To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

CF mother can’t be humiliated because she’s a CF. They don’t feel embarrassed because what they do to be CF’s is already embarrassing to normal people.

Where do you go after you call someone a cunt?

I like donkey-raping-shit-eater as my next step.

She might be after free time. Maybe she's sent the same message to all the peoples numbers on the WhatsApp chat in the hope she palms DD off for free. I don't think it was a load of waffle on the OP, it gave an idea, like you said, of the whole situation/friendship- or lack of. Let's be honest. If you're perusing Mumsnet you're not in a rush 🤣 I would be honest and say DD says they don't hang out much any more but she's happy for her to come round but you're pretty busy now until after Christmas.... hopefully she will forget about it.

If she's that dead keen to get the girls together and/or improve her daughter's social life, she should be extending the invitation, not volunteering you for the duty!

Well it depends - we have no idea if this child is desperate to be friends with your daughter - she may be being bullied and wants to change friendship groups - it take a lot of guts to send a message like this and may not be CF territory!
Maybe she’s put aside her own feelings for this of her daughter and asked? She been before, so may not see it as a big deal.

If all or any of this is true, then she invites the OP's daughter over.

It's not done to say, so when are you having my daughter over?

Have you replied @sorenlorenson1 ?

This is a good response and I've used similar in the past.

If your daughter is happy to have her over and it's not inconvenient for you, just have the poor kid over. I honestly think the way the mom has asked is a bit of a non-issue. Yeah, it's a bit blunter than some people would be, but it's hardly actively abusive or insulting. Bigger things in the world to worry about as you say in your OP! (And yet, here I am, replying.....🤣)

That's nasty and you know it is. Who on earth would ever send a message like that to someone?

I think it's the manner in which she asked,I think had she left it more open, something like would it be possible for her to come over some time, she's been asking and left room for you and your DD to say yes maybe soon etc if you weren't keen or if you said yes, then start arranging days and plans, but this does feel a bit insistant/presumptious. I always tell my DD to invite friends to her home if she wants to spend time and not ask to be invited to others as I guess right or wrong that's just how social invites work, I do understand not everyone can do that but again I've had that handled differently by parents, people have said their home isn't suitable for whatever reason can they take them to the park and I will always respond with a reciprocal playdate or just offer my house, in my experience there's always been a rough understanding of that with other parents, you all try to do your bit, it's not always even but everyone tries not to be a taker without need or cause, ultimately I wonder if the girl is having friendship issues and the mum is handling it poorly and if your daughter is happy for her to come I'd likely do it, I wouldn't not give the wee girl a chance to come over because the mum is a bit clumsy with words but I would keep an eye on how the Mum responds and her next moves so you or your DD aren't used.

I'd assume she wants childcare/child free time, unless there's a reason she can't invite your DD to hers.

That said, I'd be sensitive to reasons like:

• her not wanting to host at home if its small/overcrowded
• her not wanting to host at home if she can't afford heating etc atm

Sometimes kids want to go to a particular childs house because there's been playground chat about a coveted possession or game. We had a run of kids trying to invite themselves over right after we got the lazy spa! Ds is desperate to go to a child's house in his class who has a laser tag game.

Do the child's parents work full time out of home? Because that can make it hard to host play dates. We always have DDs friend here because i do some school runs, and her parents don't, they are at work.

I would do this.
It is a very impolite message. She isn’t doing her child any favours at all if she wants to help her dd’s friendships, as this would annoy most people and make it less likely for her child to be asked over in the future, not more. My dc are teenagers now , but when they were smaller if I didn’t want to host a play date at my house, then I would invite a child along to do something somewhere else.

Its a bit cheeky, but i wouldnt say that it was properly rude.
Id either just ignore it totally, or id reply that cant accomodate at the moment, but dd is happy to come to hers one afternoon

Maybe I am very dense (I am not the best at picking up social cues) but I genuinely don't see the issue with the message. If your DD doesn't want the girl round, decline - if she doesn't mind then invite her round. They are 9 so it's not exactly going to be hard work for you. They won't be expecting vol au vents and a red carpet.

It's like inviting yourself over for dinner to an aquaintance you barely speak to in an aggressively forthright manner. Not, it would be nice to get together, but which night next week would be suitable for you to host us for dinner?

I think it's really rude to basically tell someone that your child is going to their house, so kind of her to let you choose the day though 🤦🏼‍♀️
I would say i'm too busy but that DD is able to go to their house one day if she wants to let you know what day suits her.
You can't just dress rudeness up by calling it being direct, she was rude end of.
Cheeky fucker!!

I agree there may be reasons like you’ve posted but that doesn’t justify the wording of the text.

This part where she said ‘I said I would ask you what day you can do?’ is rude. It’s saying, ‘I’ve decided this is happening, you only have a choice on when’. That’s not ok to attempt to force OP.

If the mother would have said ‘My DD has been asking if she can come over to yours after school so I said I would ask you IF YOU WOULDN’T MIND HAVING HER OVER. Thanks so much.’
That should have been fine. Always ok to ask, but never ok to take for granted.

This exact scenario has happened to me. I was quite taken aback at the directness of the message but agreed as my child was desperate to play with theirs.

However if it had been some random that my child had no interest in then I wouldn't have agreed.

I don't think there is any need to be rude in your response, even though you're clearly steaming about it!

That WOULD have been fine.

Sorry, haven't RTFT but I find that so rude. If any of my boys came to me and said when can I go/I want to go to 'bobs' house? I wouldn't be texting the mother to ask when she could have my child. I'd be telling him that he will have to wait and see if he gets invited. If no invite appeared I'd put the feelers out for the friend to come to ours instead.

This thread upsets me so much. My child is new and I have sent messages like this -yes I would have written far more politely than this, with caveats 'if that sutis you' etc or I would have invited the child - maybe the mum is on the spectrum (as my own child is)?? Or maybe mum just rushed the text or was trying to be brave on behalf of her child - maybe she didn't phrase it well - so what???

Maybe she just thinks at this age kids can make plans?

No wonder we live in a lonely and sad society - the only question is does your kid want the playdate? If not, please be considerate in your response as you have no idea whether the mum just has a bad manner in writing and the child is really keen to play.

Hi CFMum
I've spoken to DD, and she doesn't remember inviting CFDD for a play date, but she's free on insert time and date here to come to yours.
Bye then.
@sorenlorenson1

I have sent messages like this

But why?

Why would you not just invite someone to yours for a play date? Were you unaware that it would probably be seen as quite rude? Cheeky? Would you still do it now, having read this thread? Maybe this thread is a good thing and will make people think!

I'd assume the mum is under the impression the daughter's been invited, maybe the girl hasn't got many friends or good friends and wants to strengthen that friendship, so I'd do it or let them down gently. Better to assume the best in the absence conclusive of evidence cheeky fuckery.

But if evidence becomes available she's a blagger then by all means say no thanks CF!