Do rich people know that they have it better than a lot of other people?

[Deemarie11]

I just think this is really interesting Im in a book club. In the book club is the poshest man I've ever met. Let's call him alan. He has told me his back story. His father owns a massive, massive farm. His father is also a chief director of another organisation, at the same time.
Alan went to private school. Alan plays rugby. Alan has a good job.
He is a nice enough man. But what strikes me is he is always,always complaining about his life.
And his problems are so trivial - when I know myself and alot of other people in the book club, had a far, far worse life than he did. Yet he complains the most

For example, one time he was complaining about how his father didn't help him get a job, when other peoples parents help them to get a job.

I was thinking "I didn't have a father at all", but I didn't say it. My father walked out on us when I was 3 and had nothing to do with me. I bit my tongue!

Next week Alan was complaining about the private school that he went to.

I was thinking "I grew up in total poverty, I cant feel like shedding a tear about your private school".

I don't know. He just doesn't seem to realise that he had a better life than most people I know .

Maybe really privileged people are not aware of how privileged they are? As it is all they have ever known? But surely you would know that you are better off than other people.

Maybe he just doesn't care. ?

It's all relative.

There are people in Afghanistan who have to do an entire days hard labour just to buy a single loaf of bread.

They would think that even the poorest in this country are extremely privileged and ridiculous for moaning.

I do think the more privileged you are, the more far removed you are from reality. I've started watching a few aristos on documentaries/YouTube and they have this really odd way of making you feel terribly sorry for them for something that that is an incredibly privileged problem. A stone Eagle thing fell off the entry gates in a Manor house and the owner was crying, saying she was utterly exhausted by the stress of it all, and another one water was leaking into the basement and had had ruined artwork that one of her dc had done in Y1. She was utterly distraught. I really, really felt for her then had to give my head a wobble.

You don't lose your right to complain just because you'd lose the top spot in the pain Olympics. It's a weird attitude to have but one that's becoming more common.
This guy is clearly a moany man. And actually, within his circles, he may have been treated less favourably than his peers. It's all relative and he has every right to complain if he wants to. Just because you didn't have a dad doesn't mean he can't complain about his.
There's a lot of child cruelty in upper classes, doesn't mean this guy was actually subject to it, but it doesn't give you the right to belittle his annoyances or generalise all rich people.
What it does give you, is the insight that you don't get on with him and won't be friends. You have every right to make that decision.
Obviously people who are in a different income bracket won't have an idea of day to day problems of people with other income. That's the case with every income bracket though, not just the richest. Should no one complain because you had it worse?

"rarely seen his parents".

Just to clarify on that point.
He wasn't sent to a boarding school. He attended as a day pupil at a private school, and he went home to his parents every night.

Why didn’t you say something to him?
I would have said ‘you are lucky to have a dad mine buggered off with the OW’. (That is actually mine, not sure what happened to your dad op)
Sometimes you have to be blunt with these self absorbed people to shut them up.

I think it's all relative really, nobody can be totally happy with their lot all the time abd if they have never struggled they can only compare it to their own experiences and context. I grew up in poverty and have been lucky enough to secure a successful career and now ear a decent salary of 70k. While I am by no means rich I appreciate every day how lucky I am that I dont need to worry about money, particularly when I read some of the threads on here about people struggling

I once got chatting to a woman who told me how proud she was of her son for starting his own business and making a success of it. "We didn't help him at all," she said. "It was all done by his own hard work and effort." She then went on to explain that she and her husband had put him through private school, paid his fees to study at the Sorbonne, and bought him a house.

I'm sure he did work hard on his business and good for him, but that isn't "no help at all". It made me think that some wealthy people are just completely blind to their own luck and privilege.

The interesting thing is that if people from genuinely underprivileged backgrounds even dare to mention it in passing then someone will instantly start pretending to play a violin or quoting ‘the three Yorkshiremen’ sketch. With Alan, though, everyone puts up with it.

Not sure whether you are being unreasonable or not tbh. The getting a job thing is weird but maybe he was very unhappy at school?

After some of the posts I've read recently, yanbu

@NoNameNowAgain Not in real life. This website is not friendly to anyone having a moan, even in genuinely horrible circumstances you'll find posters saying it's your own doing.

I voted YABU because I don’t think his complaints are that trivial really. I agree he comes from a wealthy, privileged background and so has much more life chances and opportunities than the average person. But that doesn’t mean a life of cake and champagne.

The complaint about an unsupportive father- fair complaint. And it’s even been shown that an absent father is better than an abusive father. So the no father scenario isn’t automatically worse than a present father.

The complaint about private/tuition paying school- you seem wholly ignorant of the brutality of some of these places towards children. Children age 7 or so are separated from their families and homes, and institutionalised. My father was sent to public boarding school in England from Nigeria. He was being regularly raped by older boys and instructors from age 7. He was beaten and caned. Isolated and bullied. He begged his parents to come home to Nigeria and their response was to say, you obviously are a weakling so you cannot even visit us on school holidays to toughen you up and build your character (he was a short & skinny boy/man with terrible eyesight). So he was stuck at the school during every holiday at the mercy of his rapists for a decade. He was essentially orphaned at age 7 because he didn’t see his parents again until he was 17 and went on to Cambridge University and they flew up for the leavers soiree at the school. My father was a deeply traumatised and damaged individual. This school also had day pupils, who were not as vulnerable as my father was but still it was a hellhole despite the high tuition and sterling reputation.

My friend is like this. She's from a wealthy family. Biggggg house bought for her as a wedding present. She's never had to work. Her dh took over his family firm that's thriving. . On the outside it looks like an amazing life. But she's miserable as sin!. Constantly complaining about her mom. For ridiculous things like her mom giving money (thousands) for birthdays instead of presents. That she didn't get a say in where her parents holiday home is. She's bored. Oh honestly it's just eye rolling stuff. But her problems are still her problems and although to me they are daft, I totally get that they are important or upsetting to her. But yeah it's hard to feel sympathy at times I'm not going to lie lol.

She struggles to be sympathetic to me because she's never experienced the things I have, and I hope she never does.

I don't think that's got anything to do with luck. It's bloody hard work a commitment to improve your life. I'm the same.

Alan sounds like a moan but maybe it just comes out for some reason in your book club? Maybe the subjects take him there? I have people who tell me they can’t imagine me moaning but others where for some reason every time I meet them I’m moaning!! Nothing to do with you but it could be wrong place at wrong time!!! (Ps change seats and leave someone else with Alan!) Also Ps what are you reading at the mo? (I’m an author and work in a book shop and am a bookaholic!!!)

I don't think they do really, no. I have a perfectly comfortable life, but was brought up with far more money than I have now and I still know many wealthy people. They have all the problems that everyone else does - relationships, work, mental health, kids etc. But they don't actually understand what they are NOT worrying about, housing insecurity, bills etc. They just don't really get it.

Yes, I am aware that my being wealthy is different to someone who is struggling.

It doesn't make me a better or worse person though and few people would guess the extent of my wealth. Battered car, charity shop clothes etc.

100% agree regarding the boarding school issue. As a spouse of someone who went from age 7 (boarding) it has lifelong consequences, not just for the individual but their partner and children etc. I strongly believe that every child who starts so young should be given some form of counselling during school to help prepare them to cope in the 'real' world.

There are so many adults who walk amongst us with huge abandonment issues due to this.

This.

I remember going spending time at a friends' house and one of her acquaintances was moaning continually about how she had to call her mother, how it was boring talking to her, how she would have to talk to her for at least 5 minutes, etc.

After politely inquiring what were the issues in her relationship with her mother, as I was aware at least one other person in the group had been subjected to parental abuse and at the time I was volunteering with OAPs who had lost closely related family members for various reasons, I then turned around and loudly said "At least your mother is alive to talk to. Mine is dead."

Being well off doesn't necessarily mean you have an easy life.ok, you might not have money worries but other things can be shit. I went to private school, my mum died when I was a child and my dad was an alcoholic. Bet you don't know what box to put me in now do you?!

Did your parents find your job for you? And when you didn't did you moan about it?

It’s both luck and hard work. Tons of people work hard and get nowhere or even worse off than before. You need both to succeed.

Well considering my mum was dead and my well off father was in an alcoholic stupor...no. what's your point anyway?

I’d like to think so. I can only speak for myself, of course. Me and my DH are very ‘comfortable’ both financially, emotionally and family-wise. We frequently reflect on how very, very fortunate we are, in our lives and our circumstances, and explicitly recognise and reflect that many many people in our lives and interactions are not as lucky/ fortunate/ privileged as us.
I’m probably going to be flamed for being smug now

I mean, arguably you could say this about anyone complaining about anything.

"It could be worse"

He's obviously a person that just enjoys moaning.

We all have our own problems and it would be pretty unfair to expect everyone to always caveat every little thing they say.