Being honest, if it didn't hurt anyone would you want this?

[Blubba]

I was thinking about this last night and although I absolutely love my husband, if I knew it wouldn't hurt him, I'd love to have a more open relationship and I wondered how many people would also prefer that if they knew it wouldn't cause upset / hurt to their spouse or partner?

In reality, my husband would never agree and so I'd never bring it up as I know it would cause an issue the fact I'd even brought it up but in an alternate universe where it wouldn't cause any upset, I think I'd prefer it to a complete monogamy.

Anyone else?

YABU - Even if I could do so without causing any problems in my relationship, I still wouldn't.

YANBU - I would prefer a more open relationship IF it didn't affect my current relationship/marriage.

This. The longest one I know of made it to ten years.
There's a fair cross section of couples who were always open vs those who chose to open the relationship later. Some of them ended amicably and some explosively, but they all ended.

No.

I know a few polyamorous couples and the jealousy is insane. Absolutely insane.

even the ones willingly entering into a new relationship from single it’s there. It’s really hard to avoid.

Been together with OH for nearly 30 years, some of that time we had an open relationship, we didn't love each other any different to when we haven't had an open relationship.

We never went out looking for someone else, we just slept with people if we wanted to and it was part of a good night out or whatever.

We slept with a few people, then we stopped doing it, not for any particular reason we just grew out of it

What people "want" and what is good for them are usually two vastly different things. I think it's exceedingly rare that open relationships are as happy and long-lived as truly committed ones, but of course many "non-open" relationships fail, also, because too many people are selfish and too weak to deny themselves momentary gratification for the greater good.

God no, I can barely be arsed with one man, never mind more

ditto

What happens if you get pregnant, what do you tell your child who their father is, not your husband but some random you shag occasionally at a party

Yes, probably.

I don't equate love and sex at all. And I enjoy casual sex (or did last time I could do it!). I wouldn't want to have multiple romantic relationships, but 'just' casual sex, then yes. DH fills all my romantic and emotional relationship needs. He fills my sexual needs as well, except that I enjoy casual sex!

No, YABU. If you don't find monogamy the exciting thing, you have no business being married. Why marry if you'd rather have multiple relationships? I am assuming no-one forced you to get married?

According to studies humans are naturally semi-monogamous mammals, meaning the ideal mating strategy is to have one long term partner and sleep with others on occasion (unlike other mammals that either mate for life or never couple up).

I'd personally like an open relationship (my husband wouldn't) but I don't think emotionally either of us could cope with it. So I think it's monogamy for me

Why are some people so determined to believe that something they don't like couldn't possibly work for other people?

In every scenario that I've ever known of open relationships or swinging, its always been instigated by one party and grudgingly gone along with by the other

Depends how you meet, though, doesn't it? Some couples meet through swinging.

Marriage is a financial contract.

I'm not saying it's a good idea to marry someone you don't love or don't want to sleep with, but it's not at all unusual to marry for security.

Ive never seen a frank (honest?) warts and all account on threads like these from people claiming to be swingers/ in an open marriage.

Its always gushing about how fantastic swinging is, what an amazing relationship they have (better than non swingers!) how enriched their life is, how mind blowing the sex is etc.

It makes me suspicious, like they’re protesting too much 😂
I mean like anything it must have downsides, bring up uncomfortable emotions, even just acknowledging that you had a really crap night at your local sex party last week when the sex with Dave and Angela was a terrible letdown .

Wow. I'm polyamorous and my relationship is what most would call an "open relationship" (although I hate that term).

I don't think it's very fair to make such sweeping statements about relationships that are different to yours. Were you hurt in a poly arrangement before? If so, I'm sorry, but it doesn't excuse the fact that you're spreading hurtful and misleading statements which have the potential to make people think less of me and my partner.

Its always gushing about how fantastic swinging is, what an amazing relationship they have (better than non swingers!) how enriched their life is, how mind blowing the sex is etc.

I'm seeing that in spades on this thread from both sides of the debate.

Not in my experience. I know the theory is that if you're upfront from the outset and clear on the parameters and rules its different but in every case I've known there's always been a power imbalance and jealousy has crept in.

Multiple couples I have known have met and begun the relationships as very "open" and gone into it in the understanding that it's all good as long as everyone is transparent and open. In every single case one partner has become possessive over time and wanted monogamy or something approaching monogamy and its always become a sticking point.

Maybe the people I know are the exception and I'm fully prepared to believe some people can pull it off but I've yet to come across an open relationship that genuinely works over the long term.

It’s understandable that’s your experience of it.

When it’s not an equal thing it’s bound to end in disaster - just in the same way anything else done to try and keep/save a relationship will eventually.

One thing to keep in mind though is that you have no idea if you know happy swingers. I’ve been a swinger since my teens and only one of my friends knows. There are people I’ve known 20+ years who have zero idea it’s something I’m into. It’s just not something I share with people other than those in clubs and other swingers I know. That is something that’s very, very common in my experience. Very few people, especially those with children, are open about their choices with everyone because it’s just not necessary imo.

So it’s also quite probably a lot like the nightmare MIL/ lazy husband thing as well - we hear a lot more about the situations where there are problems are brought up and talked about a lot more than the people who just quietly get on quite happily.

Long-term monogamy with the same partner is not "natural", but that statement has caveats.

As a rule, people have never historically been in long-term monogamous relationships because spouses died from illness, disease, in childbirth, from violence, and from infection. The average Victorian marriage lasted about seven years because of these reasons. Folk just died (or ran off and were presumed dead or missing).

So it would be more accurate to say that serial monogamy is what is more "natural" from a historical perspective. It was certainly not unknown for people to have been married twice during their lives prior to the 20th century; life practically demanded it.

Everything has downsides. Swinging is just life - sometimes it’s fucking amazing and other times it doesn’t go as planned. Sometimes it’s completely frustrating because you have fun plans and they get stuffed by childcare, unexpectedly heavy period, work etc. Just as any other thing.

You may find people very reluctant to be open on here because of the replies it gets. I was quite open on a thread before and someone replied that my children were obviously unsafe (because DH and I go to swingers clubs) around such disgusting people and if they could work out my identity they’d report to social services.

I’ll happily chat to anyone who wants to ask anything by PM but I won’t ever be truly open on here after that level of vitriol.

Ok JustLyra that’s fair enough. 🙂

No, I like simplicity.

my children were obviously unsafe (because DH and I go to swingers clubs) around such disgusting people and if they could work out my identity they’d report to social services.

Surely, as long as you've got a babysitter sorted, it's no different from going out to a non-swinging party or the theatre or a harvest supper with the church or whatever.

Why would people want to post something like that, after they’ve read dozens of posts being critical, insulting, rude, or questioning their love for their partner?

But I’ll bite. We’ve never had a bad experience of being open. Mostly, I imagine, because most of the people we play with are our close friends so there’s already a good baseline of being comfortable around each other, love, trust, care, mutual respect, and a shared sense of humour for when you inevitably knock heads at some point. Yes, occasionally I’ve had sex with somebody at a play party and it’s been a bit meh - that’s just how it goes sometimes. You grin about it and move on. Yes, very occasionally I’ve had an emotional blip and I’ve developed the emotional literacy to be able to know that what I have a problem with is if he wants to have sex with a woman who I dislike and wouldn’t want to be friends with. That’s my line in the sand. And it’s good that we’ve established it. If I think a woman is a bit of a dick, I don’t want my husband putting his dick in her! This stuff matters.

DH and I do have an amazing relationship, not because we’re open but because we’re compatible, we have a lot of great sex, we’re good at communication, we don’t argue, we care about each other more than we care about being right, we’re naturally gregarious, and we just get on. I don’t think non-monogamy is better than monogamy; although it is definitely better for us.

I've managed to not get pregnant by accident through my entire 23 years of shagging and if somehow it happened I wouldn't be having a baby so this is a really stupid question

@SmileyClare I just choose not to justify myself
but for FWIW, sometimes it's a bit shit and we argue. More interesting than arguing over who puts the bins out though 🤷🏼‍♀️