Being honest, if it didn't hurt anyone would you want this?

[Blubba]

I was thinking about this last night and although I absolutely love my husband, if I knew it wouldn't hurt him, I'd love to have a more open relationship and I wondered how many people would also prefer that if they knew it wouldn't cause upset / hurt to their spouse or partner?

In reality, my husband would never agree and so I'd never bring it up as I know it would cause an issue the fact I'd even brought it up but in an alternate universe where it wouldn't cause any upset, I think I'd prefer it to a complete monogamy.

Anyone else?

YABU - Even if I could do so without causing any problems in my relationship, I still wouldn't.

YANBU - I would prefer a more open relationship IF it didn't affect my current relationship/marriage.

Who do you decide who to spend special occasions with?

How is that more difficult than deciding, "shall we invite family for dinner, or friends, or both or no one?"

@EBearhug what about birthdays and Christmas

It may get confusing if your long term relationship getting boring is the reason you get into it.

if it’s not then it’s not remotely confusing.

I’ve never once been confused between my DH and anyone else we’ve swung with.

And once again it gets to the “what about the children” angle.

Hopefully those of you who commented that you’d never seen people openly discussing it easily on here can now see why people don’t

Most people, if they have a primary partner, would spend Christmas with that partner. If that partner was a Christmas grinch, or worked shifts, or had DC from another relationship, or one of the many situations where Christmas arrangements are tricky anyway, they might spend it with another partner or with a friend or with a sibling. Is this not the case for monogamous couples?

Are children involved?

If so, and they are all emotionally healthy and having all their needs meet I have no problem with it.

I think my child's mental and emotional health will survive me having dinner with someone who isn't my husband a couple of times a year.

@ComtesseDeSpair most monogamous couples (especially long term) would spend Christmas together and usually birthdays too

All very "Woe is me!" Tell me a subject you CAN talk about on mumsnet without getting criticism. It comes with the territory unfortunately. If you silence yourself because you can't cope with some posters who have negative opinions then that's on you.

Yes because everyone loves posting about things that gets them called abusive toward their children…

Most of the couples I know, monogamous or otherwise, have a big birthday party with all of their many friends!

I’d imagine the differences aren’t going to be between monogamous or non-monogamous but all the other differences in people’s lifestyles. My social group are young(ish), affluent, virtually all childfree, with many expats. Our Christmases and birthdays and weekend plans are, I suspect, going to look very different to yours regardless of how many people either of us have sex with in a year.

I think this is likely to be the least complicated thing about a consensually non-monogamous life. Surely nobody chooses monogamy because they can't work out how to do Christmas and birthdays otherwise.

You cannot have a relationship without emotions getting involved.

You can. I meet my 'girlfriends' for drinks and sex. It's not meant to be a relationship which competes with the one I have with my husband.

It's just sex, and different sex to what I have with my DH.

I suppose some people can have “unemotional “ sex and some can’t? I think as a general rule men are “better” at that than women. Simply because they prefer “visual” stimulation and are able to have what I would call selfish sex (just focusing on their needs in the moment).

It strikes me that there are a million different variations of an “open” relationship

. It could be one couple attending a swingers party in a nightclub once a month and having sex with random people who they’re barely on first name terms with, it could be having a couple of close friends who are a regular feature in your home, you swap partners and celebrate Christmas together and are all very bonded together.

Its been an educational thread. I thought swingers were couples in committed relationships seeking no string sex with other couples. I can’t help thinking that if there are a lot of singles in the swingers scene then it’s heavily overloaded with men?
Then there are people who’ve met their husband while swinging which I don’t really understand as it breaks the idea of no strings sex?

it is without a doubt not the norm which is why people are wary, intrigued or feel threatened of it.
Swinging remains a source of comedy material too. Many sitcoms feature episodes where encountering a swinging couple is the source of the jokes.

I can’t help thinking that if there are a lot of singles in the swingers scene then it’s heavily overloaded with men?

I haven't been on the scene for a long time but from memory, there were more men than women...but also more women than you might think. A lot of places would charge more for single men, less for couples (one man, one woman) and least of all for single women.

@ReneBumsWombats so you pay for sex?

No, I paid for entry, like I do for any other club.

I can’t help thinking that if there are a lot of singles in the swingers scene then it’s heavily overloaded with men?

that depends how you define 'the scene'
on fabswingers? Yes, by far, and they are always posting in the forum complaining they can't get a response. Most women and couples don't want to hook up with single men from fab, but many men on there think it's tinder with fewer steps. It ain't!

in clubs that allow single men in yes they outnumber women and couples but usually only end up watching rather than joining as they have to have something very special to get invited to join!

we don't go to clubs with single men any more as I don't like it. We go to couple and single women nights and private parties which are usually 50/50 or weighted with more single women as it's a fun and safe way to play if you're a single woman.

single men wish they were swingers but most are observers to be honest. There are women on fab who will meet single men and I'm sure they have a lot of fun but they aren't the majority. Most are in couples.

Hahaha don't be ridiculous

clubs all have entry fees don't they? You pay to go in and then you do whatever you want to do within the club rules, just like any other club. How are you getting 'paying for sex' from that?!

I'd forgotten how absolutely incapable some MNers are of conceiving of any other lifestyle, no matter how consensual and above board. To the point where they don't know the difference between paying to enter a venue, because it costs to hold an event, and paying for sex. Just as well you don't go to these places with such a poor understanding of consent. You wouldn't be welcome if you thought everyone who paid for entry was now entitled to sex. You'd be slung out on your ear.I never got unwanted gropes or hassle in any sex clubs. Consent was absolute king there. In the ordinary ones, I couldn't cross the floor without hands on my bum or waist and creeps close dancing even after I tried to get away.

Yeah that’s unfair to say. I would think there’s no guarantee of sex regardless of how much you’ve paid to attend an event.

The documentary I watched, there were lots of singles and couples who didn’t get invited to join anything and just milled about trying to disguise their disappointment 😂

So why the difference in price for single men than there is for single women?

I think I went to clubs about three times before I let anyone touch me. I was young, single and relatively attractive at the time...much in demand. But the first few times, I just wanted to scope it out and see how it was. And of course, initially I was nervous. Of course people approached me, but as soon as I made it clear I wasn't up for action, they backed right off and usually even apologised (no need, they hadn't done anything wrong).

It was actually very relaxing and friendly. More talking and getting to know people than ordinary clubs, never saw any drunkenness. The only thing you're obliged to do is keep it all consensual, respectful and legal.

Because they were trying to encourage more single women in, obviously. There weren't as many of them. It wasn't all places, just some of them.

And at the same time this was happening, mainstream clubs and bars were having "girls drink free" nights for a worse version of the same reason.

Obviously because they want more women on these nights otherwise it would be a club full of disappointed horny men and nobody would come back!!

doesn't mean any man who attends is guaranteed sex!! Nobody is. That's not what you're paying for!

This conversation is reminding me of how, for all the demonisation and moral outrage, people in the scene had a much better understanding of consent than many people outside.

Fancy thinking that entering the club entitled you to sex! Unbelievable.