Do rich people know that they have it better than a lot of other people?

[Deemarie11]

I just think this is really interesting Im in a book club. In the book club is the poshest man I've ever met. Let's call him alan. He has told me his back story. His father owns a massive, massive farm. His father is also a chief director of another organisation, at the same time.
Alan went to private school. Alan plays rugby. Alan has a good job.
He is a nice enough man. But what strikes me is he is always,always complaining about his life.
And his problems are so trivial - when I know myself and alot of other people in the book club, had a far, far worse life than he did. Yet he complains the most

For example, one time he was complaining about how his father didn't help him get a job, when other peoples parents help them to get a job.

I was thinking "I didn't have a father at all", but I didn't say it. My father walked out on us when I was 3 and had nothing to do with me. I bit my tongue!

Next week Alan was complaining about the private school that he went to.

I was thinking "I grew up in total poverty, I cant feel like shedding a tear about your private school".

I don't know. He just doesn't seem to realise that he had a better life than most people I know .

Maybe really privileged people are not aware of how privileged they are? As it is all they have ever known? But surely you would know that you are better off than other people.

Maybe he just doesn't care. ?

I think it’s best to just look at each complaint on an individual basis. We shouldn’t prejudge a complaint as daft or eye rolling because it’s coming from a person more privileged than we ourselves are. There is always someone above and beneath you. Compassion means reaching out across these divides.

I mean you could go even further. Do you wake up grateful that you live in a developed country with clean running water? Do you know how lucky you are not to live in a warzone? There's always someone worse off and someone better off than you. Some people are grateful and some people moan about everything.

You could say this about anyone. I went through 10 years of IVF treatment before my rainbow baby, grew up in abject poverty in an abusive home & snuck out at night to work a few hours at the local factory on £2/hr to afford trips. Couldn’t afford uni so I worked my way up. If I let my experiences define how much (or little) I sympathise with people I would loathe everyone.

You are actually a glass half full person and not moany like Alan.

If I hadn't asked you silly question you wouldn't have given me a blunt and truthful answer that reveals that you have had more crap in your life than your initial comment.

You don’t have limited stores of empathy though, you can feel sorry that someone’s lost something which holds huge sentimental value to them.

I agree with this.
And I find the people who have the most often are the ones who complain the most.

They are strangers going through very ordinary everyday issues that are really not a big deal.

I do appreciate living in a safe country with clean water.
But I have lived in different countries so I think have a wider perspective than some people.

So what? Most people are strangers to other people, you can still feel sorry for them that they’ve had something upsetting happen to them. It doesn’t cost you anything or take anything away from your own issues to feel sorry that someone else is upset about something.

But I wouldn’t phone someone in a war zone to complain about my perfectly unexceptional upbringing.

Not rich but not on the breadline and I do appreciate that I am lucky and can do a grocery shop without worrying about not having enough to pay for it (even with the huge price increases). And having water and heating etc etc

My ds is doing an extra curricular activity and loving it...it has cost us new clothes / lifts to training etc and I am conscious that there may be some in his school that would like to do it but just don't have the extra money. I think the school would help if they knew but some kids would be too proud to ask 😟. I do tell my kids they are lucky to be able to do things, it's not something to take for granted.

People experience thier problems as their problems. It's always possible to think 'well someone had it worse'. You may not have had a father, other people may have had one who abused them. Does that mean you should never mention the negatives you experienced?

Now, of course there are times when a bit of sense needs to be applied, at a charity event, at work in certain sectors and other such times when talking openly about your own gripes would be tone deaf but a book clubs isn't one of them. It's just a social event.

I have a colleague a little like this when you first meet him and I realised after a couple of months that he is worried people will think he’s a spoilt overprivileged brat (he has come from a financially secure background) so he has a bit of a whinge as a bonding thing with new people particularly.

I can see if he sat there either in silence or banging on about how wonderful his life was and is then it would be grating. He’s actually really nice but went to Eton and people are very snide about it. and actually I don’t think his life is that perfect at all and he restricts his moans to late trains or a leak in the conservatory roof for the third time that year or his teen son running up a whopping bill on some app. He does, on the other hand, celebrate other people’s wins - his assistant’s daughter got great GCSEs and he gave them a huge voucher to a really fancy restaurant in London where some other twats in the office were really chippy about her pleasure.

anyway. He didn’t send his son to Eton and he easily could and when I asked if he thought about he muttered how miserable he was there.

I do wonder what the very wealthy think of the few hundred pounds being thrown to the poor for energy costs, carers living on £67 a week..

This is much more to do with self-awareness than how posh someone is. I'd consider myself pretty comfortable. Certainly, I have a nicer lifestyle than most people I know, went to private school, am trying to be sensible but not overly concerned about cost of living, etc. I hope I don't complain about everything (I'm pretty sure I don't) and I am acutely aware that my circumstances are different than many people around me. Actually, I find it quite uncomfortable.

But there is always going to be someone who is a mindless twat. I know someone who earns £250K a year with a Christmas bonus of about £100K. They complain about everything. It's not because of their wealth and actually I wouldn't describe them as 'posh' (they make a lot, but don't 'come from money' if that makes sense and you would never guess how much they have in the bank). But some people are just miserable and have no self-awareness of their own privileges.

I have an aunt who is pretty wealthy, owned several business before retiring and married to a man who earned a very nice wage working overseas for many years. They own a nice big house and drive a big new fancy Range Rover and are ALWAYs on holiday somewhere fancy like the south of France. Always dressed in designer labels and dripping with gold jewellery.

I've been on disability benefits for the past decade, I haven't been on holiday in 12 years and live in social housing. Whenever they see me (thankfully not very often due to all of their holidays!) they choose ME to whinge about their "money woes" and how they'll have to rent their house out as an AirB&B to make ends meet etc, it's mind boggling and it pisses me off no end. They are other completely clueless or just nasty cunts.

And this guys isn't either, he is chatting to people at a book club. Wouldn't it be worse from him to somehow make assumptions about everyone elses 'hardship ranking' and try to tailor his conversation. OP said she has never mentioned her background so how would this person know anyway?

Wouldn't it be worse from him to somehow make assumptions about everyone elses 'hardship ranking' and try to tailor his conversation.

No.

Everyone has problems. It's just that your reference point moves.

It's like earnings. People on low wages look at people on high wages and think wouldn't it be great to earn that. But generally your lifestyle just expands to accommodate the amount extra you're paid, and you still have the same issues juggling things to make everything add up. It's just the things you have to juggle are stuff like pony lessons rather than whether you are going to have enough to eat.

There are people who have much more money than they need, but they are few and far between.

Did you grow up in total poverty in the U.K. though? Because if you did then realistically you’ve still had it FAR better than those born into poverty in the third world. I wonder if you even appreciated having running water, free vaccinations/healthcare and an education.

…. It’s a vicious circle OP. I appreciate my current life much more because of the challenges I’ve faced getting here BUT I don’t invalidate others struggles just because their life has been easier in comparison. There is ALWAYS someone who has had it much worse than you and it’s just toxic to compete. You never know if you’re getting the whole story and I also think people from poverty backgrounds (myself included) don’t actually understand the emotional struggles of things like being dumped in boarding school or made to constantly compete with other materialistic emotionally void rich kids. There’s loads of substance abuse, sexual abuse, eating disorder and general misery in a lot of private schools. I used to work with many privately educated people and it really opened my eyes tbh.

Hmmm... I read something really interesting in a book written by an Auschwitz survivor who became a psychotherapist after. She said that 2 clients who she has seen one after another had 2 v different types of problems (first had a v ill DD and the second got a different shade of yellow in her new Ferrari), however their brain perceived the same amount of pain/distress.

I remember having a v rich mate at uni, you should've heard his problems and the drama.

MIL can be a bit tone deaf about poverty, she isn’t poor yet but her money is running out. She grew up in a huge house with servants and then married well and remained privileged having a housekeeper and children inc my DH go to really expensive private schools. She divorced about 25 years ago. So the housekeeper went and she did do some private tutoring but she also received a couple of decent inheritances.

Even the thought of not being able to have her private dentist and medical care and not shop exclusively at Waitrose organically means she thinks she is really poor. It is a circumstance change but you would think it’s the end of the world.

He didn't go to boarding school. He was a day pupil at a private school

But your post was well written. Thanks.