Do rich people know that they have it better than a lot of other people?

[Deemarie11]

I just think this is really interesting Im in a book club. In the book club is the poshest man I've ever met. Let's call him alan. He has told me his back story. His father owns a massive, massive farm. His father is also a chief director of another organisation, at the same time.
Alan went to private school. Alan plays rugby. Alan has a good job.
He is a nice enough man. But what strikes me is he is always,always complaining about his life.
And his problems are so trivial - when I know myself and alot of other people in the book club, had a far, far worse life than he did. Yet he complains the most

For example, one time he was complaining about how his father didn't help him get a job, when other peoples parents help them to get a job.

I was thinking "I didn't have a father at all", but I didn't say it. My father walked out on us when I was 3 and had nothing to do with me. I bit my tongue!

Next week Alan was complaining about the private school that he went to.

I was thinking "I grew up in total poverty, I cant feel like shedding a tear about your private school".

I don't know. He just doesn't seem to realise that he had a better life than most people I know .

Maybe really privileged people are not aware of how privileged they are? As it is all they have ever known? But surely you would know that you are better off than other people.

Maybe he just doesn't care. ?

I appreciate things I have now because I did not grow up with them. However, my dh grew up with the lifestyle we currently enjoy and I don’t think he truly appreciates it.

I think it varies. Some congratulate themselves to a fault on their caring and hard working families!

Some people are just very negative people. Maybe his dad thought he was becoming entitled and should stand on his own two feet?

He sounds like an emotional drain. Doesn't just afflict rich people.

Maybe really privileged people are not aware of how privileged they are? As it is all they have ever known? But surely you would know that you are better off than other people.
Maybe he just doesn't care. ?

Maybe being privileged doesn't mean you forfeit your right to complain about anything, ever, in case someone might have it worse than you?

That’s an Alan problem, not a money issue.

Some people are dicks, regardless of whether they’re rich or poor.

Name changed for this.. in my experience my VERY wealthy MIL has absolutely no idea, why would she, she's never had to move in circles 'lower' than hers. Everything given to her on a plate, from day one until now.

I've met other wealthy people and unless they come from nothing and work their way up they genuinely don't seem to grasp the concept of how the rest of 'us' live.

I've also found with MIL and her partner they ate NEVER content, a grand Sense of entitlement and boredom means always wanting something else etc.

Thing is OP all the lovely things you have in your life now you will always be so much more grateful for because those things did not come easy. My OH had a very privileged upbringing & he will never know the struggles we had when my Dad left. But that's not his fault, just the roll of the dice. I appreciate every lovely thing I have because I once never knew if I'd have them. And despite the hardships endured its brilliant to just appreciate. Something Alan will probably never understand & in a way I think even if you are well off, if you don't appreciate it, you'll never know what you've got.

Actually, he sounds like someone who overshares. Criticising your parents to a casual acquaintance isn’t very normal so I think he may be a socially unaware altogether.

Not every rich person has a great life though. Using private school as an example, children can still be horrendously bullied in private schools. It doesn't mean they had a good experience just because their parents paid for it. Alan does sound a bit tone deaf though.

My dh had 2 years at a pivate school (necessity due to his parents' job). It was completely and utterly the worst 2 years of his life and caused significant psychological damage.

I agree with this. There’s always someone who has it worse than you so you’d never be able to complain about anything!

Everyone has stuff in their life that annoys them, and everyone complains about it. Everyone.

People on Mumsnet complain. They don’t constantly think “Thank goodness I don’t live in North Korea where I’d get sent to a concentration camp for life if my dad defected to the West so I’d better be grateful for my lot, or thank goodness I don’t live in Malawi where life expectancy is age 30, how lucky I am I’d better not complain about my DH problems on Mumsnet I mean some people have Ebola/cancer so how can I possibly do anything except celebrate every detail of my life. We complain about parenting troubles instead of thinking “Some people have no children so I’d better not complain about mine.”

Let him complain, or avoid him, but don’t sulk about his problems unless you’ve never complained about anything yourself. And just because his school was private doesn’t mean there wasn’t bullying, sexual assault etc.

I don't think it's anything to do with being rich, he just sounds like a whinger. I've known whingers who were rich and who were poor. Whatever situation they're in, they'll find something to complain about.

Depends on how much exposure they have had go have to other half live.

My DH is wealthy, and grew up overseas in a country very unlike the UK. He is a kind and generous man but simply doesn’t understand the abject poverty that many people live in. He will completely wave off £50, £100 as ‘not a lot of money’…with zero understanding that people are trying to feed their families on that amount per month. Many of his ‘essentials’ are complete luxuries.

He is getting better- he has married a front line public sector worker from a blue collar background who pulls him up on this after all , but there is a universe where he could be bumbling around like Alan forever.

My daughter will grow up very privileged and I am desperate for this Alan-ness to not rub off onto her.

Unless you are a very skilled and hilarious complainer then I think it does mean you should select your audience very carefully.

What @Dontaskdontget said.

He complains that his dad didn’t help him get a job. You are on here on complaining about a man at your book group.

Someone could argue that his complaint is much more significant that yours .

YABU. Just become someone has it worse than you doesn’t mean your problems aren’t as important as theirs.

This is a question to which there is no answer. Your Alan may have been sexually abused at private school, fed poorly, rarely seen his parents from 7-18 and during holidays not had much time with them anyway. The education may have been terrible as well. BUT he seems to be enfeebled if he couldn't get the job he wanted without parental help.

I would actually speak up and tell Alan he is privileged and shouldn't whinge since the majority of people in the UK let alone elsewhere have it worse, and he was born male which still gives an added advantage in the UK.

But I would say a large proportion of those privileged in this way do not understand how hard life can be and make ignorant assumptions.

But I would say a large proportion of those privileged in this way do not understand how hard life can be and make ignorant assumptions. if the privilege includes being sent to boarding school at 7 I would say perhaps there are a large proportion of people who don’t understand how hard that can be.

I'm assuming his book group chums aren't intimate friends. People who whinge on about all the injustices they've suffered to passing acquaintances tend to be very boring.

Lots of people who've been born to money don't realise their privilege. But Alan may just be one of life's natural bores.

There’s always someone doing better than us, and always someone doing worse. It doesn’t mean your problems don’t matter or you’re not allowed to be unhappy about something.

I find this about middle income people too though. They have only ever moved in this circles so don't appreciate what they have as its normal.

I guess we are all like that, in our own way. I don't go through my life appreciating not living in a war zone, for example.

Why are you biting your tongue? If you feel this strongly about it say something? You don't have to be rude

It's not oppression Olympics @Deemarie11 - you can drown in a puddle you know.

Just because you deem something trivial doesn't mean he does. If he's been through "less stressful" things than you he might also have lower emotional resilience.