To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

The only reason friend sent you that is for free afterschool childcare. Or her DD likes something at your house. If it was about the girls being friends she would arrange for them to meet up somewhere or offer play date herself. And the other girl would be making huge effort to befriend at school.

Don't agree, as this is thin edge of wedge. And it'll put pressure on your DD who isn't that bothered about this girl and potentially will get used here.

I'd reply "Hi, haven't heard from you in years. No thanks to my arranging a play date at my house. Too much on. Hope you're all well, soren"

I wouldn't reply to any further messages
Or do so weeks later "sorry didn't see your text, too busy, no thanks, take care , soren"

Oh also tell DD to say 'no thanks' if this other girls starts asking her at school.

I cant see what the problem is. Be led by your daughter.

I'm not the kind of person to punish a nine year old because their mother broken some unwritten rule of playdates though.

I think MN may not be the right site for you- being incandescent with rage at a social misstep or miscommunication is 70% of the content.

More seriously: I'm glad I'm not the only one who just wouldn't care and would be happy to have them round if DD wanted.

🤔Use your imagination.

Abusive husband.

Poorly trained, excitable dog.

Second child with special needs who can't handle visitors.

Embarrassed of their home, due to poverty, hoarding, other MH issues that mean it can't stay clean.

Living in a refuge.

Living with family/friends (couch surfing) and not allowed playdates at the house.

Too poor to put the heat on and feed a second kid.

Lots of posters regularly post about why they couldn't have friends in their home as it was too dirty or they had chaos at home. Do you really think one of the above is that rare?

There's a mum at my son's school like this, she'd definitely send a message like that. It used to really annoy me, but over the years I've realised she actually has a heart of gold, but struggles to communicate like others do. It's just like learning a new language talking to her, as social niceties aren't a thing. If she sent me this message, if I was happy to have her child over, then I would, and if I wasn't then I'd just tell her it wasn't convenient and maybe offer a park meet or whatever. But I wouldn't worry or feel bad about it as I've learned over the years that the usual rules don't really apply.

😂

I stay for the parking threads!

We don’t know what the girl has told the mum ie that they are close friends - we don’t know if the mum has social communication deficits and doesn’t know this is rude.
personally I would say we are quite busy at the moment for play dates.

This was my first thought also. Maybe the Mum/her DD are embarrassed to have someone round to their house for some reason so feel they can't extend an invite.....🤷🏼‍♀️

DD10 sometimes asks me if I can phone so-and-so's Mum to see if she can go round to play, but that's usually after the girls have discussed it between themselves and the other mum is most likely aware as well. I wouldn't just ask the other Mum outright and I tell DD that.

Omg no you can’t write that! It’s horrible! Besides, she’s 9. After one play date with this girl I’m sure they will be ‘close friends’ for a bit.

Not all children are social butterflies though. Some just struggle with friendships and the kid that occasionally plays with them, might be their best friend.

"Hi X, ah that's so nice that she wants to come. I'm afraid at the moment we are absolutely slammed with work and after-school stuff and various family things going on so not doing much in the way of playdates but let's see when things calm down. Hope all well. Soren"

Doesn't sound like from the OP that the other mum is struggling with any of these things. Some people are just CFs and have none of the devastating problems you've listed. Imagine that!

Not all children are social butterflies though. Some just struggle with friendships and the kid that occasionally plays with them, might be their best friend.

Then, the mother can ask her DD’s ‘best’ friend round for tea.

@SparkleTart exactly. The mum that kept inviting her kid to mine (and knocking on the door on the way home from school- eek) was as it turns out going through a really tough time. She kept trying to arrange to cook us dinner in our house as she felt bad we’d hosted them twice. I thought it was a bizarre request and then another mum told me she was going through an awful awful divorce (dv) and when I shared that I was divorced she told me everything about the much smaller home farther away they’d been moved into. They were in all honest occasionally a bit clingy and annoying for 6 months or so but have eased off now they’re a bit more on their feet.

@SparkleTart ‘cunts’ is far too heavy a word for anything that’s been said on this thread. Far too heavy

This is so un-British, to send such a direct message, it's got me all in a lather.

I think I'd be just as direct back and say I'm not sure the girls really play together much anymore?

@ChiefWiggumsBoy she might not be British?

Sending a text to a mother saying "you must be mistaken our children aren't friends, you must have sent this to the wrong person" is cuntish behavior. I stand by that. It's fucking horrible and humiliating and cruel.

I would find that very cheeky! Why not invite your daughter to her house so she can host.

Seeming as your daughter isn’t that fussed about having her over I would send a message saying how busy you are currently and will let her know in the future when you have a free evening.

What a cheeky, entitled message! I’d bridle at that too.

I’d just reply with “sorry, our evenings are really busy just now; if you want to host my DD at your house soon I’ll ask her if she wants to come, but we’re not hosting at the moment - so busy with Christmas coming up”.

And don’t be browbeaten in to it. Whether the woman is awkward or just rude isn’t your problem - say no. The girls aren’t even close!

It's the way she phrased it, assumed you would allow it so straight to the what date/time as opposed to asking you first. I personally can't stand people who 'corner you' with their ideas 😅

@SparkleTart No it’s really not. Cunt is way too much. Where do you go after you call someone a cunt? It’s a top tier insult meant for top tier offences ffs.

You're right about this, that's just nasty. Although I do think inviting your kid is rude, in reality I'd probably just go with it and suggest a date, whilst marvelling at tge audacity!

Yeah, it's quite rude for a British person. Although I had a friend from another Eastern European once who would be similarly direct and it was honestly so refreshing.

If I wanted a play date I could just say, ds would like to play but can we meet at yours, my house is a tip 😂 . And she would be fine with just saying yes or no. No drama. It was really nice not to have to dance around the issue.