To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

Your daughter has probably said 'come to mine my mum said it's fine', and she has relayed this information to her mum, therefore her mum probably doesn't think she is imposing her child on you.

Kids have these conversations at school ALL day, even with kids they aren't necessarily 'besties' with. I've had to intervene (teacher) loads of times and tell kids to stop inviting the class over to their house. I've even been invited countless times 🥴🤣

If you don't want her to come over just say that you're totally booked out on the run up to Christmas but you will organise a little get together for dc and some friends at the house in the new year! Then whether you actually do anything in the new year or not is up to you.

@Daisychainsx But her daughter was surprised! She clearly knew nothing about it.

I would ask your daughter who the other little girl plays with in school. If your daughter doesn't know then maybe the girl is struggling socially. If she has a group of friends that is very different.

I find it direct and quite rude. When I arrange a play date I would always invite to ours. If she doesn’t want children at her house she could invite her out to the park with them or similar (sorry omen is younger, no idea if 9yr olds go to the park still). But I wouldn’t be rude back. I’d maybe comment that I didn’t realise they were close but of course, how about x date.

Did she use either your name or DD's name in the text? Maybe she sent it to you by mistake. It sounds like the sort of message you would send to a relative or friend you see regularly.

I would send a message back saying Hi, hope you are well, was this message meant for me? I didn't realise our DDs were such good friends they would want to get together out of school hours.

I wonder if her daughter is struggling socially and she’s trying to help her out. If your daughter is happy to have her over I’d do the kind thing and say yes.

I think it’s rude. She should’ve invited your DD to her house first if she was that bothered.

I suggest you be ‘direct’ back and say it doesn’t work for you.

😂😂😂 what awful advice! The wording of that text is horrible and mean

Your daughter has probably said 'come to mine my mum said it's fine

Clearly not, as the OP has made clear.

I would find this cheeky as well. If she wants her child to have play dates, she needs to organise them-at her house or somewhere out and about-you can just ask yourself round to someone’s house. The mother is doing the daughter no favours here as she will grow up thinking this is what you do.

The fact you had the daughter round years ago when they WERE friends and the mum never reciprocated suggests she isn’t going to start now. I think she’s taking the piss.

It’s rude because you contact a parent to invite a child to YOUR house and then hope for a reciprocal invite afterwards. My goodness have manners really depleted this much?!!!

Be equally direct back -

Hi, long time no speak, hope everyone is well. I was a bit surprised by your text as the girls don't really play together anymore and dd was surprised by the request too. Is everything ok your end? As they are a bit older now I let dd do her own invites instead of organising for her, I have let her know X is welcome to visit if she wants to invite her in school.

Haven’t RTFT but we had similar and the mum had left her h and was housed in a v small flat in a not particularly nice bit of town. She was quite open about not having space/feeling embarrassed to host once we got chatting on the day

Definitely rude! I'd be irked too.

I mean it's a bit weird if your daughters aren't friends but my children are a little younger just this morning my 4 year old informed me x is coming over on Sunday. If the mum messaged and asked I'd can x come over for a few hours I'd say yes. As it's the kids arranging it I'm not pushing for it, Ive got better things to do. Are you sure your daughter hasn't given the girl the impression she can come over? I suspect that's what happened and the mum is just asking. I don't really get what your long meandering tale about not being friends with the mum is about, I'm not real friends with any of the school mums, doesn't mean my children aren't friends with their children though, it's irrelevant if we (the mums) are friends.

“Bit inconvenient at the moment at our house, but dd could come to yours. Any day is fine.”

shes Being direct. Don't take offence. Agree with your husband.

(my teen kids still discuss stuff with their friends and then I get mothers contacting me who think plans have been made when actually it's all misreported kids waffle. For all you know your daughter said something that implied she could come over).

It’s rude. If your kid is desperate to go to someone’s house you ask the friend over to yours. “Sorry we’re very busy at the moment, maybe another time”. Is all you need.

That is what I would do (then I'd never get back to her).

😂 Who invites themselves like that? She sounds mad. Unless your daughter is really enthusiastic about wanting this child to come to your house, I’d just ignore. Your daughter doesn’t sound bothered and has said they don’t really play together so no.

If it didn’t mean my child possibly having to do something she didn’t want to do, I’d be tempted to say ‘What a coincidence, my DD has been saying she wants to go to your house. I’ll let you pick her up from school on Wednesday. Don’t drop her home before 6.30 as we’re going out. She’s looking forward to it. Thanks’ 😂 I wouldn’t though as your daughter doesn’t sound like she’s bothered with this child.

Definitely don't send this!!!!!

If the other mother came across as rude, this would make you come across as unhinged.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. Obviously you don’t invite yourself / your child to someone else’s house.

I wouldn’t want to go along with it in case she decides this is acceptable and does it again. I always say to ds you can invite people to ours but can’t invite yourself to theirs. I never mind about not being invited back though as people work long hours (as do I but it’s a priority for me to give ds this) and also lots of people around here don’t have the space.

I'd assume she was trying to have an afternoon to herself and so was trying to organise playdates elsewhere. Clever but rude to invite your child to someone elses home!

She wants childcare.