excited to be meeting you for lunch. She'll be looking forward to hearing all your news, and just relish being in your company. I'm always so happy when I've been lucky enough to spend quality time with my cherished friend; please don't take the shine off your relationship. I promise you that your size is the least important thing about you in the eyes of your friend.

LeafHunter · 17/11/2022 11:35

Yesthatismychildsigh · 17/11/2022 11:03

Why would you apologise? It seems very attention and validation seeking.

This.

Get help (or talk to the people helping you) and have a lovely time with your friend.

Tubs11 · 17/11/2022 11:36

Laserbird16 · 17/11/2022 11:00

You've got nothing to apologise for. Concentrate on how nice it is to be in your friend's company. I hope you have a lovely time

Absolutely this

Evenstar · 17/11/2022 11:37

Could you try to put yourself in your friend’s shoes so to speak, you wouldn’t love a friend less because they were overweight. I find it very helpful to think that even if I am larger, friends and family look at me as someone they love not with judgement, and I try and look in the mirror and see myself as worthy of love as they do.

Fairyliz · 17/11/2022 11:39

Don’t apologise your friend won’t care about your weight presumably she likes you as a person not what you look like.
She told you you were beautiful, sounds like a lovely friend who tries to boost people up. If you feel a bit sad you could perhaps explain why and she will probably offer support and encouragement.

GnomeDePlume · 17/11/2022 11:41

Don't apologise!

I am your size. In the summer I met up with an old school friend who I haven't seen in over 20 years. I am twice the size I was when we last met. Within seconds of meeting we were chatting away as we always had.

The only thought I had about appearance was that we must look like our mothers now!

You will look beautiful!

CheesusWept · 17/11/2022 11:43

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, and I'm sure your friend knows what you look like. And, if they're a decent friend they won't be judging you anyway.

Out of curiousity, what new perfume have you got? I am a big perfume lover.

I hope you have a lovely time with your friend.

KiwiInTraining · 17/11/2022 11:44

potniatheron · 17/11/2022 10:56

Please don't apologise for your appearance. Instead, you should feel proud that you are coming through such a difficult time. Your friend loves you and wants to see YOU, not the size label in your clothes. It sounds like you are feeling a bit mentally fragile so maybe just let her know that before you meet, and do something low key and gentle together.

but never, ever, ever apologise for your appearance.

I absolutely echo this a thousand times. I’m so sorry you’re feeling low OP, and that you’ve been bullied by family and other people in the past. Have you ever considered (or would you consider) counselling at all?

Procrastinator85 · 17/11/2022 11:48

OP, you sound so sad. I have been where you are. A couple of things:

  1. Weight is not a moral issue. I am going to repeat that for those at the back. Being overweight does not require an apology, or shame, or or you to hide away. We are taught that being larger somehow makes us morally at fault - it does not. It does not matter whether you are "trying to lose weight" or "lazy" or not. You have every right to do as you please without judgement.
  2. Please do get that counselling and some CBT. At my biggest I was a size 28 and that helped me with my darkest and most destructive thoughts.
  3. I also had binge eating disorder. For me, in the end, weight loss surgery gave me my life back and cured it. I am not saying that it is right for you or something you should be considering at this stage. But in truth, no amount of counselling would have helped if I had not regained control of my weight and health in the end. When (and only when) you are feeling a bit better, start to look at ways of taking back control.

All the very best to you - many of us have been where you are and it is heartbreaking.

Cleveramazing · 17/11/2022 11:50

OP please don’t feel you need to apologise. I have friends who are your size and they all look lovely with nice hair ,make up and clothes.
I do understand though ,because I met up with my friend for the first time in years recently who lives in NZ and I was worried because I have put on masses of weight since I last saw her 4 years ago .
I just mentioned it as soon as we met up …I was size 14 and now where size 20 tops .
Just commented that I am really struggling with my weight….she 100% didn’t care and we had a big hug and had the best time together enjoying New York.
Have a lovely time together 💐💐

Woahtherehoney · 17/11/2022 11:50

So sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time but please don’t worry about your size or what your friends think - she loves you for you, not your size. And fat is never ever the worst thing you can be - in fact it’s not even in the top 10 of worst things a human being can be.

I’ve been a size 10 and a size 26 and had the same friends at both sizes because they didn’t ever care, and neither does your friend x

RandomPerson42 · 17/11/2022 11:51

You have nothing to apologise for.

If you want to lose weight then go keto - you can then pretty much binge on as much above ground vegetables as you like.

SheilaWilcox · 17/11/2022 11:57

If I was your friend, I would be so chuffed that you had travelled so far to see me. The world needs more people like you that make an effort for people they love.

Sorry you've had such a rubbish time of it, I hope things improve soon.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 17/11/2022 12:07

You've internalised the message that being overweight is a moral failing. It is not, and you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

BuryingAcorns · 17/11/2022 12:10

Please don't. You have no reason to. Your friend wants to see you and you want to see her. You don't have to be a certain size to have a good friend or a good catch up.

I sympathise with your impulse though. I've just been for a walk with a slim friend who has lost even more weight this year while I've gained. I was stumbling along after her as she skipped over boulders and I did feel very apologetic and self conscious. But I think that attitude is every bit as harmful to our health as the extra weight.

WindUpPenguin · 17/11/2022 12:11

So sorry you are feeling this way OP. I put on weight over lockdown. I have friends who did not, and those who have put on a lot more than I have. Yes, I do notice. No, I would never judge any of them for it. If I was your friend, I would be worried about the way you are feeling. I would not think you look 'absolutely awful'. I hope you have a lovely time with your friend and it helps you to feel better about yourself.

ehb102 · 17/11/2022 12:13

Top tip from a very fat person (me):

People see us a whole package. If you smile and are outwardly interested and pleased to see people they will find beauty in your presence. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" means that we are attracted to what is good and lovely, not that people who love us are blind to how we compare to any prevailing aesthetic. Be you, be unashamedly you, and be joyful to see your friends.

Lobelia123 · 17/11/2022 12:19

An apology will just make your lovely friend feel awkward. She obviously loves and appreciates you - dont spoil this rare time together by focusing on your insecurities and perceived failings. Concentrate on the good stuff and have fun! Try to see yourself through your friends eyes....she obviously sees lots in you thats admirable and fun and worth spending time and energy on....and maybe try to take some of the belief she has in you, away with you.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 17/11/2022 12:25

Don’t apologise at all for your weight. As PPs said I’ve got close friends who both gained and lost lots of weight due to various issues in their lives same as you!

Your friend likes you for you!

The only thing I get irritated about with my close overweight friend is she’s stuck in a job she won’t/can’t leave and all of us have spent so much time advising her but she won’t leave and binge eats (has had a stroke) to cope! but that’s her and I know weight is very personal.

NurseBernard · 17/11/2022 12:26

Sorry you feel so down about yourself.

Kindly, an apology will make things so awkward.

I’d be mortified if a friend apologised to me for her weight. I’d wonder what she thought of me that made her think she had to apologise for herself. I’d be so embarrassed.

Please don’t - for both your sake’s.

Flowers
Aria2015 · 17/11/2022 12:30

Please don't do this. Your friend will be heartbroken to think you'd think it even matters to her. She obviously loves you and thinks you're beautiful, trust her!

Softplayhooray · 17/11/2022 12:30

There is nothing to apologize for OP! She loves you just as you are, and rightly so! You are more beautiful than you think.

Rookieuser123 · 17/11/2022 12:31

From reading your post it’s clear your weight is something that is bothering you and effecting your confidence. Who you are as a person clearly matter more to your friend, if she can see this imagine how many others can.

Whilst you wait for the NHS why don’t you have a think about small things you can do. Going on a walk every day and slowly building it up to help get yourself out of the house and in public. Ease the pressure of throwing yourself in whilst slowly building your fitness up.

I’m friends with a girl in the gym that was size 28ish she actually started buying Mens clothes and she is now done to a 14. She’s put a lot of work but I really admire her as I know it’d have been mentally challenging to walk through those doors and make a change especially having to come back time after time.

Have a think to what do you think triggers your binge eating. Knowing what’s causes it will help you make small gradual changes that should be more sustainable. Have you looked to see if there of any focus jobs on binge eating? Help you to meet with people that have been in your shoes.