Do rich people know that they have it better than a lot of other people?

[Deemarie11]

I just think this is really interesting Im in a book club. In the book club is the poshest man I've ever met. Let's call him alan. He has told me his back story. His father owns a massive, massive farm. His father is also a chief director of another organisation, at the same time.
Alan went to private school. Alan plays rugby. Alan has a good job.
He is a nice enough man. But what strikes me is he is always,always complaining about his life.
And his problems are so trivial - when I know myself and alot of other people in the book club, had a far, far worse life than he did. Yet he complains the most

For example, one time he was complaining about how his father didn't help him get a job, when other peoples parents help them to get a job.

I was thinking "I didn't have a father at all", but I didn't say it. My father walked out on us when I was 3 and had nothing to do with me. I bit my tongue!

Next week Alan was complaining about the private school that he went to.

I was thinking "I grew up in total poverty, I cant feel like shedding a tear about your private school".

I don't know. He just doesn't seem to realise that he had a better life than most people I know .

Maybe really privileged people are not aware of how privileged they are? As it is all they have ever known? But surely you would know that you are better off than other people.

Maybe he just doesn't care. ?

I would be thinking like you - that he should be grateful for the things that he had and not moan about little things .

But then again - just because someone is well off materially we can't expect them to be happy all the time.

It may well be that he didn't have a good relationship with his dad and it was more that he felt his dad wasn't personally supportive. And just because he went to a private school he may not have enjoyed being there - perhaps he struggled with the work, or he was bullied .

So - like most things - it's probably not as clear cut as you may initially think.

I suddenly feel inspired the re-watch the TV series The Book Group from about 20 years ago. And it's on All 4! Hope it's as good as I remember it being.

All those things are vastly easier to cope with if you have money, though. The difference between being able to afford a suitable home, transport and care and coping with the same disability while struggling to claim benefits in a humiliating, distressing system, unable to afford necessities is immense.
Being able to afford a new home and legal representation can make all the difference to a domestic abuse victim.
Addiction is devastating, but again being able to afford healthcare and a home makes a difference as it's harder being homeless.
My own experience of bereavement where I had to claim sickness benefits to survive and the trauma I went through was multiplied by the stigma, marginalisation and abuse that entails on top of the repeatedly being forced to relive the trauma in six monthly assessments meant I had nothing like the space to heal that my friends who received inheritances had: they were able to work part time or not at all, without the stigma and abuse being on benefits entails, they were able to take the time they needed, go on holidays if needed, keep their loved ones' belongings as long as they needed rather than be forced to throw all evidence of a life out within the allotted month.
Huge, huge differences.
Of course these things are hard for anyone, just it would be very inconsiderate for someone who has all the support money provides to complain about some aspect of that to someone who does not. And it happens a lot.

And yet you've both ended up at the same book club at the same time.

I'd pipe up every now and then, call out his privilege - not in a bad way - but to give him some balance. Just matter of factly 'I don't have a father' or 'I went to state school'

I mix with privileged people. Some are lovely with lots of empathy and social conscience and some are entitled twats.

I totally agree money makes things easier and I am sorry your lack of money made bereavement harder.
My parents had to have a direct cremation as we could not afford full funerals. And I had to go back to work after a very short time off as we needed money to pay the mortgage and eat. Money would have made this time a bit easier.

@MuraRocker It is very poor social skills. Who goes to a book club to make friends and moans about their fairly small problems? I would avoid someone like this.

Definitely an Alan problem he's a dick , you find them in walks of life.

It's not because he's rich or poor he's just a moany so and so

YANBU

You see it all the time, including on here. Many people are absolutely clueless how fortunate they are. Nearly always tories tbf.

Wealth doesn't equal emotional intelligence unfortunately.

I'm not rich (far from it!)

I know I have it a lot better than many, many people.

I still complain about things. Even trivial things, sometimes.

Doesn't everyone?

I should imagine he just lazily assumes he is talking to someone with similar life experiences. Also, maybe, he is not directly expressing the real cause of his complaints - eg is he really complaining that he felt unloved by his father, who had all the money in the world but who spent it in ways that kept up appearances rather than showed any real care or affection? I imagine it can feel pretty lonely to have a parent who thinks their only duty is to pay the school fees, but who doesn’t actually take any interest in your life.

Sometimes, very rich or privileged people complain about their life in the false belief that it makes them more likely to fit in with everyone else. So he may think that if he goes about saying how he was off to his lovely farm at the weekends, or he had a great holiday, or he enjoyed the facilities at his school and could recite Shakespeare in five languages as a result of studying there, then everyone would hate his guts. So he complains to appear more human and to demonstrate that he occasionally finds life difficult too.

I was going to say exactly this.

Also, beyond a certain level, material things do not make you any happier. They just don't.

Not the same as being rich from birth but I recently came into some money that means I don't have to worry. I appreciate it every day and look for ways I can help others (Donate to charity etc as a starter). But then I went through a time of not having much money at all so I know the difference and realise how much easier life is when you don't have to constantly worry about the cost of things.

Beyond a certain level yes. Many of us have not reached that level.
And it is not about new cars or anything like that. It is about choices.

I completely agree with this.

There will be so many things in your life that others may consider you to be fortunate to have (or not have) but that doesn’t mean you can’t be frustrated or complain about these parts of your life.

Alan sounds like an over-sharer but I think this is actually more of your issue. Not saying you are wrong to feel that way though, I feel the same when I hear people speak about their difficult births or how tough it is if the kids pick up a cold at nursery because I had a long hospital stay with my DS and we have been constantly in and out of hospital ever since. However, there are others that have children suffering with cancer or have even lost children who would be pissed off at me talking about my issues which pale into insignificance in comparison to theirs.

You need to practice feeling empathy for people from all walks of life and try to get to know them more. Often you will realise that everyone has their stuff. Most people have experienced grief, loss, abuse, fear etc no matter how rich or poor they are.

I think people can only know how privileged they are, if they have been much worse off in the past.

i remember many years ago when i were at college and i needed some black trousers for a work placement thing. I didn't own any black trousers, the tutor couldn't understand why i couldn't just go and buy some.

i was walking to college and back because the bus fair was too much, could i hell as afford some black trousers. It really annoyed me.

When the schools closed for covid, there were some of us still sending our children. I was one of them, one of the PTA put on the school facebook group about how we really have to think about if we can manage at home with the children, how we were risking the staffs health sending our children in. She had her 70 year old mother arriving at hers every morning to help her daughter with her school work and how we all have to do our bit.

i remember saying to her that most of us don't have family to help and what a tone deaf post it was ect.

I grew up on a council estate and now i have a very privileged life. I appreciate it, simply because i remember what we didn't have growing up.

i do think people are very oblivious to how the other half live.

Absolutely agree that financial stability brings freedom. And not everyone is at the level where they feel secure. What I was saying was, beyond a certain level where basic needs are met, it is the quality of relationships that contribute most to happiness. Whether you feel loved or not.

Totally agree.

In my experience people who are children of wealth tend to have existed in a bubble and rarely understand the struggles of those less fortunate.

I've also found that there are a surprisingly large number of people who have become well off through their own work who do not consider themselves to be privileged, like that guy on question time who refused to believe £80k a year was a top 5% salary, and again don't seem to be able to understand how others struggle.

The latter are the one's that annoy me more.

Why shouldn't he get to complain just like everyone else? It's all relative

You might've grown up without a father but atleast you had a mother OP, some people are orphaned at birth.

You might've grown up poor in the UK but that's nothing compared to poverty in third world countries, do you realise how privileged you are

It's not a race to the bottom. You don't need to compare, just make polite sympathetic noises and move on.

And fwiw I went to a private day school. It was fantastic in some ways in that it pushed me to get top grades and fulfil my academic potential. However I was bullied relentlessly, by students and some staff, it was very elitist in many ways and If you weren't one of the 'in crown' or 'favourites' you missed out on countless opportunities, and it left me with some real emotional scars. Am I never allowed to complain about any of that just cause we weren't in poverty? Or perhaps everyone's experiences deserve recognition and sympathy for crap they're dealing with even if they're privileged in other ways.

@undernotover I hate the phrase, race to the bottom. It is used to silence people who are poor all the time.