Being honest, if it didn't hurt anyone would you want this?

[Blubba]

I was thinking about this last night and although I absolutely love my husband, if I knew it wouldn't hurt him, I'd love to have a more open relationship and I wondered how many people would also prefer that if they knew it wouldn't cause upset / hurt to their spouse or partner?

In reality, my husband would never agree and so I'd never bring it up as I know it would cause an issue the fact I'd even brought it up but in an alternate universe where it wouldn't cause any upset, I think I'd prefer it to a complete monogamy.

Anyone else?

YABU - Even if I could do so without causing any problems in my relationship, I still wouldn't.

YANBU - I would prefer a more open relationship IF it didn't affect my current relationship/marriage.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I can’t think of anything worse than pushing a small human out of my vagina, possibly destroying my body in the process, and then having to be responsible for it for the next two decades. But it clearly brings many people great joy, so all power to them. And I don’t wander onto threads in the childbirth section and post “Ewwwww!” in response to posters planning a vaginal birth; or the IVF section to tell posters their infertility is god’s way of telling them to be childfree; or TTC section to tell people planning their second baby that I think it’s a shame their first child isn’t enough for them, that they clearly don’t love it enough if they feel the need to have a second child, how sad etc.

Fair enough. I'm pretty sure I've never gone "ewww" at the prospect of non monogamous relationships. Each to their own and I've said several times it's not a moral standpoint from me.

My point is rather than I suspect that a lot people who think a lot about sex with people other than their partner actually deep down don't really want to be with their partner at all any more but haven't fully allowed themselves to acknowledge this. I'm sure there is a subset of people who genuinely love person A but think about shagging persons B, C and D a lot. And I'm prepared to be shot down as a misogynist but based on my own experience and a lot of anecdata based on conversations with my friends over the years, I think very few women actually really want this.

In my experience wanting to have sex with a lot of people who aren't your partner is often an early warning sign from the subconscious that your official partner is no longer cutting it for you. But then I'm also someone who believes in getting out when the going is good, I don't believe in "in sickness and in health" or "working through problems" or any of that guff. Make hay while the sun shines, leave when it stops.

I think “your own experience” and what you suspect based on your own thoughts is an absolutely fine way to approach the choices you make for your own relationships. All power to you for making relationship choices which are right for you. Your experience doesn’t reflect how I feel or have ever felt, though.

The more than one child is a good comparison. I’ll be honest: for a long time I assumed that’s why people had more than one child, because they were a bit disappointed with the first one. Why bother going through the stress and pain and tiredness and all the crap a second time if you truly loved your first child?

However, enough parents readily say that this is not their experience. That they had a second child because it enhances their family, and because love expands rather than diminishes. And I believe them. I don’t tell them that they’re kidding themselves, because I can’t conceive of what they say being how they feel. And I’d appreciate their acknowledgement in return that, whilst they can’t imagine feeling the same way, for me having more than one sexual partner enhances my life in the way having more than one child does theirs.

There are people, male and female, who go into swinging for the wrong reasons - to keep their relationship, to fix their sex lives, to control their partner, but they’re not genuine swingers.

They’re no different to the people who have a sticking plaster baby when they know the relationship is doomed, or who get married after 20 years to try and fix things.

They’re absolutely not the norm though. They’re very much in the minority, and they don’t tend to be around the lifestyle for very long because it simply doesn’t work (in the same way other desperate measures don’t work).

Agreed!

This is very interesting. DH had an open relationship with full consent on both sides, during his first marriage. They carried on like this for ten years. As long as the other knew what was happening it was fine. Until he took it too far with somebody a lot closer to home (a sort of relative of hers) and they split up. Fair enough he was in the wrong. But they’d been blurring the boundaries for a long time IMO. Now open relationships are completely not ok with me, and DH and I are agreed. He feels he is older for a start and part of his initial problem had been that she was his first sexual partner and he hadn’t sown any wild oats. Also, she never orgasmed (with him) despite their so called adventurousness. He didn’t feel particularly loved. The fact that I do enjoy our sex life , he likes a lot. He says he loves me and could never ever contemplate sharing me like he did before. I trust him (tbh he works at home and I always know where he is. I was freaked out in the early years but the trust grew) Only with years of hindsight (which is where I’m going with this) he realises they had an open relationship because they were not sexually compatible and not in love . OP you may not love him. Don’t do this .

I’ve done both. Monogamy (with my late DH) was better. More contentment, less anxiety and better sex.

To be honest if it didn't hurt anyone then, yes, I would. But in my experience it hurt everyone, my husband, my other partner and her husband. Absolute nightmare.

No, it sounds bleak.

And I can’t help thinking of that swinging couple in ‘Benidorm’.

I'm in this gang!

I absolutely adore flirting with men and women. It makes me feel confident and can help with work matters going in my favour (zero shame - some men are easy to manipulate!) but it absolutely stops there.

My DH is my world, my partner and my best friend. It would destroy me to hurt him and I'm fairly confident he feels the same way. DH knows I'm only interested in him. So no; I wouldn't be interested in this.

Lost my love for Neil Gaiman a bit. Not because he had an open marriage but because he wouldn't stop talking about how much better it made them than anyone else. Then they had a weird public breakdown and divorce

The time to play the field is before you make those vows to one person. Sex within a relationship with someone you've made a commitment to is special, even if it's not the same most amazing sex you've ever had. I expect to keep my vows and I expect DH to keep his.

I must admit Alan Partridge keeps popping in my head "they're sex people, Lynn"!

There's a difference between swinging and an open relationship isn't there? The former being more "partner/ wife swapping, group sex as part of a couple" the other meaning having one or more sexual relationships outside the marriage.?

@Pleasecreateausername13

I'm 100% monogamous and so is my DH (some might say we are a bit dull, even!) but I have to challenge you on your emphatic statement.

Of course some people enjoy open relationships of varying sorts whilst still loving their partners. We are not all the same.

I think its a bit silly if you to claim to know how the entire human race thinks.

No interest at all. Sex life with DH more than enough. Had plenty of non relationship sex in my late teens early twenties, doesn't appeal anymore

If I could guarantee it would always be amazing sex then yes I’d be tempted.

In reality though I think amazing sex takes a) time to get to know each other’s likes and dislikes and b) really fancying and liking the other person.

The chances of this happening with some random encounters is very small. And if it isn’t random encounters … well that’s an affair rather than an open marriage I’d say. And at that point as a pp said why am I still in the marriage.

Each to their own but I wouldn’t personally. I love that I have one special relationship where we share everything. Like that’s my person and I’m his.

It's a no from me. Only person I want to date is my husband

I don't think my emotions or physical body would fare too well with multiple partners. Even if I had DH permission, I'm not sure it would be wise. I have fairly traditional attitudes towards sex though.

YABU people should work on their marriage instead.

I've yet to see an example of "open marriage" which didn't result in someone getting badly hurt. That includes two sets of then married (but now divorced) "swingers" whose sexual invitations we declined.

We've been together over 4 years and getting married next year. Happier and more in love than ever and have mind blowing sex regularly but sure, we don't really love each other 😆 ok ok

I looove the idea! In my head I actually find cheating and affairs very sexy (like in movies).

In reality there's no way.

I think open relationships seldom work and if you were to have one it'd have to be open from the start.

Swinging is a hobby! It's a great one

@ComtesseDeSpair

Yeah totally. It's my perspective and it isn't applicable to everyone's situation. I know that some people decouple their sexual and romantic lives much more than others.

I do think what @JustLyra says holds a fair bit of truth though.

In every scenario that I've ever known of open relationships or swinging, its always been instigated by one party and grudgingly gone along with by the other, often on the understanding that it will "spice things up" or "keep things exciting" (but with a clear threat of "if we can't do this in a sanctioned way I'll just do it anyway behind your back".) In every single scenario the less enthusiastic partner has become jealous or resentful and the relationship, sooner or later, has ended in recriminations about how the enthusiastic partner basically wanted out. I think in the majority of cases the bottom line is that one person wants out but doesn't quite have the balls to do it.

This may be a very jaded perspective and I'm sure that in scenarios where this agreement is entered into willingly and even-handedly it doesn't have to be like that. I've just encountered very few such scenarios and I'm always sceptical of people's motives for wanting this.