To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

Sorry I didn't even notice that part where your daughter said they're not really friends anymore. My bad!
I feel kinda bad for the other kid so I'd still be sensitive around it, but if your daughter isn't bothered about it then just be honest and say there must have been a playground mix up because DD can't remember organising it, but you hope her and her DD are doing well, and if your DD wants to organise a future play date you'll be in touch.

Goodness. People are so easily offended here. This isn't a hill I would want to die on.

I think it is a good call to find out if the other girl is feeling isolated.

If she is, perhaps the mother should invite some friends back to their house for a playdate.

It's very blunt alright! All you have to say to shut it down is 'Thanks for your message. We're too busy right now but DD can let me know in the new year if the girls want to play together after school and I'll be in touch if they do.' And then leave it - nothing sarky, no fibs.

It's either that she wants childcare or that you have something at your house her daughter wants to play with (console, pool, pet) as a PP said.

It's rude to invite yourself to someone else's house and it's particularly rude if you've never reciprocated.

If her daughter is struggling with friendships then she needs to host.

I'd reply to say that you've got a lot on at the moment so perhaps another time.

I would say something like:

”Hi, thanks, DD was a bit surprised as X hadn’t mentioned this to her, but she’d be very happy to play. Would it be ok if it’s at yours this time though? Which days are good for you?”

Agree it’s rude to invite yourself or your child places. Not direct, I’m fine with direct. Rude.

“Bit inconvenient at the moment at our house, but dd could come to yours. Any day is fine.”

^^Something like this would be my suggestion too. Weird that she didn’t just invite your DD over if her daughter wanted to play. This is a good response, it’s not rude but puts the ball back in her court. If she says no for whatever reason, then you can just follow up with “Ok, then we’d better leave it for now until we’re both less busy.”

Agree it's cheeky. I'd not want to go along with it but I can be petty... I think minipie's suggestion for a reply is a good one.

I agree.
I would add at the end that we are busy after school.

If your child would like a playdate with another, you invite that child over.
End of.

You do not invite yourself over, and I would be totally disinterested in getting involved.

Funny how socially inept these people are yet somehow know how to impose on others to meet THEIR needs.

I had someone do this to me once but in a more sneaky way as she texted and asked if my dd was free on Wednesday and when I replied I thought so, she then asked if I could have her dd round for tea. Making it more difficult for me to refuse as is already said she was free. This women never invited mine back, despite saying she would at some future time, l think she was just using me for childcare.

I would at first assume just from the wording of the message that the two girls had agreed on a playdate and the mother was contacting you to organise, and that is not the case as you say, so it might have been sent to the wrong parent, I guess, or it is the other girl really wanting a play date and saying to her mother that it was all organised and her mother just had to contact you? If your dd knew nothing about it, I would probably go back and say:

'Has your dd said that this was organised at school with my dd? It is just that my dd doesn't know anything about it, and so I am a bit confused. Feel free to give me a call if that is easier'.

If the two dc had organised things between themselves the message wouldn't be rude at all. The odd thing is that your dd knew nothing about it.

I’ve had similar and declined using excuse of DH working at home and suggested we meet up in the park .. that wasn’t of interest though ! The kids are still friends but in no way close

Yes that's the way normal people would go about it!

Rude or not she doesn't even come close to the cunts on this thread who said you should text her to say that your kids doesn't actually consider her a friend.

I do think it's a weird phrasing and possibly should have been "ours" instead of "yours". My auto correct does the same. I wonder if she sent it to a few parents to try and get her dd some friends. I'd invite her. I'm not the kind of person to punish a nine year old because their mother broken some unwritten rule of playdates though.

Not everyone can though!

Which is fine but in this instance the mum should have invited OPs DD to her house. That's what people with any basic social skills would do!

Why not?

I think it’s a bit odd. If she were trying to build the friendship or help her daughter make friends surely she would invite your daughter to her house initially. Does seem a bit piss taken to make the assumption you’re ok with it.

I'm not the kind of person to punish a nine year old because their mother broken some unwritten rule of playdates though.

Neither am I.

My guess is she is fishing for someone to fill a vacant afterschool childcare slot.

I'd just say, 'things are quite busy at the moment, but happy for dd to come to yours. Just let me know a good day. xx'

Op's daughter isn't really friends with her though so no one is being punished!

I think i'd just reply with something along the lines of: Let me check what days we have free and i'll get back to you.
And then just don't get back to her.

Terrible! I'd reply with something like "Hey X, good to hear from you. Our weekdays are a bit packed at the moment - let's meet at the park one Saturday afternoon for the girls to play?", and leave it with her. I'm assuming that your kids are still young enough to enjoy an hour in the local park playing with whoever's there.

I still think that she is looking for childminding.

Are you friendly with other mums in your DD's class? Can you find out if they got a text asking about playdates (don't have to name any names) in the afternoons after school?

Do a bit of sussing out the situation if you will.

"Sorry we aren't hosting playdates at the minute. Thanks."