To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

@waterrat so presumably you are inviting classmates to yours a lot or suggesting play dates at neutral locations etc?
Surely you don’t text and ask if your child can go to peoples houses?

Just message back, sorry not possible this side of Christmas.
Hope you have a good one.
X

Just ignore it . If asked about it then you didn't receive message . If pressed say you will let her know then don't .

Regardless of what has or hasn't been disucssed between DD and the other girl, the mum's message is super rude. If you want a playdate then you issue the invitation, you don't make a demand. If she can't host at her house then she could offer to take them to/meet up at the park at the weekend.

I would respond with a polite but firm message - something like 'Oh, DD hasn't mentioned this. Things are pretty busy at the moment - sorry'

I’d probably say yes once, but not again if the other mum doesn’t reciprocate.

DD has been seriously browned off recently with a mum whose dd has been to play at their house umpteen times, and the other mum has never once invited Gdd back. She actually told dd in not quite so many words that she CBA with play dates.

I think she needs childcare.

I wouldn't be annoyed at all.
I would see it that the DD had suggested (rightly or wrongly). to her mum an after school meet up might be on the cards.
The mum has sent a message checking for a day.

Your DD is happy for the child to come around.

Job done, send a message giving your availability. By gosh this all sounds so petty

The trouble with saying something like we’re not hosting play dates at present is that it puts you in an awkward position if your DD wants to host a play date with another child.

I think she's a CF in the making looking for some free childcare (I mean I don't want to upset you but I suspect you aren't the first she's sent this msg too!).

If the approach had come from your DD then fine but given she's clearly not fussed I think just reply with "sorry, not a good time at the moment" and leave it at that.

I think she needs childcare.

Absolutely.

I mean I don't want to upset you but I suspect you aren't the first she's sent this msg too!

I am bemused by all the posters turning themselves inside out for reasons why it might be okay to send a message like this.

I'd be careful about replying anything that could cause issues down the line. If I've learned anything it's that they might not be close friends now, but might be in a few months, next year and could be slightly awkward! So would be tempted to reply something fairly polite!

@opine I think being a parent and navigating the social world is a nightmare - Im a v social / outgoing person and I have a very anxious/ nervous child so I am often caught up trying to help her socially - I worry so much about what I say but I am hugely sympathetic to any parent who might struggle.

Can't we all just assume the best of another mum - it's one text - and at the heart of it is a child who wants a playdate - why not cut others some slack especially with non verbal communicaiton of text that misses a lot of vital clues about someones manner.

The mum might be ND? Anyway, what harm does it do to have a kiddo over for a couple of hours? If your DD is fine with it, then do it. I do think the mother has shown poor manners but maybe her DD is struggling socially and she’s trying to find a friend for her. I wouldn’t start hosting constantly though.

I didn't say it was ok (maybe I should have explicitly said it wasn't!).

I'm surprised by the people saying it's just a playdate what harm can it do...it's a gateway CF move!

Just trying to catch up on comments- thank you so much to everyone for their input. I still haven’t replied yet, but will do so later, when I can have a proper chat with my DD and make sure she understands that she can say no if she doesn’t want this to happen. Or she can say yes and I will speak to the mum. I will overlook what I see as CFery, this once. It would be truthful even if I did say that we are very busy right now / not the right time, as we have 4 children, 1 of them with severe disabilities and complex health issues. We spend a lot of time in hospital and many sleepless nights. I have always tried not to let this be a barrier to having their friends over, as I want my children to have as ‘normal’ a childhood as they can, given that it is actually far from that. But I would prefer to make that extra effort, and fight my own tiredness, for friends of my DC that they actually invite and want to be here!

If you want to make new friends you invite them to your house. Or you suggest a meet up at a play centre or similar.
You don’t invite yourself over!!!! It’s bloody rude!
I’d be making up a waffly message about How busy and stressful the next few weeks are in your house and maybe saying you’d think again in the new year!
If her dd wants a play date she should invite others over! Or offer to take them to the park or similar!

I think you are being unnecessarily mean about a parent based on a text message. It's direct and to the point with the limited space texts allow. Just reply, yes if your daughter wants a playdate and make the arrangements. Don't be spiteful, it's not your friendship to mess up.

Just answer that playdates are your house are difficult at the moment (no need to say why), DD is available on x or y date if friends wants to have the playdate at hers.
Puts the ball back in her camp.

If your DD doesn't want her around, I'd just say you were really busy at the moment and can't do playdates just now.

@waterrat I don’t dispute any of what you’re saying but the onus is on you. If you want your child to make friends, have play dates etc you do the inviting. There is no situation where inviting your child to someone’s house is ok. It’s rude & if you set that example to your child now then they will suffer in the long run.
There was a girl like this in my DDs school. Everyone tried to accommodate whilst they were young but by the time they were 12/13 & making their own plans she was completely excluded because they’d had enough of her. she was also hard work when she was here. In rooms she shouldn’t have been in & getting herself something from the fridge. The rudeness was a theme.

Now OP has updated to say she has four children & one with additional needs I wonder if CF still takes precedence.

OP don’t do it. You have enough to deal with and you are lining yourself up for the whole CF experience. It will only get worse.

I’d want to deliberately misunderstand the message and reply back saying “ great, dd would love to come over, we can do x day. What time shall I pick dd up from yours after?”
irl I couldn’t bring myself to send it, I’d message back to say I’ll check with dd. If she genuinely wanted her over I’d arrange it, otherwise I’d just ignore it.

Yeah I'm autistic and this is why I'm scared to speak to people. She didn't say anything rude, and you can say no? It's not like she's just showed up with her DD on your doorstep.
not everyone had the same communication style but if something isn't intentionally rude then people really should stop assuming the worst of people over such minor things.

No, sorry. I was agreeing with you and laughing. I should have made it clear the last sentence was just a general comment.

Wow, OP. You have more than a plate full.

But I would prefer to make that extra effort, and fight my own tiredness, for friends of my DC that they actually invite and want to be here!

This is the bottom line. If you have the time and energy then your DC will no doubt have preferred friends to invite. Even more reason to decline this suggestion and use the time you have in the way that's best for your family.