Do rich people know that they have it better than a lot of other people?

[Deemarie11]

I just think this is really interesting Im in a book club. In the book club is the poshest man I've ever met. Let's call him alan. He has told me his back story. His father owns a massive, massive farm. His father is also a chief director of another organisation, at the same time.
Alan went to private school. Alan plays rugby. Alan has a good job.
He is a nice enough man. But what strikes me is he is always,always complaining about his life.
And his problems are so trivial - when I know myself and alot of other people in the book club, had a far, far worse life than he did. Yet he complains the most

For example, one time he was complaining about how his father didn't help him get a job, when other peoples parents help them to get a job.

I was thinking "I didn't have a father at all", but I didn't say it. My father walked out on us when I was 3 and had nothing to do with me. I bit my tongue!

Next week Alan was complaining about the private school that he went to.

I was thinking "I grew up in total poverty, I cant feel like shedding a tear about your private school".

I don't know. He just doesn't seem to realise that he had a better life than most people I know .

Maybe really privileged people are not aware of how privileged they are? As it is all they have ever known? But surely you would know that you are better off than other people.

Maybe he just doesn't care. ?

You’re in Ireland. Still very privileged compared to a large majority of the global population.

It seems you think “a good childhood” can only be achieved with money and that rich people can’t have bad childhoods. Alan may not have felt the love that you felt in childhood, may not have had a loving family. He may have been abused either by his parents or teachers at the school. He may have struggled with severe illness as a child - just because he hasn’t told you things, doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. In short, you have no idea what he went through emotionally or physically.

I pity you that you place so much importance on material things and money. How sad.

I'm rich. I'm the daughter of a self-made millionaire and I was brought up with all the privileges that brings. I've done well for myself- but it'd be surprising if I didn't, given the leg up I've had in life and the fact that I'm academically bright too.

People don't know just how wealthy I am as I don't rub it in their faces. I don't tell people where I go and what I do to avoid them feeling uncomfortable.

I'm not from another planet. The OPs post is so 'othering'. It speaks of two things: Alan being an idiot (which anyone can be regardless of financials) and OP's lack of ability to put herself in others' shoes - which is what she accuses Alan of.

In short then, wouldn't it be good if everyone had the emotional intelligence and imagination to see things from others' point of view?

No, you’re in Ireland, which isn’t comparable to South Sudan either.

It's all relative.

There are people in Afghanistan who have to do an entire days hard labour just to buy a single loaf of bread.

This

I’m only being devils advocate here so no flaming please! For Alan, his world is his reality so if his mates were being helped with a job when it would seem unfair. The fact is, he went to private school so why would he talk to you about the local comprehensive? Private schooling has its problems too. Money helps a lot in life but Alan probably isn’t the happiest guy you know, not from the description you’ve given anyway.

Who says Alan has it better than everyone else? He had challenges and difficulties in his younger years which are different to yours but not easier to handle.

Money dosen't equal happiness. The poorest people can be happiest in some circumstances.

Quite right too! That’s the reward for having said nothing at the time.

it's like asking do healthy people know they have it better than plenty of others. The answer is generally no because we genuinely can't understand our blessings until they are taken away.

We can't understand unhappiness either until something terrible comes along and it's only then when we realise what we had before was actually happiness. We are all guilty of it.

It’s a book group not group therapy. All this about everyone’s problems being trivial compared to someone else’s is true, but the conclusion that that means it’s always ok to moan about them is weird.

I've met other wealthy people and unless they come from nothing and work their way up they genuinely don't seem to grasp the concept of how the rest of 'us' live.
I've also found with MIL and her partner they ate NEVER content, a grand Sense of entitlement and boredom means always wanting something else

yes but the same can be said for all of us and people living in the 3rd world in dire poverty.

It doesn’t sound like he’s asking for therapy, though - although joining a book group is seeking some kind of social connection for 100% of the people going, since it’s perfectly possible to read books without joining groups to talk about them.

It sounds to me like he’s joining in with group whingeing sessions, as the OP says he “complains the most,” not that he is the only one doing it 🤣.

I've worked as domestic help for some mega- millionaires - their children have had horrible lives, my children, with 1% of their income, have had it better

I think money while it helps obv ,doesn't just instantly wipe all problems and worries magically away.we knew a friend with a huge house with a tradesmen entrance, still got very depressed in the winters. If Alan didn't feel good about himself he will still have issues. It's not possible to compared like to like

He is a kind and generous man but simply doesn’t understand the abject poverty that many people live in. He will completely wave off £50, £100 as ‘not a lot of money’…with zero understanding that people are trying to feed their families on that amount per month

how many people in the UK do you know have 50 to 100 quid to feed their family on each month?

I had missed that. It sounds as though others sometimes complain but he does it noticeably more. It doesn’t sound like a group whingeing session. In fact it sounds as though a lot of it he’s just telling the OP. I don’t think he’s asking for therapy just being unaware of his audience.

Interesting that you use the fact he wasn’t a boarding pupil but rather a day student as some kind of further proof he had an easy time of it. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
He does, admittedly, sound a bit of a drain, as is anyone who complains a lot, but this race to the bottom thing is never ending surely? You yourself are far more privileged than many could ever imagine being, and I know that without knowing a shred of information about you. You, also, have had your struggles in your life, as has everyone else. Where do you draw the line?
I grew up skiing every school holiday, with my own horses at home, I moved in the richer crowds and altho I didn’t go to private school, I had a good educational foundation and experience. I’m now happily married with DC, a nice home and our own successful business. Easy peasy life right? Of course I should probably mention, my father used to beat me and my siblings, and abuse my mother in every way a person can be abused. I haven’t seen him since they parted when I was 12. My mother then remarried and he was sexually abusive toward my sisters and I. I then myself got into an abusive relationship.. and subsequently left it of course. I consider myself to be lucky to have the life I have now and rarely complain, or even talk about, my childhood and adolescence. It achieves little and that is what you must focus on.
This post has got a little longwinded but the gist, I hope, is there.

No one is saying rich people can't have a moan, but if I ever become rich I hope I have the self awareness to read the room and not hysterically cry about a broken stone Eagle and tell a person who is perhaps needing to choose between food or heat that I'm so incredibly exhausted because of it. Save it for your fellow Manor House resident who might be able to empathise.

What many people are saying about relative poverty is correct but the OP isn't going to a book club with a load of Afghan refugees and complaining about her council house.
Alan sounds like he is unaware of his privileges. However, you on dodgy territory if you try and tell wealthy people who are abused or bereaved that it’s not as hard for them because of the practical aspects that money can help with. I’ve been poor and relatively wealthy in my life and sometimes the daily grind of surviving can be a distraction.

She’s complaining on here, though. On a diverse international site. Some of the women who post here are from or actually in incredibly deprived countries. Some are asylum seekers in the U.K. She has no idea of anyone’s situation or location, and it didn’t occur to her as a concern while expecting us to be sympathetic to her plight - much like Alan.

And the fact that her response to people pointing out that financial privilege is relative was ‘I’m not in the U.K.’ (conveniently not mentioning that she was in Ireland, so all the points still held) and ‘this is an international site’ (yet still not twigging that some posters might be in or from deprived countries) doesn’t indicate a huge amount of self awareness on her part.

Nonsense. She's talking about the same guy complaining to the same group week in week out. Not comparable with someone having a one off moan on Mumsnet.

There is a lot of poverty and homelessness in Ireland. Look up the news - there is a massive rental crisis in Ireland. There are not enough flats for people to rent.

I just walked through one street in Galway (west of Ireland).

I counted ten homeless people sleeping in doorways , in one street

There is a lot of poverty and homelessness in Ireland. Look up the news - there is a massive rental crisis in Ireland. There are not enough flats for people to rent.
I just walked through one street in Galway (west of Ireland).
I counted ten homeless people sleeping in doorways , in one street

there are no homeless kids here.

How? She’s wondering about whether privileged people are aware of said privilege and whether they just don’t care. She’s had her own privilege pointed out to her and hasn’t acknowledged it at all, indicated no awareness of it and doesn’t appear to care. So, exactly the same as the behaviour she’s bemoaning.

Also, she says ‘when I know myself and alot of other people in the book club, had a far, far worse life than he did. Yet he complains the most.’ So, everyone is sharing - it’s not just the Alan show. He’s just the only one she thinks shouldn’t complain? Why?

The thing is - I know that he had a life that was twenty times better than all the other people in the book club(they have told me about their lives once or twice).

Yet he is the one that moans and complains all the time, every single week. Yes he has the right to complain the odd time. But he complains every week, and he never asks the other people there about their lives. He talks about himself all the time.

I was just genuinely wondering is he that oblivious to other peoples lives and suffering.

I was reading an article written by Abigail Disney, she was a multimillionaire heiress of the Disney empire.

She said that she assumed that everyone else's lives were the same as hers. That she didn't realise that other people were poor.